Note Number Three: Mind Mapping Through Music

A work in progress.  ......to be continued.


Sixpence None The Richer - Kiss Me
Staind - Its Been a While
Deftones - Passenger
Audioslave - What You Are
Tool - Sober
Incubus - Drive
Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here
Avril Lavigne - Naked
Evanescence - Hello



SIXPENCE NONE THE RICHER - KISS ME LYRICS 
Writer(s): SLOCUM, MATTHEW PRESTON 


Oh kiss me out of the bearded barley,
Nightly, beside the green, green grass
Swing, swing, swing the spinning step
You'll wear those shoes and I will wear that dress
Oh, kiss me beneath the milky twilight
Lead me out on the moonlit floor
Lift you open hand
Strike up the band, and make the fireflies dance
Silvermoon's sparkling,
So kiss me

Kiss me down by the broken tree house
Swing me , upon its hanging tire
Bring, bring , bring your flowered hat
We'll take the trail marked on your father's map
Oh, kiss me beneath the milky twilight
Lead me out on the moonlit floor
Lift you open hand
Strike up the band, and make the fireflies dance
Silvermoon's sparkling,
So kiss me

Oh, kiss me beneath the milky twilight
Lead me out on the moonlit floor
Lift you open hand
Strike up the band, and make the fireflies dance
Silvermoon's sparkling,
So kiss me

So kiss me
So kiss me


STAIND - IT'S BEEN A WHILE 
Writer(s): LEWIS, AARRON / MUSHOK, MICHAEL / WYSOCKI, JONATHAN / APRIL, JOHN 


It's been awhile
Since I could
Hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I first saw you
And it's been awhile
Since I could stand
On my own two feet again
And it's been awhile
Since I could call you
And all the things I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that are rendered
I stretch myself beyond my means

And it's been awhile
Since I could say
That I wasn't addicted
It's been awhile
Since I could say
I loved myself as well
And it's been awhile
Since I've gone and
Fucked things up
Just like I always do
And it's been awhile
But all that shit
Seems to disappear
When I'm with you

And everything I can remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
Have gone and fucked things up again

Why must I feel this way?
Just make this go away
Just one more peaceful day

It's been awhile
Since I could
Look at myself straight
And it's been awhile
Since I said, "I'm sorry"
And it's been awhile
Since I've seen the way
The candles light your face
And it's been awhile
But I can still remember
Just the way you taste

And everything I can remember
As fucked up
As it all may seem to be
I know it's me
I cannot blame this on my father
He did the best he could for me

It's been awhile
Since I could
Hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I said, "I'm sorry"

DEFTONES - PASSENGER 
Writer(s): MORENO, CHINO CAMILO / CHENG, CHI / CUNNINGHAM, ABE / CARPENTER, STEPHEN / KEENAN, MAYNARD JAMES 


Here I lay
Still and breathless
Just like always
Still, I want some more
Mirrors sideways
Who cares what's behind?
Just like always
Still your passenger

The chrome buttons buckle on leather surfaces
These and other lucky witnesses
Now to calm me
This time won't you please
Drive faster

Roll the windows down
This cool night air is curious
Let the whole world look in
Who cares who sees anything?
I'm your passenger
I'm your passenger

Drop these down
Then put them on me
Nice cool seats
There to cushion your knees
Now to calm me
Take me around again
Just don't pull over
This time would you please
Drive faster

Roll the windows down
This cool night air is curious
Let the whole world look in
Who cares who sees what tonight?
Roll these misty windows down
To catch my breath
And then go and go and go just drive me
Home and back again

Here I lay just like always
Don't let me go
Take me to the edge



AUDIOSLAVE - WHAT YOU ARE 
Writer(s): CORNELL, CHRIS/COMMERFORD, TIMOTHY/MORELLO, TOM/WILK, BRAD 

And when you wanted me
I came to you
And when you wanted someone else
I withdrew
And when you asked for a light
I set myself on fire
And if I go far away I know
You'll find another slave

[Chorus]

cause now I'm free from what you want
Now I'm free from what you need
Now I'm free from what you are

And when you wanted blood
I cut my veins
And when you wanted love
I bled myself again
Now that I've had my fill of you
I'll give you up forever
And here I go far away
I know you'll find another slave

[Chorus]

Then a vision came to me
When you came along
I gave you everything
But then you wanted more

[Chorus]

Now I'm free from what you are

TOOL - SOBER 
Writer(s): KEENAN, MAYNARD JAMES/JONES, ADAM/CAREY, DANIEL 

There's a shadow just behind me,
Shrouding every step I take,
Making every promise empty,
Pointing every finger at me.
Waiting like a stalking butler
Who upon the finger rests.
Murder now the path called "must we"
Just before the son has come.
Jesus, won't your fucking whistle
Something but the past and done? 
Why can't we not be sober?
I just want to start this over.
Why can't we drink forever.
I just want to start things over. 
I am just a worthless liar.
I am just an imbecile.
I will only complicate you.
Trust in me and fall as well.
I will find a center in you.
I will chew it up and leave,
I will work to elevate you
Just enough to bring you down. 
Trust me. 
Mother Mary won't you whisper
Something but what's past and done. 
Trust me. 
I want what I want.


INCUBUS - DRIVE LYRICS Writer(s): BOYD, BRANDON CHARLES/EINZIGER, MICHAEL AARON/KATUNICH, ALEX 
Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clearAnd I can't help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear Take the wheel and steerIt's driven me before

And it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appealBut lately I am beginning to find That I should be the one behind the wheelWhatever tomorrow brings

I'll be there with open arms and open eyesWhatever tomorrow brings

I'll be there with open arms and open eyesSo if I decide to waiver my chance 

To be one of the hiveWill I choose water over wine And hold my own and drive?It's driven me before 

And it seems to be the way that everyone else gets aroundBut lately I am beginning to find That when I drive myself my light is found

So whatever tomorrow brings

I'll be there with open arms and open eyes, yeh

Whatever tomorrow brings

I'll be there with open arms and open eyes

Would you kill the Queen to crush the hive?

Would you choose water over wine
Hold the wheel and drive?


PINK FLOYD - WISH YOU WERE HERE 
Writer(s): WATERS/NELSON/JONES 

So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
Blue sky's from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

And did they get you to trade
Your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
And how we found
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.


AVRIL LAVIGNE - NAKED 
Writer(s): BAGGE, ANDERS/ASTROM, PEER/VERGES, TROY 
I wake up in the morning
Put on my face
The one that's gonna get me
Through another day
Doesn't really matter
How I feel inside'
Cause life is like a game sometimes

But then you came around me
The walls just disappeared
Nothing to surround me
And keep me from my fears
I'm unprotectedSee how I've opened up
Oh, you've made me trust

Because I've never felt like this before
I'm naked
Around you
Does it show?
You see right through me
And I can't hide
I'm naked
Around you
And it feels so right

I'm trying to remember
Why I was afraid
To be myself and let the
Covers fall away
I guess I never had someone like you
To help me, to help me fit
In my skin


I never felt like this before
I'm naked
Around you
Does it show?
You see right through me
And I can't hide
I'm naked
Around you
And it feels so right


I'm naked
Oh oh yeah
Does it show?
Yeah, I'm naked
Oh oh, yeah yeah


I'm so naked around you
And I can't hide
You're gonna see right through, baby


EVANESCENCE - HELLO 
Writer(s): HOON, SHANNON/SMITH, BRAD/STEVENS, THOMAS ROGERS 

Playground school bell rings again
Rain clouds come to play again
Has no one told you she's not breathing?
Hello I'm your mind giving you someone to talk to
Hello
If I smile and don't believe
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream
Don't try to fix me I'm not broken
Hello I'm the lie living for you so you can hide
Don't cry
Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping
Hello I'm still here
All that's left of yesterday

Entry Number 17: Emptiness

I was thinking this morning about how there is just so much emptiness in the lives of people in our everyday life.  Its hard to not be sad when I realized how everyone I know just about seems like they are just missing something in their lives.  I've even felt like that for a long time and have just recently been made aware of it and chose to do something about it.

I not only believe that hapiness is a choice but am living proof of that.  If a shy little Violet can accomplish what I have, late bloomer or not, anyone can.  One day I realized that it was up to me to make a decision of what I wanted out of life and how much longer I wanted to continue living in turmoil.

My answer?  No more.  We are not promised tomorrow.  Wit her her final breath, mom taught me yet another lesson.  So no more would I make excuses for my unhappiness.  No more would I wait for tomorrow to better myself and take hold of my life.  It has been slow, and it has been scary, but when I began to notice all the good that was coming my way by simply changing my attitude, how could I do anything but sieze the day?

I have never looked back.  I do not regret my past, for it has made me the person I am today, but even moreso, it motivates me to chase after what makes me happy.  I read that life is not about finding yourself, it is about creating yourself :)

One of my many goals, but possibly one of the most important, is to live a life I can be proud of.  And even though I'm not completely sure what all that means yet, I feel good.  Sometimes I do still feel lost, but I feel like I am going in the right direction.

I am learning to be my own rock, but sometimes it just feels so comforting to have someone to lean on.  Hugs go a long way.  Words can not do justice to describe what a hug can do.  I am thankful for the people I have in my life.  For the ones who have seen me at my worst, and loved me when I needed it the most.  For not letting me give up, and reminding me that I am not alone.  I will probably never be able to express my gratitude for what they may not even know they've done for me.  To be truthful, I don't know if I could ever articulate the good they have brought to my life if I spent the rest of my life trying to. 

My hope is to be there for others the way they have been for me.  The emptiness may never completely vacate my soul, but I will never stop chasing my happiness, and neither should they.

Mood:  Blessed
Listening to:  Audioslave - Live

Entry Number 16: Coming Out

The first few weeks of the new year have flown by without giving me the chance to process or over analyze even a fraction of what has happened.  And so I have been able to only focus on the most persistent aspects.  How I feel.  And I feel happy.  Completely elated.  And even though the weeks and days and hours continue to zip past me at a dizzying rate, I am overcome with joy, and peace, utter liberation from my self inflicted bondage.  I feel as though nothing can hold me back now.  Like there is no end to the possibilities that lie ahead of me.  I've known for a long time that I am the only one standing in the way of my happiness, but now I know how true that really is.

Two weeks ago today, I decided to come out to my dad.  I knew it was time because I had almost blurted it out to him on several occasions.  Not to mention, all of my siblings except for my youngest brother knew, and I didn't want him to find out from anyone else.

My stomach was in knots as I drove to his apartment.  To prevent my panic from rising further, I switched on the radio.  As I began to steel my nerves and clear my mind of doubt, She texted me.  "Take a deep breath!" she said.  "You're working your own self up."  How right she was.  Her words of encouragement refocused my thoughts.  She reminded me that after tonight, I would never have to lie to him again.  In that moment, I was overcome with peace because I knew she was speaking the truth.

And as scared as I was, I knew I was doing the right thing.  Somehow, by telling him, I knew that it would blast the door off of my closet once and for all, solidifying my decision to come out.  And I realized that I was anxious not because of his response, but because telling him would mean no going back.  No more hiding.  It would leave no more excuses to keep me from chasing my happiness.  And I realized that I had no reason to be afraid because I was already doing what I never thought I could.

At that point, I stopped replaying how I would tell him.  What I would say.  What his reaction would be.  How I would hide my pain if he took it badly.  And I lost myself to the road; to the radio.  To the peace that I had been grasping for.  And as I parked and began the short walk to his door, I was calm, and happy, and knew that I was going to be okay.

We ate a modest supper of leftover which was more than enough to satisfy us both.  That's always been something I've loved about my dad.  It's not about what we do, or what eat.  Its about spending time with each other.  Loving and taking care of each other.  And no matter where he lives, or what he has going on, or even how often I see him, he feels like home.  Just the sight of him puts me at ease.  The mere sound of his voice reminds me that I'm still his little girl no matter how grown up I think I am.

I wanted to tell him the minute I walked in the door, but didn't want to ruin his appetite if things went south.  After dinner my sister called, shaking my nerves again.  So I waited until after we watched a movie but could hardly keep it in a minute longer.  As soon as it ended, I took a deep breath and told him.

I said, "Daddy, we don't have to talk about it, but there is something I have to tell you.  I love you, and I'm gay."  As soon as the words left my lips, my pounding hard began to once again fill with peace.  He responded with disbelief as I expected.  After the initial shock wore off, he began quoting scripture as I also expected.  I listened patiently as I could tell he was trying to understand what I had told him and formulate an opinion.  As he gathered his thoughts, he closed by saying he wasn't going to say he was concerned for my soul, but that this was something I had to reconcile with God.  I told him honestly that I was still coming to terms with that.  And to be completely frank, I don't know that I ever will be able to, but its something I hope I will be able to make peace with one day.

He finished by telling me that he loves me.  Deep down I've always known that he just wants me to be happy.  As much as I miss my mom, I am so grateful to still have my dad.  I love him so much and am so lucky to have him in my corner.  We are alike in so many ways that keeping this from him felt like the worst kind of lie to tell.  Like my dad, I can't go to bed angry or if I've been dishonest, or if I've hurt someone.  When we were little, our parents always told us that we shouldn't let the sun go down without setting a wrong right.  When I left to go home, my heart was full of joy.  I think I even skipped to the car without even trying to conceal my goofy grin because I knew that everything was going to be okay.  That I was going to be okay.  That the hardest part of coming out was over before I'd enough time to even think about it.

I know life will not always be easy.  There will always be people who don't accept me as I am, and my road ahead will more likely than not hold my share of heartache, rejection, and opportunities to pick myself up when I fall down as we all do, but I truly feel like I am going to be okay.  And I don't say that lightly in the least as that is not something I have felt in a long time.  I've always been afraid of the unknown.  Of all the scary parts of life that I've felt so unprepared for.  And I know I still have a lot of growing to do, but I'm finally starting to feel like that's okay.  Like I can slow down and enjoy all the good that I have in my life now instead of racing towards some unobtainable happy life that I can't even picture.  I may not have all the answers, but I'm beginning to be okay with that and learning to take one thing at a time.

I've grown so much in just the last six months I can hardly believe it.  And I dare say, identity crisis averted :)  My hope is to continue to grow and conquer my fears, and I know I am headed in the right direction.



Five Levels of Truth

1. I am not straight.
2. We need a break.
3. My Mentor.
4. Tell Him.
5. Tell Family.

Entry Number 15: Hope

The last few days have been nothing short of liberating.  I'm not sure where to begin other than to say I met someone incredible.  Someone beautiful, brilliant.  She is confident, and knows exactly who she is.  This girl is definitely not me, and I cannot keep her.

She has shown me a side of myself that I never thought I would be brave enough to ever see.  She is captivating and elicits from me what no one else ever could.  For the first time in my life, I feel like I might be okay after all.  She has filled me with a joy that I didn't think I could feel again; awaken in me a piece of of myself that I thought was forever lost.  I feel hope in place of the fear and shame that has crippled me for so long.

I have never met anyone like her.  In some ways, we are so alike I feel like she can see right through me.  My eyes have become windows to my soul when she holds my gaze, and I become an open book to things that only she has been able to understand.  It makes me happy and sad all at the same time to know that I am no longer alone in this.  I feel like for the first time, its okay that words are not enough.  The connection I feel transcends anything I could ever verbalize and I don't want to miss a single moment of if.

My new daily struggle is to avoid becoming attached.  I love people for who they are, and where they are in life's journey, and I have never felt as strongly as I do that our paths crossed at a pivotal point in my walk.  An though I know she will never be mine, I am grateful for every passing moment I am able to call her my friend.

She may never know the good she has done for me; never know the hope she has restored to a broken being, but she has touched my life in a way that I will never be able to repay.

***********

My emotions have been in full swing this week.  Exiting the throws of passion and racing towards the anniversary of my mothers death, I am again reminded that I am still not whole.  I am still a colossal mess despite all the growing I have done this year.

And I know that until I truly lay her to rest, I will continue to struggle with the demons of my past.  I feel old in my burdens and the weight of my borrowed beliefs continue to slow me down as I chase after my happiness. 

Like God, I can see my happiness just out of reach, and I am the only one standing in my way.  I am hampered by my insecurities and as much as I don't want to admit it.  I am in bondage to my own weaknesses, and instead of laying them down, I am too proud to ask for help.  I am no longer ashamed of my attractions, but I am unable to let go of the fear guilt that grips my soul.  

For the first time in my life, I told another individual (OUT LOUD), that I am gay.  It felt like a great weight lifting from my heart and evaporating into thin air.  This is huge for me, and yet I still have a long way to go.

No longer in a desolate place, I still wander.  Not quite as lost and confused as I have been, but still searching for that glimmer of light to follow.

Entry Number 14: A Golden Opportunity

Words do not come easy today, and yet I find myself wanting to write.  Needing to let go of the emotion bottled inside.  My stomach has been in knots for two days now, my breath coming in short, quick pulls.  The rising panic is once again rising in me, and I'm doing all that I can to keep it from tearing me apart.  Today is eleven days sober, and six days ago, I told Him it was over.

My plan was to get sober, and tell him by the end of the summer, but an opportunity presented itself, and I knew I had act.  Telling Him was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done, but to continue living a lie has been slowing eating me alive.  He left Friday night, only to come home, where he belongs, on Saturday.  Three nights on the couch was all I could bear before welcoming him back to our bed.  It proved to be what I already knew.  A step in the wrong direction.  Yet another selfish act to hold on to the safety I feel when he is near.  

Two more sweat nights of sleep before it was all over, and I fear, gone for good.  I awoke to find I was sleeping alone.  Feeling cold, and empty all over again.  He told me He was leaving, and was sorry I had been feeling smothered.  The violation of my trust was written on His face and spoken from His lips as he confessed to reading my text messages, and telling my secret.

I am always so vulnerable when I first wake up, and couldn't withhold the tears.  I knew He was right.  That it was time for him to leave.  Finally, I would have the space I have so craved.  But I'm not happy.  I feel empty, and broken.  The knowledge of his absence intensified the growing knot in my stomach; stole my appetite, my joy, and my will to face the day.

At yet, somehow, I was able to steal my nerves; stop the tears; leave my emotions at the door to start another day of work.  Smooth the pain from my face, and put on a smile to get me through another day.  Only KP had any sense of what I was truly feeling.  Something in my eyes, or the unsteady timber of my voice.  But I didn't want even her to see my weakness, and so I pushed it down; kept it bottled inside.

Today I have not cried.  Despite the lump in my throat, and the often tears brimming in my eyes, I have been able to hold it back thus far.  My solace comes in knowing an end is in sight.  Sleep is only a few precious moments away.  

Things always seem brighter in the morning.  Like everything is new, and fresh, and beautiful.  A new chance to conquer my fears; a new beginning to forget past mistakes and start again.

Tomorrow I will go speak with my brother.  He now knows my secret, and I am eager to confide in him the way I have always wanted to.  I am eternally grateful for a second chance with him.  I will no longer mourn the days that have been lost under the lies of the past.  

So here's to a new chapter in my life.  Learning to live alone, and truly focus on me for a change.  And even though I am terrified of the road that lies ahead, I can smile knowing that I have people in my life that know of my shame, and are helping me to find my way.

Entry Number 13: Acts of Desperation

Today I realized something new.  I think I may be using my relationships, current or past, as an excuse to not face a different demon.  If I'm single, I have no excuse to face what I am feeling, and find out the truth once and for all.  It's become a crutch.  A blocking block keeping my goal out of reach.

How long will I continue to run and live in fear of what could be?  No matter how much I think I've grown, I'm still that scared little girl trying to find out who she is.  Afraid of what others might say, afraid to find out what will happen if I'm wrong.

It's always been clear to me that I've been attracted to the individual, not a particular sex.  But I find myself again and again making the easier choice.  Settling for contentment rather than just putting myself out there.

The last couple of weeks have proven to me that I am in a pivotal time in my relationship with Him.  I've made some decisions I'm not proud of, and see them as desperate acts to escape the prison I've built around me.  Another avoidance tactic to skirt the real issue at hand.  I'm truly ashamed of my behavior, and now worry I've about a door that's been opened that I can never shut.  A friendship forever altered by clouded judgement and selfishness.

I feel like I'm just sitting back waiting for things to come crumbling down around me.  It's only a matter of time before I ruin everything if I continue on this self destructive path.  I can't take my own advise, much less the advise of someone who's already gone through what I'm feeling.  I'm so hard headed I'm not sure how anyone can stand to be around me most days.

Sobriety is still a daily struggle.  As much as I think I want it, I've yet to employ any real will power.  The truth is it lets me hide from my true feelings.  I must not be doing a very good job at hiding it though, because KP has noticed something is up.  It's easy enough to make excuses to her, but my stress has more than spilled over in other facets.  Despite a bipolar conscience I have managed to contain my current situation without completly going crazy.

It's just a matter of time before I lose it, though.  I feel it creeping up on me like the calm before a storm.  My emotional pendulum has been on overdrive and quite frankly I'm surprised I have lasted this long without a breakdown.  The extremes are coming closer together, and the chance of recovery at each end is quickly diminishing.  It's a racing heart beat and an increased feeling of fight or flight.  Panic welling up in my chest and threatening to escape my lips in a choked scream.  It's desperation on the edge of the mask I've created to protect what I can never say.

The lack of a breakdown has to be due to my friend binge, but that's going to cost me in a whole new way.  My mind has been everywhere except where it should be, and I'm not prepared for the consequences of my actions.  For not wanting to hurt anyone, my selfishness has probably done unrepairable damage to two of my most cherished relationships.

The weight of my impending despair looms on the edge of the storm; threatening to wash me under a wave of emotion.  The haze provided by my drug of choice is only a thin sheet of protection against what I know will soon become utter sorrow for all those sucked into the growing mess that is my life.

Entry Number 12: A Friend Binge

I'm not sure where to start.  I haven't been sober much lately, but hadn't really noticed until My Friend pointed it out.  He said he thought I was staying sober, but the truth is, there are less sober days than not.  I didn't have a good answer for him at the time, which got me thinking about why it's so hard to quit.  Here is my response to him.

"I feel like I'm in uncharted territory.  I've been kind of lost for a while now, and still very much working through some things.  Being sober forces me to face my demons head on.  It's exhausting and whether I knew it or not, I now know I've been looking for a way out.  I've always been better at avoiding problems than dealing with them.  I feel weak, and damaged, and hopeless when I'm clean.  Turned back into my inner pessimist instead of the optimist I play when I'm inebriated."

"Because I'm weak, I look for an easy way out.  I crave the attention of others, am fiercely loyal to those I love, but I'm terrified of commitment and run from confrontation.  I told Him a long time ago that I'm a mess.  I guess not much has changed."

"There are a few people in my life that force me to take an honest look at things and see more clearly.  I'm grateful to have people with my best interest at heart just a phone call away.  Thanks for being one of them, Friend."

"I don't like to talk about my feelings, but I always feel better to get it out.  My clarity usually comes in waves, and I do more writing sober.  The down side is that thinking on it depresses me."

I thought I was doing so well for a bit.  I'm not sure what happened.

A few weeks ago, He asked me to go off the pill so we could start a family.  The more of a commitment he wants, the more I want to run.  I finally told him that this week.  We've both agreed to put our best foot forward and fight for what we want.  I'm just afraid that I'm falling back into more detrimental old habits.  Habits that are potentially more dangerous than my lack of sobriety.  I think that is why I will never marry.  The final act of committing to settle.  I can't.

How did I find myself here?  Focus on the solution, not the problem.  I wish I was a bird, and could soar above all my sadness.  Fly above the fog and I chain myself to.

I feel ashamed of the way I am behaving, and yet feel powerless to change it.  I see no happiness if I break free of current situation and strike out on my own.  Or am I only afraid of what I will find?

That leap of faith has been calling my name for so long.

My Friend, said I'd given him a good hug, and I told him it was because I closed my eyes.  That it was like the trust exercise, and if you do it right, you can lose yourself in it.  Thats exactly what I need, and what I need to do.

Note Number Two: No Wind in Space

It seems so long ago that I rose above the clouds, filled my lungs with a breath of fresh air.  Left vulnerable, and and touched by raw emotion.  It was so clear, and I felt truly alive.  I've put myself in shackles before, and here I've found myself again.  Differently, yes, but the same.  

I will continue to make the same mistakes until I learn from them. It's like a cool breeze on an autumn day, being washed over.  I just don't feel that spark in life that I know is supposed to be there with out being self destructive.

I'm ashamed of myself for falling back into old habits, but I don't feel so hopeless this way.  I need to just suck it up and stop being selfish.  Or start being selfish...  I'm still dancing around this one.  

....I just. can't. focus...  Not like this.  Self sabotage.  Always..

Note Number One: Moment of Clarity

I noticed today that I am slipping back into old habits.  My clarity, fading to the background.  I felt today like I stay with him because he is safe.  He is home for me.  I'm addicted to security.  Starting to feel trapped again.

Entry Number 11: Deja Vu

I worry that if I truly examine my relationship with Him, I will see all the things wrong with it, and begin to doubt. I've always had doubts.  It's like deja vu all over again.  This is definitely a case of it's not you, it's me.  Not to say He's perfect, because no one is.  Just that He's a good person.  He deserves better than this.


I feel selfish for trying to keep him with me.  It's not fair to either of us if my heart isn't it anymore.  I'm afraid to be alone.  I was reading a previous entry, and thought I should update a list.


Five Levels of Truth

1. I am not straight.
2. We need a break.
3. My Mentor.
4. Tell Him.
5. Tell Family.

It was a good reminder that I've already acknowledged that we need a break.  I shouldn't be surprised I'm having doubts at this point.  I just don't what this to end.  I don't want to step out into the unknown by myself.  I've done a great job of alienating myself, and not keeping close friends.  I don't know what's with the distance.  Never really thought about it either...

Why am I so scared all the time? !?  GGGggrrrrrrRRR!  I want to be brave and stop making excuses for myself.  I have the worst follow through ever...

mood:  defeated; trapped.

Entry Number 10: My Indifference

I feel like there is no medium.  Either I'm stricken the gut wrenching, raw emotion, or it's lurking just below the surface.  Just far enough out of reach that I can almost forget.  When it's in the forefront of my mind, there's no ignoring it.  But the latter only reinforces the denial.  I want so badly to be clear about what I feel.  

So I told Him.  I just knew I was going to blurt it out, so when we finally had a minute alone, I just told.  Short, sweet, to the point, and honest.  I can't picture my life without him, but I'm confused, and don't know what I want.  That I don't want to feel this way, but that I need to find myself.  I have to start living for me.

And like a cloud on a windy day, the weight of my burden was lifted, and began floating away.  So here I find myself in my current state.  Indifferent.  Knowing I can't just let it slip away, forgotten to long ago, and far away. 

I want to enjoy the peace.  Continue finding myself.  I've been playing the piano, gardening, fall cleaning.  But I've done my best to take my Professor's advise, and to slow down.  Whether it is a cool drink of water, pretending it's my first drink, or while putting away the dishes that I count myself grateful to have my own dishes to keep.  And thinking about my dog all day long while wishing I could come home.

Something had got to give.  I still feel lost in all of this.  Happier, but still confused.

 

Entry Number 9: An Ahhah Moment

My arms are shaking, like shivering in the cold, but it's 72 in the house.  The more I try to warm myself, the colder I feel, until I climb up under a blanket.  Slowly, I start to beat my bout of shaking.  Ive never known if it was from being two messed up, or a panic attack.  It was after I met Grace that I knew what I was really running from, the damnation to hell.  That was my connection, and why she felt safe.  My best friend was too precious to lose, she felt like home.  And I loved her.  Not like that, she was my friend.  I would have been so embarrassed to tell her.

I just feel doomed to be alone.  Today I had an ahhah moment when trying to rationalize both sides of my heart.  It felt like my head would explode.

And then, I remembered to find my center, I thought about all the beautiful things around me, and noticed strangely I was surprisingly, in the most relaxing place in the house.  My bathroom.  My mother always said never to bother her while she was in the bathroom.  She wanted a minute of peace, she said.

So I found my peace.  The safe, quiet, peaceful, feel of the bathroom.  And if that is bad enough, to this day, I have to find my center to use public bathrooms, and imagine I'm home.  But to do that, I find the quiet within. 

Days like today, and now, I could let  it all fall away.  Me and my dog, against the world.  My subcutaneous wants this out so bad, I feel like I'm out to sabotage myself.  I really just want to be a good person, without living a lie.  I feel like my shoulders are bent with the weight of my burden.  From all of it.

It brings back the feeling of coldness.  Seeping into my hands, crawling up through my arms.  Numbing me from the inside out.  Alas, it is Sunday, and back to sobriety.  But today, I can let it all slip away, one last time.  To stand sit tall =:) I feel good.  Better than good.  On top of my bed!!  Hehehe.  

I just want to do me now.  I feel like Ive regressed because this is the same way I felt four years ago....  Unhappy, doing things I don't want to do, burnt out, ready to crash, wanting to just leave it all behind and run away.

And there it is again!  Just run away.  Why do I always feel like I'm running?  I have to find my inner peace.  It starts with me, and I am struggling with me.  It sounds so put together in my head, I just don't know if I can let it out.  Once I tell Him, there is no going back, either way.  Even if He stays, it will never be the same.

Here I go worrying about someone else again.  Find my center.  I am afraid to open up my mind, to still my mind, because of what She has told me.  I am on the forefront of a battle, facing down my own demons.  I feel unprepared, Terrified of the outcome.  I have to come to grips with this.  I still wish this was just all a bad dream.  That I would wake up with my faith restored in my borrowed beliefs.  That God loves me, and that I wasn't afraid all the time.

Right now I just feel like a whiny bitch.  Life isn't supposed to be easy, I can't blame others because I'm not prepared.  I have to figure it out on my own.  I should be good at it by now, right?  I always thought of myself as a late bloomer; I guess I never realized how true that was.  

Without the raw emotion of it, I at least have a hopes of it slipping back away.  But as the same with my Mother, ignoring the fact that shes gone does not make it untrue.  Man I just need to live a little!!  Why does this seem so hard.

So back to my subconscious wanting this out.  I asked my sister for a bar review for a lesbian bar, then went out with my old Roommate and her girlfriend.  That was a huge leap of faith on my part.  I had a really good time.  The next day, I nursed my hang over and went to a novelty party to splurge.  Followed by tonight when I got blitzed and was forced to reunite with what I'm trying to suppress.  Gahh the implications of it all.....  

Things have been set in motion like a ripple in a pond.  One way or another, I'm going to be forced to face this.  The conflict is almost to much to bear.  It's all built up, ready to spill over, but I won't let it go!

And I have to go back to the bathroom.  Find my inner peace, see the beauty that is in my life.  My family, and Dog, my house.  My education. My genuine love for others.  Maybe my best quality, other than my eyes **kidding of course** and it is my greatest weakness.  

I have let others walk all over me, leave me at rock bottom, and laying in the dirt.  I thought I had learned my lesson.  That it was time to live for myself, not what others want for me.  To break the bondage I willingly accepted.  And here I am again; a little older, but still causing my own pain.  I am the only one in my way.  I just haven't accepted that yet.  

Why am I so afraid?  I need to focus not on the problem, but the solution.  Over coming my fear.  Yes old friend, we meet again.  From driving to roller coasters, employment to college.  Facing my fears and finding discerning my character when my back is against the wall.  I'm tired of being a doormat, and want to stand up for myself and what's good for me.  I haven't accepted the right way yet.  The way of truth.  I want to like the person I see in the mirror.  But I don't.  I don't even know who she is.  

In hopes to find out, I am turning to creativity.  I've ordered some new sheet music and will continue to cope through music.  Wish me luck.

Entry Number 8: Cleaning Out My Closet

I've been cleaning out my closet this past week.  Literally and figuratively.  It's liberating, like shedding skin.  I'm coping, and thus starting to heal.  My Mentor was right.  The first step is acceptance, then the healing begins.  I'm ready to heal, but still afraid to accept.  But I've committed to jumping in with both feet.  My mind has been busy after a short lived peace.  The calm before the storm.  Like the sunspots, growing and growing.  Becoming more frequent every year.  One day, eventually, we're going to get zapped.


This last month has brought music back to my life.  I can see my life through music.  How I've changed, and grown as a person.  Through the different genres, I find myself once again sinking into an unhappy place, but I've been ignoring the signs.  It shouldn't be a surprise to me.  The Itch, the restlessness.  My ever need for change.  All my life I've been forced, or forced myself to face the things I'm afraid of.  Because only when my fears are conquered, can I feel in control.  But control is a fantasy, like perfection.  The unobtainable.


How can I have it all put together in my head, but the minute I try to articulate, the words evaporate into the air like smoke?!?  Quite frankly it's infuriating!!


I almost almost just blurted it out to Him last night.  I was so tired of holding it in, and was dreading another night of trying to avoid his advances.  Hurting him is the last thing I want to do, but I have to pick a side.  It's time to look out for myself.  I was once told that a person's best quality can very likely be their down fall.  Mom always said that the reason the wrong guys like me was because I genuinely cared about them.  I never thought of myself as one to have empathy, especially after working for the company for so long, but it's true.  I'm good a delivering bad news, and giving advise, except when it comes to me.  


I'm trying to be more open minded after growing up believing only what I was told.  I'm ready to think for myself, find my own happiness.  I think everyone deserves a chance to be happy, and the only one standing in my way is me.


I want to figure out who I am.  Not my ideal self, my actual self.  Start with truth.  I think part of my problem is shutting out all the distractions.  The outside and internal chatter.  Sleep stops the mind.  Sometimes.  So does writing, but so does my addiction.  It enables me.  Puts me back in the shackles I gladly accepted.  Burdens I want to be free off.  All things come to light, and I want to live in the light.  


We once promised to always be honest.  I told him I was a mess, and had no desire to be in another relationship.  He knew I just wanted to have some fun.  That was all it was supposed to be.  And then, something happened.  I fell for the guy.  My genuine"ness" again.  I believe my mom because so many people are lost, broken, and just want to be loved.  I believe happiness is a choice, and I will choose to focus on myself.


An Angel told me to take up a new class, learn something new.  Be crafty.  I'm the least creative person ever  ntn =:).  


I have only myself to blame for the pit of despair I have return to.  And only I can dig myself out.


Start with truth.

"The Five Levels of Truth-Telling: First, you tell the truth to yourself about yourself. Then you tell the truth to yourself about another. At the third level, you tell the truth about yourself to another. Then you tell your truth about another to that other. And finally, you tell the truth to everyone about everything." Neale Donald Walsch Conversations with God (Book 2)

Five Levels of Truth

1. I am not straight.
2. We need a break.
3. My Mentor.
4. Tell Him.
5. Tell Family.

Why Am I Afraid to Tell Him?

• I love him.
• I don't want to be alone.  He makes home, home.
• What if I'm wrong?
• It will make this real.  No more hiding.

Sometimes it still makes me feel like I need to take a shower.  Wash the filth from my mind.  Cleanse the soul.  Why am I still so torn?  I've made the decision to go down this path, see where it leads.  So why am I still holding back?  What am I waiting for?  Why do I have cold feet.  I hate my comfort zone fears.  Why can I let it go and move on with my life?  Why am I still standing in my own way?

I have again succumbed to the pull of my addiction.  Basking in the wave of surrender.  Letting go of the emotion.  Honing in on what's ailing my mind.  No longer ignoring for fear of the pain.  Funny how the things I am so afraid of, are what I run into the arms of.  Why can't I take my own advise?  What I am so afraid of?  If happiness is a choice, why do I continue to live in the cold shadow of my own self loathing?  I want to embrace the woman that I am.  I want to be bold, and proud of my independence and successes, but instead I deny my true self for the happiness of others.

Why is this so hard?  My feelings are so ADD sometimes, and I always seem to lose sight of my goal.

I guess I will continue to make the same mistake until I learn from it.  I have to tell him.  I have to start living for me.  

Psalm 121:1-2

 ¹I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.

 ²My help cometh from the LORD, which made heaven and earth.

I guess my fear too is that my help won't come from the LORD.  That he will turn his back on me.  It's so hard to shake borrowed beliefs.  The "what if" just scares me so much.  I remember being a little kid in church, and thinking about what eternity means.  I always thought it was too overwhelming, and that I would rather die and there be nothing.  No heaven, no hell.  A truly endless sleep.  That wouldn't be nearly as bad.  Too bad we can't make up our own rules to the game.  I guess I've always been a serious person.  It's a much more stressful way to live life, I'll tell you that.  I have learned to laugh at myself more in the last couple of years though, so I guess I am growing.

Gosh, music is such a big part for me.  I would never be able to write this way without it.  Not that this is great writing or anything, just that I wouldn't be able to get the words from my head to the paper.  All the outside noise really clutters my mind.  The racing thoughts, the worries and concerns about anything and everything.  No wonder I cherish sleep.  Too bad I'm not getting much these days.  I had also been battling an extreme bout of "loss of interest," but that could always be attributed to the intoxication.  

It's been so long since I've been clearheaded intentionally.  I think it scares Him, and that he knows He is losing me.  He has to know.  I just can't bare the thought of hurting him, but I am coming to realize that is a selfish reason.  My heart would ache, but not just for him.  I am being selfish trying to keep Him to myself.  He will never accept who I am when I tell him.  I honestly don't know why he hasn't already left me.  It's probably because he doesn't see his own potential.  He's a really great guy, and becoming a wonderful man.  I'm so proud of him for growing so much these past few years.  

Evanescence:  Open Door - Forgive Me
Lacuna Coil:  Falling Again

Entry Number 7: Mind Mapping

Funny how old habits die hard.  I'm not sure how I connect the two, but it's like driving.  In my sports car, I was sailing through traffic.  But in the SUV, I'm barreling down the road!  Writing's the same way.  My thoughts flow like a babbling brook.  And even though I do ramble, I can usually follow my trail back.

I noticed this week how days like these are more confusing than anything else.  How can I go from thinking non stop about my sexuality, to thinking nothing about it?  Like I never did?  It's so easy to just believe it was never there, but I know it will come back, and sooner than later.  On days I'm miserable, and at my lowest, I know in the core of my being, I'm not straight.  Days like today I feel nether either way.  Just, no desire at all, but content.  It can be bliss, but then I know I still have to face it.  Why won't I just face it already :\ so frustrating!!!  I feel like this shouldn't be a defining factor.... like race.  Color doesn't matter.  I was always taught to love the character of a person, and to take the good with the bad because God loves everyone.

It's hard to be objective without it.  It's like the pain reminds me it's there.  Even when I have good days, it's always there.  And then lately on more of a rare occasion, it completely leaves my mind.

The last two nights, I've had nightmares.  This is the whole reason I prefer not to dream.  And then I dream something different that awakens in me again a bout of confusion.  Maybe the nightmares are a good sign, and will be what I once again need to quiet my mind.  Turn off the chatter and stop the traffic again.  If if would again go dormant.

But I know in my heart that I have to face this.  I can't lie to myself if I want to live a life I can be proud of.

An Angel once shared a mind map that really got me thinking.  Yeah, that Angel.   ......So the goal is to search my soul, map my mind, and do whats best for me.  I'm working to mend a bad ending, and clear the air.  Maybe this weekend?  I'm finally living without regrets, if not slowly.  Why is it always the best friends?

..side note.  Could this be why I always made friends with the boys?  Always.  Was it to keep myself away from them because I felt something wrong?  Never thought about it that way before..  If only I won't live with what ifs.  I have to let that person go.

I have nothing to lose.  Here goes nothing.

Entry Number 6: These are a Few of My Favorite Things

Who am I and what do I want?  These are a few of my favorite things, in no particular order.  Each make me happy in a different way, but all can put a smile on my face.

1. writing
2. music
3. gardening
4. walking
5. stars
6. photography
7. coloring
8. reading
9. pets
10. family
11. sleep
12. food
13. nature
14. memories
15. clovers
16. skating
17. rain
18. shells

Entry Number 5: A Heart to Heart

I went to see my Mentor last night.  My face was burning hot before I even got out of the car.  Not because I was embarrassed, but because of what I knew I had to do.  This would be my first truly honest (not to mention spoken aloud) conversation I would have.  No more hiding, denying, or avoiding.  Somehow, I wasn't afraid.

She reminded me that my Mom would always want me to be happy, even if she didn't agree with my choices, just as my Dad does.  I believe whole heartily that if I do choose to embrace this side of my life, that my family would still welcome me home with open arms, and love me as they do now.  That is what is important, what matters to me most of all, and what scares me to tell Him..  My family doesn't have a choice will always what  take me back.  Hecan walk away and never come back.  He is who I am afraid to hurt lose.

My mentor learned from Oprah that you will continue to make the same mistake over and over until you learn from your mistakes.  I don't want to keep battling to reject my desires only for them to return over and over.  Whether I act on these feelings or not, there is a chance my relationship with Him is over.  But if I face my demons, there is a chance I can keep him.  I don't want to live with the "what ifs."


She asked me who I spoke with that gave me a good day.  I told her it was Grace.  She wasn't surprised, but I knew she wouldn't be.  I had told Grace I have been fighting with the morality of it.  She explained how things are always lost in translation, and that is no different in the Bible.  I was a bit taken aback at how quickly she could justify pacify her conscience, we had both grown up in church.  I said I was surprised how she had really made her peace.  She said, you have to :).  At that moment, the light came one.

I was always taught to love the sinner, not the sin, and that Jesus taught to love everyone.  That God loves everyone.  Mentor said, God makes people gay, he doesn't hate them.  She said God will never leave me.  I want so much to believe that.  I don't even read my Bible anymore because I'm reminded of all the things I'm not.  I never truly thought of myself as a perfectionist, but I hate to be told I'm wrong.  It runs in both sides of the gene pool....

I hope He is will still love me, and be able to look past his own insecurities to stay by my side.  It's not fair to ask, and he deserves better, but I have to stop trying to take care of everyone else, and take care of me for a while.   I'm terrified, but I want to live for me now.  I've always hated keeping secrets that shouldn't be kept.  We went into this promising to always be honest with each other.  Where did we go wrong?  Where did I go wrong?

What's done is done.  I really only have two choices.  Face this and stop living with regrets, or never truly be happy.  I choose to be happy.  Life is always easier said than done.  Now I have to choose when and how to tell Him.

I left her house, face as red and hot as when I first walked through the door.  But instead of anxious and tense, I felt light as a feather, and never so clear in my life!  All the chatter from the constant worry from everything under the sun, I was at complete and utter peace!  My mood matched the weather.  I felt like I was from Pilgrim's Progress, and had left my burden at the Lord's feet.  She was either led by the hand of God, or my own personal savior tonight.  Either way, I have never been so grateful to have her in my life.

Mentor became my blanket of safety, like I hoped she would.  Like Mom, and Him, She made my world stop spinning, and everything else stop with it.  I continued to take her advise to soul search, and do what's best for me.  The only person standing in the way of my own happiness is ME.


I took some time for me today to clean out my closet.  Literally.  I'm always afraid of change, but afterwards I remember how good it feels.  Explains why I feel trapped so often, and need to shed my skin.  I don't know how long it is going to take, but I am determined now more than ever to confess my true feelings to Him.  Mentor said, I might tell him tonight, next week, in a few months, but I would know when the time is right.  She's right.  He knows somethings coming.  Knows me well enough to know a storm is brewing.  I just hope he knows me well enough to see why I am choosing to be selfish, in this.  I love him so much.

I told him today that I appreciate his patience with me for a while now, and that I hope he can keep up the effort.  I reminded him of my warning, and welcome to the mess.  But that was four years ago, he said.  But I've never faced it, and I've got a lot of emotional things surfacing at once now.  I don't think he is ready for this, and I hope to be wrong, but I doubt he will be able to empathize with what I'm going through.

So the heart to heart went well, but I'm a long ways from the end of this, if there is an end.  Wish me luck.  I'm jumping in with both feet now.