Entry Number 7: Mind Mapping

Funny how old habits die hard.  I'm not sure how I connect the two, but it's like driving.  In my sports car, I was sailing through traffic.  But in the SUV, I'm barreling down the road!  Writing's the same way.  My thoughts flow like a babbling brook.  And even though I do ramble, I can usually follow my trail back.

I noticed this week how days like these are more confusing than anything else.  How can I go from thinking non stop about my sexuality, to thinking nothing about it?  Like I never did?  It's so easy to just believe it was never there, but I know it will come back, and sooner than later.  On days I'm miserable, and at my lowest, I know in the core of my being, I'm not straight.  Days like today I feel nether either way.  Just, no desire at all, but content.  It can be bliss, but then I know I still have to face it.  Why won't I just face it already :\ so frustrating!!!  I feel like this shouldn't be a defining factor.... like race.  Color doesn't matter.  I was always taught to love the character of a person, and to take the good with the bad because God loves everyone.

It's hard to be objective without it.  It's like the pain reminds me it's there.  Even when I have good days, it's always there.  And then lately on more of a rare occasion, it completely leaves my mind.

The last two nights, I've had nightmares.  This is the whole reason I prefer not to dream.  And then I dream something different that awakens in me again a bout of confusion.  Maybe the nightmares are a good sign, and will be what I once again need to quiet my mind.  Turn off the chatter and stop the traffic again.  If if would again go dormant.

But I know in my heart that I have to face this.  I can't lie to myself if I want to live a life I can be proud of.

An Angel once shared a mind map that really got me thinking.  Yeah, that Angel.   ......So the goal is to search my soul, map my mind, and do whats best for me.  I'm working to mend a bad ending, and clear the air.  Maybe this weekend?  I'm finally living without regrets, if not slowly.  Why is it always the best friends?

..side note.  Could this be why I always made friends with the boys?  Always.  Was it to keep myself away from them because I felt something wrong?  Never thought about it that way before..  If only I won't live with what ifs.  I have to let that person go.

I have nothing to lose.  Here goes nothing.