Entry Number 10: My Indifference

I feel like there is no medium.  Either I'm stricken the gut wrenching, raw emotion, or it's lurking just below the surface.  Just far enough out of reach that I can almost forget.  When it's in the forefront of my mind, there's no ignoring it.  But the latter only reinforces the denial.  I want so badly to be clear about what I feel.  

So I told Him.  I just knew I was going to blurt it out, so when we finally had a minute alone, I just told.  Short, sweet, to the point, and honest.  I can't picture my life without him, but I'm confused, and don't know what I want.  That I don't want to feel this way, but that I need to find myself.  I have to start living for me.

And like a cloud on a windy day, the weight of my burden was lifted, and began floating away.  So here I find myself in my current state.  Indifferent.  Knowing I can't just let it slip away, forgotten to long ago, and far away. 

I want to enjoy the peace.  Continue finding myself.  I've been playing the piano, gardening, fall cleaning.  But I've done my best to take my Professor's advise, and to slow down.  Whether it is a cool drink of water, pretending it's my first drink, or while putting away the dishes that I count myself grateful to have my own dishes to keep.  And thinking about my dog all day long while wishing I could come home.

Something had got to give.  I still feel lost in all of this.  Happier, but still confused.