Entry Number 11: Deja Vu

I worry that if I truly examine my relationship with Him, I will see all the things wrong with it, and begin to doubt. I've always had doubts.  It's like deja vu all over again.  This is definitely a case of it's not you, it's me.  Not to say He's perfect, because no one is.  Just that He's a good person.  He deserves better than this.


I feel selfish for trying to keep him with me.  It's not fair to either of us if my heart isn't it anymore.  I'm afraid to be alone.  I was reading a previous entry, and thought I should update a list.


Five Levels of Truth

1. I am not straight.
2. We need a break.
3. My Mentor.
4. Tell Him.
5. Tell Family.

It was a good reminder that I've already acknowledged that we need a break.  I shouldn't be surprised I'm having doubts at this point.  I just don't what this to end.  I don't want to step out into the unknown by myself.  I've done a great job of alienating myself, and not keeping close friends.  I don't know what's with the distance.  Never really thought about it either...

Why am I so scared all the time? !?  GGGggrrrrrrRRR!  I want to be brave and stop making excuses for myself.  I have the worst follow through ever...

mood:  defeated; trapped.