Have you ever felt like you saw or heard something exactly when you needed it? I read a book about coincidences, which left an impression on me. However I also know from school that sometimes we don't notice things right in front of our faces, until we start looking for them (eg; you buy a new car, and see the same model every time you go out.)
Any way, getting off track... as I approached the cusp of my intoxication, I found myself watching Him, and thinking about what I would miss without him. I now recall thinking this morning about how when He makes me hamburgers, He always puts the cheese side down on the bread, because He knows I like it on the bottom. Or how when I'm sick, I like to be left alone, or that I like a drink as soon as I am awake. Or if I can't sleep, rubbing my back will soothe me.
My heart aches to think of a life without him. Of our plans, and the family we want. Of the lives we are trying to build. And yet, it feels strange that for maybe the first time this week, I've thought about my predicament, and have not shed a tear, or felt the lump grow in my throat. I am surprisingly, and pleasantly calm.
Ah to feel without feeling. To be sober, is just not the same... It's like an on and off switch. Bringing painful thoughts and feelings to the forefront of my mind, and thinking about it even in the least bit objectively. Emotion wholly kept at bay, for even the briefest moment.
It's a breath of fresh air when I am drowning in the depths of despair. I think I am afraid that in all of this, I will be without a rock to hold onto. A constant to plant myself on to keep the world from spinning out of control.
Mom, you were my constant.
....I digress.. (the rambling part...)
So I was thinking about how much I care about Him, and how much I would miss him. What it would be to start over. The good, the bad, and the ugly (love you Dad =) ). So anyway, I logged into FB, and saw a page a friend had "liked." It was called, You'll never find the right person if you don't let go of the wrong one."
I prayed for probably the first time today, in earnest. Like the book, everything is falling into place. For the last couple of months, it seems to be one thing right after another.
So, the question is why am I noticing the coincidences, and should I put stock in them? Is this a sign from God or I am just seeing what I want to? And confusion sets in...
I heard a song yesterday, by Marie Digby, that says;
"I can't belong
To anybody else right now
Though it is not much of an excuse
I can't belong
To anybody else when I've got
So much figuring out to do...
I don't wanna be a girlfriend
I don't want to talk about my feelings... ya
I don't wanna be some girlfriend...
I don't want to have to explain what I'm thinking."
I've always felt kind of like I'm running from something. I hate change, but at the same time, I don't want to feel trapped, or held down. I think that's what happened with Gentz. I thought I was going to lose my mind. I'm feeling trapped in my job, my house, my relationship. Maybe I just need to shed my coat mentally, so I am exercising it physically.
But I can't make excuses about how I feel. It's the last thing on my mind when I'm going to sleep, and secretly wishing, instead of a dreamless sleep, for something more exciting. And when I wake up, less than refreshed, It's right where I left it, just outside the realm of conciseness, waiting to seep back in.
...Side note, He just noticed me righting, and asked if "we are alright." "WE?" I ask. "For now," is my response. I could have just obliterated Him, and shook it off like it was nothing. But the minute I sober up, I will feel the full impact of what I'd done...
Two more days until a chat with my Mentor. Not the best description, but still working on who she is to me. She is safety, wrapping her arms of warmth around me. I feel naked before her, like I can be honest, but it won't matter, because she can see right through me. Like Mom, or Jesus lol....
Don't worry, this is not a tribute to my mommy issues. But I do promise lots of rambling from here on out =)
So back to the story. Even though dinner was ruined due to the second night of BAD MEAT!!! Today has been as peaceful a day as I've had in a while. Talking has helped. It forces me to confront what I'm feeling. I know it's going to continue to spill over until I tell Him. I think my "good track" is intersecting with self sabotage on my next destination.
But where am I going. What do I want? I want to be happy, but don't know how to get there. I've never had the big dream of the wedding and white picket fence, but I've always wanted a family, and someone in my life who loves me. I've just never settled on the specifics.
So I've had lots of signs this week. Just have to pick which one I' want to follow, if any.
No comments:
Post a Comment