Entry Number 5: A Heart to Heart

I went to see my Mentor last night.  My face was burning hot before I even got out of the car.  Not because I was embarrassed, but because of what I knew I had to do.  This would be my first truly honest (not to mention spoken aloud) conversation I would have.  No more hiding, denying, or avoiding.  Somehow, I wasn't afraid.

She reminded me that my Mom would always want me to be happy, even if she didn't agree with my choices, just as my Dad does.  I believe whole heartily that if I do choose to embrace this side of my life, that my family would still welcome me home with open arms, and love me as they do now.  That is what is important, what matters to me most of all, and what scares me to tell Him..  My family doesn't have a choice will always what  take me back.  Hecan walk away and never come back.  He is who I am afraid to hurt lose.

My mentor learned from Oprah that you will continue to make the same mistake over and over until you learn from your mistakes.  I don't want to keep battling to reject my desires only for them to return over and over.  Whether I act on these feelings or not, there is a chance my relationship with Him is over.  But if I face my demons, there is a chance I can keep him.  I don't want to live with the "what ifs."


She asked me who I spoke with that gave me a good day.  I told her it was Grace.  She wasn't surprised, but I knew she wouldn't be.  I had told Grace I have been fighting with the morality of it.  She explained how things are always lost in translation, and that is no different in the Bible.  I was a bit taken aback at how quickly she could justify pacify her conscience, we had both grown up in church.  I said I was surprised how she had really made her peace.  She said, you have to :).  At that moment, the light came one.

I was always taught to love the sinner, not the sin, and that Jesus taught to love everyone.  That God loves everyone.  Mentor said, God makes people gay, he doesn't hate them.  She said God will never leave me.  I want so much to believe that.  I don't even read my Bible anymore because I'm reminded of all the things I'm not.  I never truly thought of myself as a perfectionist, but I hate to be told I'm wrong.  It runs in both sides of the gene pool....

I hope He is will still love me, and be able to look past his own insecurities to stay by my side.  It's not fair to ask, and he deserves better, but I have to stop trying to take care of everyone else, and take care of me for a while.   I'm terrified, but I want to live for me now.  I've always hated keeping secrets that shouldn't be kept.  We went into this promising to always be honest with each other.  Where did we go wrong?  Where did I go wrong?

What's done is done.  I really only have two choices.  Face this and stop living with regrets, or never truly be happy.  I choose to be happy.  Life is always easier said than done.  Now I have to choose when and how to tell Him.

I left her house, face as red and hot as when I first walked through the door.  But instead of anxious and tense, I felt light as a feather, and never so clear in my life!  All the chatter from the constant worry from everything under the sun, I was at complete and utter peace!  My mood matched the weather.  I felt like I was from Pilgrim's Progress, and had left my burden at the Lord's feet.  She was either led by the hand of God, or my own personal savior tonight.  Either way, I have never been so grateful to have her in my life.

Mentor became my blanket of safety, like I hoped she would.  Like Mom, and Him, She made my world stop spinning, and everything else stop with it.  I continued to take her advise to soul search, and do what's best for me.  The only person standing in the way of my own happiness is ME.


I took some time for me today to clean out my closet.  Literally.  I'm always afraid of change, but afterwards I remember how good it feels.  Explains why I feel trapped so often, and need to shed my skin.  I don't know how long it is going to take, but I am determined now more than ever to confess my true feelings to Him.  Mentor said, I might tell him tonight, next week, in a few months, but I would know when the time is right.  She's right.  He knows somethings coming.  Knows me well enough to know a storm is brewing.  I just hope he knows me well enough to see why I am choosing to be selfish, in this.  I love him so much.

I told him today that I appreciate his patience with me for a while now, and that I hope he can keep up the effort.  I reminded him of my warning, and welcome to the mess.  But that was four years ago, he said.  But I've never faced it, and I've got a lot of emotional things surfacing at once now.  I don't think he is ready for this, and I hope to be wrong, but I doubt he will be able to empathize with what I'm going through.

So the heart to heart went well, but I'm a long ways from the end of this, if there is an end.  Wish me luck.  I'm jumping in with both feet now.