Entry Number 16: Coming Out

The first few weeks of the new year have flown by without giving me the chance to process or over analyze even a fraction of what has happened.  And so I have been able to only focus on the most persistent aspects.  How I feel.  And I feel happy.  Completely elated.  And even though the weeks and days and hours continue to zip past me at a dizzying rate, I am overcome with joy, and peace, utter liberation from my self inflicted bondage.  I feel as though nothing can hold me back now.  Like there is no end to the possibilities that lie ahead of me.  I've known for a long time that I am the only one standing in the way of my happiness, but now I know how true that really is.

Two weeks ago today, I decided to come out to my dad.  I knew it was time because I had almost blurted it out to him on several occasions.  Not to mention, all of my siblings except for my youngest brother knew, and I didn't want him to find out from anyone else.

My stomach was in knots as I drove to his apartment.  To prevent my panic from rising further, I switched on the radio.  As I began to steel my nerves and clear my mind of doubt, She texted me.  "Take a deep breath!" she said.  "You're working your own self up."  How right she was.  Her words of encouragement refocused my thoughts.  She reminded me that after tonight, I would never have to lie to him again.  In that moment, I was overcome with peace because I knew she was speaking the truth.

And as scared as I was, I knew I was doing the right thing.  Somehow, by telling him, I knew that it would blast the door off of my closet once and for all, solidifying my decision to come out.  And I realized that I was anxious not because of his response, but because telling him would mean no going back.  No more hiding.  It would leave no more excuses to keep me from chasing my happiness.  And I realized that I had no reason to be afraid because I was already doing what I never thought I could.

At that point, I stopped replaying how I would tell him.  What I would say.  What his reaction would be.  How I would hide my pain if he took it badly.  And I lost myself to the road; to the radio.  To the peace that I had been grasping for.  And as I parked and began the short walk to his door, I was calm, and happy, and knew that I was going to be okay.

We ate a modest supper of leftover which was more than enough to satisfy us both.  That's always been something I've loved about my dad.  It's not about what we do, or what eat.  Its about spending time with each other.  Loving and taking care of each other.  And no matter where he lives, or what he has going on, or even how often I see him, he feels like home.  Just the sight of him puts me at ease.  The mere sound of his voice reminds me that I'm still his little girl no matter how grown up I think I am.

I wanted to tell him the minute I walked in the door, but didn't want to ruin his appetite if things went south.  After dinner my sister called, shaking my nerves again.  So I waited until after we watched a movie but could hardly keep it in a minute longer.  As soon as it ended, I took a deep breath and told him.

I said, "Daddy, we don't have to talk about it, but there is something I have to tell you.  I love you, and I'm gay."  As soon as the words left my lips, my pounding hard began to once again fill with peace.  He responded with disbelief as I expected.  After the initial shock wore off, he began quoting scripture as I also expected.  I listened patiently as I could tell he was trying to understand what I had told him and formulate an opinion.  As he gathered his thoughts, he closed by saying he wasn't going to say he was concerned for my soul, but that this was something I had to reconcile with God.  I told him honestly that I was still coming to terms with that.  And to be completely frank, I don't know that I ever will be able to, but its something I hope I will be able to make peace with one day.

He finished by telling me that he loves me.  Deep down I've always known that he just wants me to be happy.  As much as I miss my mom, I am so grateful to still have my dad.  I love him so much and am so lucky to have him in my corner.  We are alike in so many ways that keeping this from him felt like the worst kind of lie to tell.  Like my dad, I can't go to bed angry or if I've been dishonest, or if I've hurt someone.  When we were little, our parents always told us that we shouldn't let the sun go down without setting a wrong right.  When I left to go home, my heart was full of joy.  I think I even skipped to the car without even trying to conceal my goofy grin because I knew that everything was going to be okay.  That I was going to be okay.  That the hardest part of coming out was over before I'd enough time to even think about it.

I know life will not always be easy.  There will always be people who don't accept me as I am, and my road ahead will more likely than not hold my share of heartache, rejection, and opportunities to pick myself up when I fall down as we all do, but I truly feel like I am going to be okay.  And I don't say that lightly in the least as that is not something I have felt in a long time.  I've always been afraid of the unknown.  Of all the scary parts of life that I've felt so unprepared for.  And I know I still have a lot of growing to do, but I'm finally starting to feel like that's okay.  Like I can slow down and enjoy all the good that I have in my life now instead of racing towards some unobtainable happy life that I can't even picture.  I may not have all the answers, but I'm beginning to be okay with that and learning to take one thing at a time.

I've grown so much in just the last six months I can hardly believe it.  And I dare say, identity crisis averted :)  My hope is to continue to grow and conquer my fears, and I know I am headed in the right direction.



Five Levels of Truth

1. I am not straight.
2. We need a break.
3. My Mentor.
4. Tell Him.
5. Tell Family.