She has shown me a side of myself that I never thought I would be brave enough to ever see. She is captivating and elicits from me what no one else ever could. For the first time in my life, I feel like I might be okay after all. She has filled me with a joy that I didn't think I could feel again; awaken in me a piece of of myself that I thought was forever lost. I feel hope in place of the fear and shame that has crippled me for so long.
I have never met anyone like her. In some ways, we are so alike I feel like she can see right through me. My eyes have become windows to my soul when she holds my gaze, and I become an open book to things that only she has been able to understand. It makes me happy and sad all at the same time to know that I am no longer alone in this. I feel like for the first time, its okay that words are not enough. The connection I feel transcends anything I could ever verbalize and I don't want to miss a single moment of if.
My new daily struggle is to avoid becoming attached. I love people for who they are, and where they are in life's journey, and I have never felt as strongly as I do that our paths crossed at a pivotal point in my walk. An though I know she will never be mine, I am grateful for every passing moment I am able to call her my friend.
She may never know the good she has done for me; never know the hope she has restored to a broken being, but she has touched my life in a way that I will never be able to repay.
***********
My emotions have been in full swing this week. Exiting the throws of passion and racing towards the anniversary of my mothers death, I am again reminded that I am still not whole. I am still a colossal mess despite all the growing I have done this year.
And I know that until I truly lay her to rest, I will continue to struggle with the demons of my past. I feel old in my burdens and the weight of my borrowed beliefs continue to slow me down as I chase after my happiness.
Like God, I can see my happiness just out of reach, and I am the only one standing in my way. I am hampered by my insecurities and as much as I don't want to admit it. I am in bondage to my own weaknesses, and instead of laying them down, I am too proud to ask for help. I am no longer ashamed of my attractions, but I am unable to let go of the fear guilt that grips my soul.
For the first time in my life, I told another individual (OUT LOUD), that I am gay. It felt like a great weight lifting from my heart and evaporating into thin air. This is huge for me, and yet I still have a long way to go.
No longer in a desolate place, I still wander. Not quite as lost and confused as I have been, but still searching for that glimmer of light to follow.
No comments:
Post a Comment