I'm not sure where to start. I haven't been sober much lately, but hadn't really noticed until My Friend pointed it out. He said he thought I was staying sober, but the truth is, there are less sober days than not. I didn't have a good answer for him at the time, which got me thinking about why it's so hard to quit. Here is my response to him.
"I feel like I'm in uncharted territory. I've been kind of lost for a while now, and still very much working through some things. Being sober forces me to face my demons head on. It's exhausting and whether I knew it or not, I now know I've been looking for a way out. I've always been better at avoiding problems than dealing with them. I feel weak, and damaged, and hopeless when I'm clean. Turned back into my inner pessimist instead of the optimist I play when I'm inebriated."
"Because I'm weak, I look for an easy way out. I crave the attention of others, am fiercely loyal to those I love, but I'm terrified of commitment and run from confrontation. I told Him a long time ago that I'm a mess. I guess not much has changed."
"There are a few people in my life that force me to take an honest look at things and see more clearly. I'm grateful to have people with my best interest at heart just a phone call away. Thanks for being one of them, Friend."
"I don't like to talk about my feelings, but I always feel better to get it out. My clarity usually comes in waves, and I do more writing sober. The down side is that thinking on it depresses me."
I thought I was doing so well for a bit. I'm not sure what happened.
A few weeks ago, He asked me to go off the pill so we could start a family. The more of a commitment he wants, the more I want to run. I finally told him that this week. We've both agreed to put our best foot forward and fight for what we want. I'm just afraid that I'm falling back into more detrimental old habits. Habits that are potentially more dangerous than my lack of sobriety. I think that is why I will never marry. The final act of committing to settle. I can't.
How did I find myself here? Focus on the solution, not the problem. I wish I was a bird, and could soar above all my sadness. Fly above the fog and I chain myself to.
I feel ashamed of the way I am behaving, and yet feel powerless to change it. I see no happiness if I break free of current situation and strike out on my own. Or am I only afraid of what I will find?
That leap of faith has been calling my name for so long.
My Friend, said I'd given him a good hug, and I told him it was because I closed my eyes. That it was like the trust exercise, and if you do it right, you can lose yourself in it. Thats exactly what I need, and what I need to do.
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