Today I realized something new. I think I may be using my relationships, current or past, as an excuse to not face a different demon. If I'm single, I have no excuse to face what I am feeling, and find out the truth once and for all. It's become a crutch. A blocking block keeping my goal out of reach.
How long will I continue to run and live in fear of what could be? No matter how much I think I've grown, I'm still that scared little girl trying to find out who she is. Afraid of what others might say, afraid to find out what will happen if I'm wrong.
It's always been clear to me that I've been attracted to the individual, not a particular sex. But I find myself again and again making the easier choice. Settling for contentment rather than just putting myself out there.
The last couple of weeks have proven to me that I am in a pivotal time in my relationship with Him. I've made some decisions I'm not proud of, and see them as desperate acts to escape the prison I've built around me. Another avoidance tactic to skirt the real issue at hand. I'm truly ashamed of my behavior, and now worry I've about a door that's been opened that I can never shut. A friendship forever altered by clouded judgement and selfishness.
I feel like I'm just sitting back waiting for things to come crumbling down around me. It's only a matter of time before I ruin everything if I continue on this self destructive path. I can't take my own advise, much less the advise of someone who's already gone through what I'm feeling. I'm so hard headed I'm not sure how anyone can stand to be around me most days.
Sobriety is still a daily struggle. As much as I think I want it, I've yet to employ any real will power. The truth is it lets me hide from my true feelings. I must not be doing a very good job at hiding it though, because KP has noticed something is up. It's easy enough to make excuses to her, but my stress has more than spilled over in other facets. Despite a bipolar conscience I have managed to contain my current situation without completly going crazy.
It's just a matter of time before I lose it, though. I feel it creeping up on me like the calm before a storm. My emotional pendulum has been on overdrive and quite frankly I'm surprised I have lasted this long without a breakdown. The extremes are coming closer together, and the chance of recovery at each end is quickly diminishing. It's a racing heart beat and an increased feeling of fight or flight. Panic welling up in my chest and threatening to escape my lips in a choked scream. It's desperation on the edge of the mask I've created to protect what I can never say.
The lack of a breakdown has to be due to my friend binge, but that's going to cost me in a whole new way. My mind has been everywhere except where it should be, and I'm not prepared for the consequences of my actions. For not wanting to hurt anyone, my selfishness has probably done unrepairable damage to two of my most cherished relationships.
The weight of my impending despair looms on the edge of the storm; threatening to wash me under a wave of emotion. The haze provided by my drug of choice is only a thin sheet of protection against what I know will soon become utter sorrow for all those sucked into the growing mess that is my life.
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