Friday, October 25, 2013

Entry Number 30: A Homework Assignment

What started out as a homework assignment to organize my chores and grocery list, ended up with thoughts spilling out of my head and onto the white board.  Here is a sequential product of my ramblings:


"Coming out has probably been the biggest blocking block I have overcome in the mountain climb I feel against my anxiety.

You are right in the middle of my beautiful mess.  You have been part of my break through.  I love you so much more, and will love you all of my days because of that.  

You inspire me to change.  To be a better person.  To grow.  I love you because I respect you, and I admire you.  Because I am not afraid when I am with you.  

I found my center last October.  I balanced on my own.  I found my inner peace.  The moments of complete calm I have had since, have given rise to new meaning.  I know what it is to be happy, and know in my heart that it is possible.  I know happiness can be a reality.  I accept that.  

The joy I feel when I am with You is all the sweeter because I have finally learned to make myself happy.

Still, a continued battle, but a truth I have seen with my eyes and felt in my soul.  A year ago I felt a drive burn hot with new will to live, not just exist.  I was blessed for being brave.  For choosing to own my happiness.


scatter brained
shambolic
channeled
distracted
focused
lost
melancholy"


A little rough around the edges, but honest.  God, I miss indulging..  I miss the clarity.

Entry Number 29: A Trip to the Mailbox

October 23, 2013

Per usual, I have allowed my stress to manifest physically.  My body is waving red flags trying to get me to take notice.  I've got it!  Loud and clear!  I've been staying sober, and it took me until to today to realize that I think its part of the reason my anxiety is more elevated than normal...  

I've become dizzy in a whirlpool tug of my thoughts.  Become swept up in the current, and carried downstream.  I choose to see the daisies, and the soft grass as I float by, and remind myself that it is the happy thoughts, the sweet memories we make along the way.  Life can be so beautiful if we just take the time to see it.  There is so much good, all around me, even in the ebb and flow of my journey.

On my Friend's prompting, I began looking at how I was.  Really.  I am busy, stretched thin, stressed out, but okay.  Its been hard to settle back into the daily grind after traveling, and my sleep cycle is off.  The jeep has needed work more than once, and has needed towing, and repair.  I've made headway with the counter tops, but there is still lots to do, and its becoming overwhelming again.  I'm trying to stay connected with family and friends, take care of my dog, my girlfriend, and myself.  

Against the inner rage of a brewing storm, I remain peaceful, calm, on the out side.  The mask of indifference I've grown accustomed to wearing.  To break the silence would be to betray the need for tranquility that I can now see has only been a facade.  My body's physical distress has once again become a testament to the truth of my inner conflict.  I continue to make the same mistakes over, and over again, because I have still not learned to recognize the signs of my stress.

I was checking the mail tonight and found myself lost in thought.  Somewhere before or after a shower, and after indulging, I briefly remembered my thought, only to become distracted again.  

The next thing I remember was that I was getting the pets water, and then I saw that the kitchen window was uncovered..  I filled up the water jug, and then put away the clean dishes.  I forgot to look for a cover in the same trip.

So I went back.  I checked the linen closet for something to cover it with.  To be honest I got stuck there for a while.  The bathroom curtain would be perfect!  But I couldn't find something to take its place.  And also, I realized I shouldn't be standing on the counter naked!  

And that reminded me of my earlier thought!

When I was checking the mail, in the beginning, I realized that by moving,  I will be leaving the one place that has been safe for me as an adult.  I felt comfortable being alone, in my home, naked, with the windows open.  But somewhere between the mailbox and the house, I had a second thought that I should be more careful.  A specific tug that I've felt before, and caused me to notice the kitchen window!  There's your sign!  My old demon of fear, trying to creep back in.  But I refuse to give in.  Refuse to feed a weakness I have tried so hard to free myself from.

As I made my way to the mail box, I realized that I had been worrying again, so I realigned my thoughts.  I realized that even though I am consciously deciding to leave my home, a place where I can rest easy, and recharge, I know I will be okay.  I will miss the sound of the trains, but I will be okay.  She has my heart, and I know that I can make a new home with Her.  She is my happy thought, my safe place.  

Monday, September 30, 2013

Note Number Seven: Actions Speak Louder Than Words

I gave myself a deadline; September 28th.  I couldn't let another month go by giving into unhealthy behavior, keeping her waiting, taking advantage of her patience.  September 18th/19th proved to be an amazing day.  For a while now, I had been struggling with somethings that I didn't quite know how to reconcile, or even fully understand.  I couldn't figure out why it was such a big deal, or what was fueling my inaction.

We were laying in bed and I found myself becoming distracted by one of my happiest moments.  I can't say what triggered the memory, but I found myself being whisked away as if in a dream.  I was once again falling asleep in Her bed at the townhouse.  And as clear as day, I heard her whisper that she loved me.  Even if I wanted to, I am unable to recall this event without being filled with joy.  It was the simplicity that I remember most.  Everything else fell away as I could truly feel the emotion in her words.  The truth escaping from her lips and permeating my mind like sunshine warming my skin.

It is one of the clearest memories of total bliss I have.  She is my favorite person.  My happy thought. I knew at that moment, the time was right, and I couldn't let the opportunity pass me by.  It was high time she felt the reciprocation She'd been longing for.

My only regret is that it took me so long to show her that her needs are are important to me.  That they are more important than my fears, my insecurities.

Saturday, August 24, 2013

Entry Number 28: My Insecurities

I noticed a pattern tonight regarding my racing thoughts.  But I'll come back to that.

I have done no better, since my last post to determine the cause of my most prevalent causes of stress.  To make matters worse, I dropped the "r" word in front of Her.  Although I have not acted upon my urges, they are no doubt there, and continuing to grow as I refuse to feed into them.  Not dealing with my stress is causing me to turn it inward in order to keep smiling.

Queue the racing thoughts; as long as the real problem is hidden beneath the overwhelming flow of distractions, I can avoid the impending despair that must be buried somwhere far below.

I am sad because I feel as though I have mislead Her.  I tried so hard to tell her what a mess I am.  I've hidden my scars from myself, but now we are both beginning to see them as our relationship unfolds.  A little less guarded, a little more worried, because no matter what She says, I'm still afraid I will scare her away with all my baggage.

Eight months seems like a long time, and somehow I have made little progress on the road to recovery, and She has somehow felt She is not doing enough to help me.  It saddens me to no end knowing She feels that way.  I told her once that no matter how many times a girl is told she is beautiful, she still has to believe it for herself in order to accept it as true truth.

She feels as though Her reassurance has not made a difference.  How can I make her understand that what looks like little to no progression to Her, is leaps and bounds ahead of the static passing of time I found myself trapped in.  It's true that not all those who wander are lost, but I have spent more than my share of time wandering lost.

I don't know how to steady my mind to process everything that has happened since last October.  The emotions I felt then, still so fresh in my mind.  For the first time ever, I began feeling like me.  My very own and unique shade of Violet.  The preverbal exhale of "Finally!  I'm starting to get somewhere!"  

I was on such a good track until I let go of my Mother.  Maybe it's because she's not done testing me.  She's not really done controlling me.  Somehow I almost let her grip reach me this past week.  I felt like the sadness and mess in my life is my fault, and so I deserve to be drowned in misery.  I had a moment of weakness, defeat, and all but hopelessness until I came up for air, and stepped out of her shadow.  It came out of nowhere and caught me by such surprise that I had forgotten I don't have to worry about her judgement anymore.  That even though I had been shaken, I didn't have to let her be the one to decide whether or not I deserve to be happy.  

My happiness is my choice, and mine alone.  The last few days of sobriety have brought with it the full impact and sting of the emotions I have been flooded with.  I decided last year to do what makes me happy and not put all my energy into pleasing others.  And then it was brought to my attention that I have taken it too far.  I have taken advantage of my Lover's patience and have been neglecting some of Her needs as I selfishly indulge in my own joy.

It seems like just yesterday I was leaving in the middle of the night to see her.  Listening to happy music, primping at stop lights, trying to hide my stupid grin before she answered the door.  All but unable to contain the happiness I felt sure was going to burst from my body.

It's not that I consciously chose to be a bad girlfriend, but I don't have a good excuse for myself.  I have no right to complain about insecurities when others have legitimate reasons to be guarded.

It feels so good to talk to her.  To let go of the lies I've let myself believe and continued to subconsciously feed, something she has shown me.  Between the shutting down and internal chatter, its no wonder she feels like I'm keeping her in the dark.  I can't get out a single complete thought without sitting on it for days.  And by then, the moments gone, and I've let her down again.  She's guided by logic and reason, and doesn't understand the degree to which my emotions rule me.  Rational or not.  And its just so much more than to say "I'm not okay, I'm sad, I feel lonely, and lost, and in pain."

She thinks I'm so put together but its just a safety net, an artificial security for all the broken pieces I try to conceal behind my smile.  

I think it hurts her that I can't communicate the reasons behind my actions, or lack there of.  If only I could make her understand that if I knew the reasons, I could not only tell her, but fix the problems.  I feel defeated.  Her pain, cynicism, and frustration can be felt not only throughout the house, but even when she's at work.  The last few days I have felt incredible emotional shifts preceding some of her texts.  Today it caused me to ask something I shouldn't have because I couldn't control the rising panic and proved her points for her. The constant reassuring is not making the difference She'd been hoping for.

Instead of standing on the shore, looking out into the sea of emotions, I've become submerged.  No one can make clear decisions based on emotions.  I am clearly still learning to think before I speak and not react based on how I'm feeling in that exact moment.  Not only am I causing myself pain, but Her now, too.  And I hate myself for that.  I can't even communicate how much I care for Her, and I am HURTING Her!  That I am the cause for her pain is crippling to bare.  I'm becoming an emotional, tearful, clingy, wreck and I wouldn't blame her for running for the hills before getting sucked into my turmoil...

Maybe this is too big to handle on my own, but I truly don't know what to ask for help for.  I can hardly express how I feel, much less what is causing it.  I don't know how I got here.  I've been so happy.  Tearing down the wall and letting her see the broken pieces is proving to be as hard as I was afraid it would be.  I've never allowed myself to be so vulnerable with anyone.  Does She know how fragile it makes me feel?  How exposed I feel around Her?  That trust is such a fine line between utter peace and crushing disaster.


Listening to:  Brand New - Handcuffs.
Feeling:  Defeated, Tired, Inebriated.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Entry Number 27: What is the Real Issue

I miss Dad today, though its not just that.  My stress is piling up again.  I've seen the signs but not clearly.  The usual tug to rearrange the furniture is back.  I'd hoped the living room and bedroom would have appeased it, but truthfully I was not satisfied upon completion, and it has continued to build ever since.  It scares me to let her see me like this.  I shamefully waited until I was alone, even though I knew I couldn't hide it.  All the same it was out of guilt because I knew I shouldn't feed into it.  Not dealing with the cause only prolongs the stress..

I have to address the real issue, I'm just not sure what it is.  I guess I never really do, and that's part of the problem.

I've not only been shutting down lately, but I have been noticing it, which is good.  Its almost as if its a preemptive strike to protect myself agains an impending panic attached.  I'm just not sure why I feel the need to shut down and retreat into the safety of my mind.  Especially when the questions being asked or the situations I find myself in are truly not all that threatening.

It is so frustrating to not be able to tell her how I feel.  She deserves to know.  I want her to know.  Why can't I just find the words??  Sometimes I feel like she must already know or feel it, but that isn't enough for me.  I want her to hear the words and know with absolute certainty the emotion imprinted on my heart.  The feeling behind the rapid heartbeat that must surely penetrates my entire being when she holds me close.  Oh the things She does to me with just a single kiss.  I long for the comfort of being lost in her embrace, the peace she imparts with a simple touch or reassuring phrase.

I've never felt as close to someone as I do Her.  And She knows more of the real me than maybe I even I do..  And yet I feel like she wants more.  I am not deliberately withholding, but I don't know how to let go.  So much is still trapped behind the wall.

Its hard because I'm not used to letting anyone see this side of me.  My weakness; my stress; the unhealthy habits I've formed to deal with the outward expressions of said stress.  Its not that I feel judged, but more so that I feel ashamed of my own inability to fix the underlying problems.  Its my pride that prevents me from asking for help, and yet I wouldn't know what help to ask for even if I could.  Damn my independence that has become a stumbling block on the road to a better adjusted me.

I just don't want anyone to see this side of me, but especially Her.  In some ways I feel like I am still broken, damaged goods, and I know She deserves better, more.  (Ironically, after years in retail, She now opts to purchase the "damaged goods" in order to leave the more esthetically pleasing ones for the other shoppers.  Ha!  There's your sign...)

I hate to think I am holding her back or keeping her from something or someone better.  I promised myself I would fix myself before dragging anyone else into my mess, but when I least expected it, She swept me off of my feet and lead me to a place of happiness I never imagined could exist for me.  I finally have someone in my life who wants to help me unpack my baggage instead of helping me carry it, or worse, ignoring it.  I just don't know how to let Her help me...

Unimportant day-to-day problems have plagued the forefront of my mind, preventing me from pondering the deeper causes of my anxiety.  Home renovations, temperamental AC unit, and car trouble are all minuscule when considering the big picture, but somehow I have let the "little" things consume me.  In part, I think it is just a further reminder that my Dad and Brother are no longer here to run to when I need help.  Now when something goes wrong, I have the slightest rise of panic because I feel like I have no one.  But that is simply not true.

I have to learn to lean on my partner.  Have to accept that She is here for me and that it isn't a burden to go to Her when I need help..  She has shown me time and again that I am not going to scare her away, and yet I still struggle to accept that.  Why am I so afraid that those I love will leave me?  How can I be so "trusting" in some regard, and yet so afraid to let go and just be me?

I've found it to be increasingly difficult to articulate lately; and not just in my writing, but in spoken word as well.  It has taken me days (days!) to even get these less-than-average words in print.  I have yet to determine the source of my block..  It is so much easier to let the anxiety slip below the surface of my new found happiness that it becomes tempting to let it reside there permanently.  Only I know that isn't possible.  Sooner or later it will rise up again and I will find myself giving in to the need to control my life, my safety, and the rearranging will begin.  One of the many outward expressions of an inner turmoil I am still learning to control cope with.  Perspective is everything.  If only I could see what I am doing to myself through a clear lens, then maybe I could stop the pattern.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Entry Number 26: Reason 14 Why I Love Her

I was laying in bed last night, thoughts racing, when I felt the familiar rise of panic creeping up on me.  As my breathing became rapid, I began to wonder what was causing the fear that was suddenly closing in on me; threatening to overcome the peace I had felt only moments ago.  In that instant I realized there was no point in wondering why or where it was coming from.  Instead I chose to think of something good, and my thoughts refocused on the warm embrace of Her arms.  

As though She could hear my thoughts, She began to rub my shoulders; increasing in pressure as if to say "I'm here," and "Everything is going to be okay."  I have never felt as in sync with someone as I have with Her.  Our non-verbal communication continues to astound me.  It is uncanny how She can not only sense the slightest shift in my mood sometimes, but also ascertain what I need before even I can.

I've always believed that we accept the love we think we deserve, and have only recently been able to apply that to my previous partners.  It has been nothing short of eye opening to contemplate how I have viewed my own self worth; the value, or lack there of, that I have become accustom to seeing.  I don't know how I became lucky enough to deserve Her love, but not a day goes by that I don't feel grateful to have met Her.

Surely, She must see something in me that I can't, because I feel a little less broken when she holds my gaze.  I know I will never be able to see myself as others can, but I know I'm on the right track to having a much healthier self image.

In even the most simplistic of ways, She has helped me to let go and move on from events that have plagued me since childhood.  No longer do I feel like I am fighting an uphill battle for my sanity.  Somehow I have found someone who is helping me unpack my baggage rather than carry it.  The progress I have made both on my own and with Her help has been monumental.

I love Her because She makes me feel like everything is going to be okay.
Because She makes me feel safe.
Because She takes my breath away, makes my heart skip and my knees weak.
Because She gives me butterflies.
Its how She looks at me.
How She touches me, and runs Her fingers through my hair.
The way She kisses my forehead and holds my hand.
For all the things She makes me feel that I will never be able to put into words.
I love Her because She loves me for me.  The me that no one else can see.

It gives me hope that She can see potential in me.  That She doesn't think of me as the lost cause I so often thought I was.

Knowing Her has shown me that perseverance pays off, and that happiness has always been within my reach.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Entry Number 25: Misery Loves Company

Today my heart is heavy.  Plagued by keeping a truth that wasn't mine to tell, I buckled and divulged knowledge that wasn't mine to share.  As the saying goes, misery loves company, and mine has been multiplied by the grief I have caused my confident.  Shamed in my weakness and the dishonesty I felt by keeping it to myself, my heart aches from the pain I was unwilling to shoulder alone.

My fear is that no good will come from what I've told.  And instead of feeling better for getting it off my chest, I am ailed by my worry.  Has my keen ability to be blunt as a spoon once again caused me to do no more than put my foot in my mouth?  I've known from the beginning that this was not my problem to fix, and yet the guilt of keeping it a secret compelled me to set the truth free.  But now I know for sure that the chances of something good coming from this is next to none.  Why I ever thought that bringing light to this would do any good, I don't know.

I thought by coming clean my conscience would be at peace, but instead I feel that I have only aided to further complicate a situation I should not have involved myself in.  Oh, but don't you understand why I could no longer keep this secret?  How it has slowly been chipping away to break free from the neat little box I tried so hard to keep it hidden in?  Maybe this is only my selfishness talking; trying to convince myself that telling was the right thing to do..

It is in my nature to be honest.  My conscience has never truly let me hide in the shadows of deceit for long.  My mind will be all but consumed by any dishonesty until set right, but I never truly mean to hurt anyone.  In my heart I feel that I did the right thing, and yet the burden of that knowledge has now been replaced by a subtle but growing panic that I've made a huge mistake. 
 

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Note Number Six: Empath 101 (Interesting Read)


Empath 101

Dreamtongue - The Empathic Language

What is an Empath?

To get straight to the point: Empath is a form of identity emerging in the twenty-first century. The term has been used in literature and in film, but the reality is that there are ever increasing numbers of people who identify with the Empath concept.

An Empath is a person who was born with unique variations in the central nervous system. This means how the brain is configured and how the nervous system works in the body. This has not yet been studied and quantified by science. Instead it is being brought forth by individuals who are becoming self-aware of these qualities and who explore this experience through creative and intuitive outlets.

A high degree of overall sensitivity is the general indicator for this type of person. All of the sensory organs of an Empath have low thresholds thereby resulting in unusual sensitivity to light, smell, and sound (as well as other subtler senses). Although underlying sensitivity is the unifying factor behind all Empaths, how this sensitivity is "managed" or "funneled" varies from person to person.

An Empath also possesses a very sensitive emotional nature, that is typically difficult to self-manage. Books have been written on "highly sensitive people" and those materials are relevant to this topic. However, being highly sensitive is only one part of the formula for Empaths.

As a result of the interaction between an extremely sensitive neural network and the concurrent emotional nature of a person with this profile, Empaths are highly intuitive. The word intuition needs to be better understood when used in communications but I will save that for a later article.

A better understanding of intuition leads to a better understanding of what actually constitutes an Empath. For now, I only want to say that Empaths are highly intuitive which means they tend to do things by feeling, by sensing, by reacting to proprioceptive queues, and by following "hunches, gut-feelings," etc. This includes critical decision making, reacting, and acting upon influences in their own lives predominately from intuitive queues.  This process can lead to better or worse results depending upon the development of the Empath.

Empaths are driven by their own intuitive natures. This can be for good or bad. There is no virtue implied in the term "Empath." After nine years of studying Empaths online, and thirty in general,  I have found that the majority who step forward suffer from some form of mental distress or disorder. This does not mean that the majority of Empaths suffer from mental "illness", instead it implies that the majority of Empaths encountered in my research profess to some sort of "struggle" with their own uniqueness.  Since my training is in mental health counseling, I found this to be fascinating and made this area a special part of my research.  My model does not supplant the medical model of mental illness but does suggest that "excess wiring" (so to speak) and "diverse thresholds" may require other interventions beyond medical treatment.  I firmly believe in adhering to the standards we have established in all medical and psychological fields of science.  Yet this belief does not          inhibit my desire to explore and discover through, what I call, the "panheuristic" process.  Ask me about the panheuristic process in my Yahoo Empaths group.

Empaths are driven by deep intuitive connections that are largely unconscious, as if sitting on top of a vast oil reserve in the ground and being a conduit (oil well) for this massive amount of energy. Most of what an Empath senses or "knows" cannot be verified immediately which creates a terrible psychic conflict for the person. The over abundance of real and imagined stimuli are frequently overwhelming. Sorting out the two is even more so.  That is why I am a major advocate of structured training!

Imagine having vast amounts of information floating around in your head but no direct way to access it or express No way to sort it out or use it in any clearly defined way. Most of what it is cannot be proven immediately but does get proven over time. (I am skipping over a great deal of points here, just to make a point).

The stress of taking in the emotions of other people, of sensing information on a continual basis, of being a "human sponge", of being driven by deep inner forces that are not understood, all create a "torture chamber" of sorts within the average Empath. This does not have to be as melodramatic as I make it sound, but please understand - it frequently is for the subject.

I refer to this state in the Book of Storms as the "unbonded" Empath. Before figuring out who you are, you must figure out what you are, and reconcile the two. It's called the Book of STORMS for a reason!  Learning about your internal storms, the nature of "storms", and how to "manage your own inner weather" are all par for the course.  Empaths identify with many forms of nature and frequently feel affinity towards storms.  Obviously, it is a powerful personal smbol for me.  I have always felt "connected" to storms.   As a metaphor, storms offer an unending supply of creative insight.

Many Empaths suffer from anxiety due to an overload of incoming stimuli and intuitive information. Some suffer from depression due to being overwhelmed with all the "storms" going on inside. It is not uncommon for an Empath to tell me that he or she has been diagnosed as "bipolar/manic-depressive." Now, that does not mean that          if you were diagnosed as bipolar that you are automatically an Empath - it just means there is a possibility that we are quick to put medical labels on things without fully investigating them.

The interesting questions that arise are: Are Empaths more susceptible to mental illness? OR Is the mental illness/distress the result of being an unbonded Empath? Which comes first? This research still goes on.  I have met plenty of well adjusted Empaths - yet will still find that they seek some sort of comfort somewhere, either in mild medication or counseling, something to soothe those internal storms.

The professional fields of Psychology & Psychiatry do not yet recognize these factors and continue to leave all the issues "clumped" together, undifferentiated. I originally planned this work for a doctoral thesis but will not be pursuing that in this lifetime now. Instead, I am putting it into a user friendly format in hope that an emerging self-awareness among Empaths will take place, creating a positive wave of change for the planet. Anytime the "collective mind" of the human race can change towards the better and grow, good can happen on new scales.  Yes, I am an idealist. We frequently are.

Now, for a more popular explanation! An Empath is a type of "psychic", but instead of reading the "future" or viewing remote objects, the Empath specializes in reading people. I only mention all this because there is now a huge overlap/confusion          between the two words. The "free for all" mentality of the new age movement seized upon the Empath term after we flooded it on the internet, so everyone , everywhere threw in what they had or knew to the concept. I suggest using the word Empath as a hybrid form of psychic, more of a realistic/grounded version of our potential for extra sensory perception.  An Empath is sensitive to the visible as well as the invisible. An Empath reads  body language,  tone of voice, body movements, the words people choose when they speak, the words they avoid, the logic they use; and the hidden things that only an Empath can sense inside another person. A fully developed Empath reads on what could be considered a 360 degree scope. I have this entire 360 scope mapped out in great detail in a teaching model I call the PHI Model of Consciousness or P.H.I.  P.H.I. stands for "panheuristic intelligence" which is ultimately what I am advocating.  My research has been inspired by the work of Dr. Timothy Leary and the many brilliant souls who elaborated on his work.  It is also inspired by the profound teachings of the Buddha, from the very core and heart of what I believe the Dharma to be.

Empaths are extremely powerful people. In the next article I will tell you what I mean by that and introduce the first course. The first course is very basic. Yes, I know - you could be very advanced and beyond all that, but start the first course in Empath 101: "Dreamtongue" starting with the basics. That way, by the time you get to the advanced stuff - you will excel and feel wonderful about your growth!

Dreamtongue is a course in empathic communication and is the pre-requisite for all classes to follow. To benefit from the course start with the introduction and then work with each lesson separately and in order. You can work at your own pace. Some people will be ahead of you, some will be behind, and others will be starting just after you.

Work at your own pace. Post questions as needed and share your experiences with the materials inside the Yahoo group. Do not be concerned with others being ahead of you or of feeling that you are too far behind. Just work in your own timeframe and you will be fine. This process has been tested over the years by many people.

http://mysilentecho.com/dreamtongue1.htm


Saturday, April 13, 2013

Entry Number 24: Patience for the Unenlightened

Yesterday was the first time I felt any negativity towards my choice to be openly gay.  We met a friend for lunch and were waiting in line to pay when I noticed one of the employees glaring in my direction.  I tried to ignore it, hoping he was looking at someone else or possibly just frustrated with his current task; but he didn't look away.  In fact, after a couple of minutes, he had a friend with him who was also casting hateful looks in my direction.

At first, it did hurt a little, but those feelings were quickly replaced by anger.  I wanted to yell at him, or flip him the bird, or at least give a dirty look back.  But in the end, I decided he wasn't worth it.  Those few fleeting moment of hurt and then anger lasted only long enough to remind me to look at the bigger picture.  The LGBT community has fought so long for tolerance; equality.  Who am I to treat anyone in a way other than how I would want to be treated?  Why even let myself become upset by the ignorance of others?  And then what I realized was that I felt sorry for the employee.  Sorry that he wasn't brought up being taught the golden rule and to love one another.  Sorry that he is closed minded and unable to share in the happiness I feel and the joy I have come to know by living openly.

It is humbling to again have it brought to my attention how naive I can be.  As much as I want to believe that everyone has the potential to be good at heart, that just isn't so.  And that's not to say this guy isn't a good person, but that I can't expect everyone to see things the way I do and to be willing to give people a chance.  Definitely leaves more to think about...

Monday, April 8, 2013

Entry Number 23: Growth is Progress

I've been reminded several times this week that I am still struggling to make peace with my sexuality.  I don't want to ignore the conflict, but sometimes it is easy to forget while being swept away in a whirlwind of joyous emotion.

I am finally creating my own happiness, and image that; I still manage to find a way to feel bad about it.  My true pessimistic self can stay hidden for only so long..  It makes no more sense than any of my other irrational thoughts, and somehow I'm determined to dissect it.  I think it is important to know why I am feeling bad about it so that I can completely let it go.

Its like trying to convince myself I'm okay when I know I'm not.  Justification in the worst possible form..  Self mutilation of a different brand.  Creating inner turmoil instead of promoting peace.  Its the ever fleeting zen that I'm afraid to lose if I spend too much time "feeling bad."  I hate carrying the burden of guilt imposed by a false prophet.  He continues to haunt me from not only his grave, but that of my Mothers.  Her will broken, her hand forced, and the lingering damage inflicted under the guise of protection rage in battle at the cost of my sanity.

Still waters may run deep, but a pebble dropped in a puddle will still send ripples to the edges.  Even the smallest disturbances threaten to destroy my peace some days.  But inside I'm a fighter.  My stubbornness refuses to let me give up.  I've worked too hard to get where I am to let anyone else take my happiness from me.  I am finally (finally!) learning to love me.  Feeling good about who I am, instead of being weak, broken, crazy, damned, what I am.  Is it selfish to not want to give that up?  Not selfish, but weak..  I cannot continue to grow until I let this go.

No one ever said growing is easy, and if they did, they lied!  Its not that I'm afraid of the pain I'm sure to feel, I'm just not prepared for the mental exhaustion.  The seclusion and darkness that comes with bringing light to the past.  Reliving the way the emotion felt all over again.  But the understanding gained will only help me to let it go and move on for good.  This just isn't one of those things I can let go without processing first.  Oh how I wish it was, but wishing will get me no where.  Nothing in this life is free, and those that are worth the most often take the most toll or energy to not only gain, but keep.

Happiness is worth the chase.  Peace is worth fighting for.  Exhaustion is worth the toll.  The preparation has begun.  Jumping in with both feet does not mean stopping when it gets hard; it means preserving when strength is all but gone, and doing what is right, not easy.  In the end, all we have is our integrity, and hopefully the story of a beautiful and full life lived.  That is what I want, and that is the dream I choose.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Entry Number 22: Let the Healing Begin

I've become weary in both my body and mind.  Its taken me almost a week to recover from my last migraine; the second so far this year.   I realized today that my most recent stress has been brought on from once again worrying about things I cannot change.  Kept bottled inside, old habits of avoidance and walls creeping back in without even noticing it.  Placid on the outside, a mask of protection that feels all too familiar.  Its comforting, yet detrimental to my growth, and something that I can see only as a step in the wrong direction.

It is something that I can now make a concious  effort to control and must make the attempt to conquer. I think I've always felt old, but not old enough to worry as much as I do.

Today is Mom's birthday.  I do not feel sad.  The days of focusing my thoughts on her in attempts to force acceptance are long gone.  My soul once again returning to the emotional void and comfortably numb when her face enters my thoughts.

I have become more and more aware of unhealthy behaviors that I have control over, and the ability I have to change them.  Naturally, my instinct is resistance to change, and the physical manifestations are evident..  How strange that I can be so resistant to change and yet crave it like an adrenaline rush?  As are many things, just another paradox to ponder.  My Mentor has said, let the healing begin, and I have.  What joy I find in that simple wisdom.  Let the healing begin.

What a monumental day to commit to letting her go.  I've been dancing around it for years, and I am ready to let the healing begin.  I'm so ready to lay this burden down, and I know it will not be easy, but the time is now.  We are not promised tomorrow, and I know she wouldn't want me to spend anymore time being haunted by my fears.  Above all else, she loved me; unwaveringly, unconditionally.  That is what I miss most about her.  That is what I felt when she wrapped me in her arms.  It is an unparalleled sensation that touched me to my core.  One that I will never forget, and can never be reproduced.  And I miss her sorely...

Those are the memories I choose to remember.  My inner pessimist be damned.  I choose happiness.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Note Number Five: INFJ



Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging 
by Joe Butt
Profile: INFJ
Revision: 3.1
Date of Revision: 8 Aug 2010

Beneath the quiet exterior, INFJs hold deep convictions about the weightier matters of life. Those who are activists -- INFJs gravitate toward such a role -- are there for the cause, not for personal glory or political power.

INFJs are champions of the oppressed and downtrodden. They often are found in the wake of an emergency, rescuing those who are in acute distress. INFJs may fantasize about getting revenge on those who victimize the defenseless. The concept of 'poetic justice' is appealing to the INFJ.

"There's something rotten in Denmark." Accurately suspicious about others' motives, INFJs are not easily led. These are the people that you can rarely fool any of the time. Though affable and sympathetic to most, INFJs are selective about their friends. Such a friendship is a symbiotic bond that transcends mere words.

INFJs have a knack for fluency in language and facility in communication. In addition, nonverbal sensitivity enables the INFJ to know and be known by others intimately.

Writing, counseling, public service and even politics are areas where INFJs frequently find their niche.


Introverted iNtuiting Feeling Judging
by Marina Margaret Heiss

INFJs are distinguished by both their complexity of character and the unusual range and depth of their talents. Strongly humanitarian in outlook, INFJs tend to be idealists, and because of their J preference for closure and completion, they are generally "doers" as well as dreamers. This rare combination of vision and practicality often results in INFJs taking a disproportionate amount of responsibility in the various causes to which so many of them seem to be drawn.

INFJs are deeply concerned about their relations with individuals as well as the state of humanity at large. They are, in fact, sometimes mistaken for extroverts because they appear so outgoing and are so genuinely interested in people -- a product of the Feeling function they most readily show to the world. On the contrary, INFJs are true introverts, who can only be emotionally intimate and fulfilled with a chosen few from among their long-term friends, family, or obvious "soul mates." While instinctively courting the personal and organizational demands continually made upon them by others, at intervals INFJs will suddenly withdraw into themselves, sometimes shutting out even their intimates. This apparent paradox is a necessary escape valve for them, providing both time to rebuild their depleted resources and a filter to prevent the emotional overload to which they are so susceptible as inherent "givers." As a pattern of behavior, it is perhaps the most confusing aspect of the enigmatic INFJ character to outsiders, and hence the most often misunderstood -- particularly by those who have little experience with this rare type.

Due in part to the unique perspective produced by this alternation between detachment and involvement in the lives of the people around them, INFJs may well have the clearest insights of all the types into the motivations of others, for good and for evil. The most important contributing factor to this uncanny gift, however, are the empathic abilities often found in Fs, which seem to be especially heightened in the INFJ type (possibly by the dominance of the introverted N function).

This empathy can serve as a classic example of the two-edged nature of certain INFJ talents, as it can be strong enough to cause discomfort or pain in negative or stressful situations. More explicit inner conflicts are also not uncommon in INFJs; it is possible to speculate that the causes for some of these may lie in the specific combinations of preferences which define this complex type. For instance, there can sometimes be a "tug-of-war" between NF vision and idealism and the J practicality that urges compromise for the sake of achieving the highest priority goals. And the I and J combination, while perhaps enhancing self-awareness, may make it difficult for INFJs to articulate their deepest and most convoluted feelings.

Usually self-expression comes more easily to INFJs on paper, as they tend to have strong writing skills. Since in addition they often possess a strong personal charisma, INFJs are generally well-suited to the "inspirational" professions such as teaching (especially in higher education) and religious leadership. Psychology and counseling are other obvious choices, but overall, INFJs can be exceptionally difficult to pigeonhole by their career paths. Perhaps the best example of this occurs in the technical fields. Many INFJs perceive themselves at a disadvantage when dealing with the mystique and formality of "hard logic", and in academic terms this may cause a tendency to gravitate towards the liberal arts rather than the sciences. However, the significant minority of INFJs who do pursue studies and careers in the latter areas tend to be as successful as their T counterparts, as it is *iNtuition* -- the dominant function for the INFJ type -- which governs the ability to understand abstract theory and implement it creatively.

In their own way, INFJs are just as much "systems builders" as are INTJs; the difference lies in that most INFJ "systems" are founded on human beings and human values, rather than information and technology. Their systems may for these reasons be conceptually "blurrier" than analogous NT ones, harder to measure in strict numerical terms, and easier to take for granted -- yet it is these same underlying reasons which make the resulting contributions to society so vital and profound.


Functional Analysis:

Introverted iNtuition
Introverted intuitives, INFJs enjoy a greater clarity of perception of inner, unconscious processes than all but their INTJ cousins. Just as SP types commune with the object and "live in the here and now" of the physical world, INFJs readily grasp the hidden psychological stimuli behind the more observable dynamics of behavior and affect. Their amazing ability to deduce the inner workings of the mind, will and emotions of others gives INFJs their reputation as prophets and seers. Unlike the confining, routinizing nature of introverted sensing, introverted intuition frees this type to act insightfully and spontaneously as unique solutions arise on an event by event basis.

Extraverted Feeling
Extraverted feeling, the auxiliary deciding function, expresses a range of emotion and opinions of, for and about people. INFJs, like many other FJ types, find themselves caught between the desire to express their wealth of feelings and moral conclusions about the actions and attitudes of others, and the awareness of the consequences of unbridled candor. Some vent the attending emotions in private, to trusted allies. Such confidants are chosen with care, for INFJs are well aware of the treachery that can reside in the hearts of mortals. This particular combination of introverted intuition and extraverted feeling provides INFJs with the raw material from which perceptive counselors are shaped.

Introverted Thinking
The INFJ's thinking is introverted, turned toward the subject. Perhaps it is when the INFJ's thinking function is operative that he is most aloof. A comrade might surmise that such detachment signals a disillusionment, that she has also been found lacking by the sardonic eye of this one who plumbs the depths of the human spirit. Experience suggests that such distancing is merely an indication that the seer is hard at work and focusing energy into this less efficient tertiary function.

Extraverted Sensing
INFJs are twice blessed with clarity of vision, both internal and external. Just as they possess inner vision which is drawn to the forms of the unconscious, they also have external sensing perception which readily takes hold of worldly objects. Sensing, however, is the weakest of the INFJ's arsenal and the most vulnerable. INFJs, like their fellow intuitives, may be so absorbed in intuitive perceiving that they become oblivious to physical reality. The INFJ under stress may fall prey to various forms of immediate gratification. Awareness of extraverted sensing is probably the source of the "SP wannabe" side of INFJs. Many yearn to live spontaneously; it's not uncommon for INFJ actors to take on an SP (often ESTP) role.



Copyright © 1996-2013 by Marina Margaret Heiss and Joe Butt
If you are an INFJ, you may subscribe to any of the following:
the INFJ List at INFJ.org
Jen's INFJ List
INFJ-List
INFJ Forum
Chat with fellow INFJs at the INFJ forum by PersonalityCafe. 
Career Development for INFJs 
Jung Typology for the Workplace (Pre-employment testing and team building resources for your organization) 

Type Relationships for INFJs:
Identity
Pal
Complement
Contrast Supplement
Anima
Suitemate
Cohort Companion
Tribesman
Advisor
Pedagogue Enigma
Novelty
Neighbor
Counterpart


http://typelogic.com/infj.html

Note Number Four: INTJ

Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Judging 
by Marina Margaret Heiss
Profile: INTJ
Revision: 3.1
Date of Revision: 17 Oct 2009

To outsiders, INTJs may appear to project an aura of "definiteness", of self-confidence. This self-confidence, sometimes mistaken for simple arrogance by the less decisive, is actually of a very specific rather than a general nature; its source lies in the specialized knowledge systems that most INTJs start building at an early age. When it comes to their own areas of expertise -- and INTJs can have several -- they will be able to tell you almost immediately whether or not they can help you, and if so, how. INTJs know what they know, and perhaps still more importantly, they know what they don't know.

INTJs are perfectionists, with a seemingly endless capacity for improving upon anything that takes their interest. What prevents them from becoming chronically bogged down in this pursuit of perfection is the pragmatism so characteristic of the type: INTJs apply (often ruthlessly) the criterion "Does it work?" to everything from their own research efforts to the prevailing social norms. This in turn produces an unusual independence of mind, freeing the INTJ from the constraints of authority, convention, or sentiment for its own sake.

INTJs are known as the "Systems Builders" of the types, perhaps in part because they possess the unusual trait combination of imagination and reliability. Whatever system an INTJ happens to be working on is for them the equivalent of a moral cause to an INFJ; both perfectionism and disregard for authority may come into play, as INTJs can be unsparing of both themselves and the others on the project. Anyone considered to be "slacking," including superiors, will lose their respect -- and will generally be made aware of this; INTJs have also been known to take it upon themselves to implement critical decisions without consulting their supervisors or co-workers. On the other hand, they do tend to be scrupulous and even-handed about recognizing the individual contributions that have gone into a project, and have a gift for seizing opportunities which others might not even notice.

In the broadest terms, what INTJs "do" tends to be what they "know". Typical INTJ career choices are in the sciences and engineering, but they can be found wherever a combination of intellect and incisiveness are required (e.g., law, some areas of academia). INTJs can rise to management positions when they are willing to invest time in marketing their abilities as well as enhancing them, and (whether for the sake of ambition or the desire for privacy) many also find it useful to learn to simulate some degree of surface conformism in order to mask their inherent unconventionality.

Personal relationships, particularly romantic ones, can be the INTJ's Achilles heel. While they are capable of caring deeply for others (usually a select few), and are willing to spend a great deal of time and effort on a relationship, the knowledge and self-confidence that make them so successful in other areas can suddenly abandon or mislead them in interpersonal situations.

This happens in part because many INTJs do not readily grasp the social rituals; for instance, they tend to have little patience and less understanding of such things as small talk and flirtation (which most types consider half the fun of a relationship). To complicate matters, INTJs are usually extremely private people, and can often be naturally impassive as well, which makes them easy to misread and misunderstand. Perhaps the most fundamental problem, however, is that INTJs really want people to make sense. :-) This sometimes results in a peculiar naivete', paralleling that of many Fs -- only instead of expecting inexhaustible affection and empathy from a romantic relationship, the INTJ will expect inexhaustible reasonability and directness.

Probably the strongest INTJ assets in the interpersonal area are their intuitive abilities and their willingness to "work at" a relationship. Although as Ts they do not always have the kind of natural empathy that many Fs do, the Intuitive function can often act as a good substitute by synthesizing the probable meanings behind such things as tone of voice, turn of phrase, and facial expression. This ability can then be honed and directed by consistent, repeated efforts to understand and support those they care about, and those relationships which ultimately do become established with an INTJ tend to be characterized by their robustness, stability, and good communications.

Functional Analysis
by Joe Butt

Introverted iNtuition
INTJs are idea people. Anything is possible; everything is negotiable. Whatever the outer circumstances, INTJs are ever perceiving inner pattern-forms and using real-world materials to operationalize them. Others may see what is and wonder why; INTJs see what might be and say "Why not?!" Paradoxes, antinomies, and other contradictory phenomena aptly express these intuitors' amusement at those whom they feel may be taking a particular view of reality too seriously. INTJs enjoy developing unique solutions to complex problems.

Extraverted Thinking
Thinking in this auxiliary role is a workhorse. Closure is the payoff for efforts expended. Evaluation begs diagnosis; product drives process. As they come to light, Thinking tends, protects, affirms and directs iNtuition's offspring, fully equipping them for fulfilling and useful lives. A faithful pedagogue, Thinking argues not so much on its own behalf, but in defense of its charges. And through this process these impressionable ideas take on the likeness of their master.

Introverted Feeling
Feeling has a modest inner room, two doors down from the Most Imminent iNtuition. It doesn't get out much, but lends its influence on behalf of causes which are Good and Worthy and Humane. We may catch a glimpse of it in the unspoken attitude of good will, or the gracious smile or nod. Some question the existence of Feeling in this type, yet its unseen balance to Thinking is a cardinal dimension in the full measure of the INTJ's soul.

Extraverted Sensing
Sensing serves with a good will, or not at all. As other inferior functions, it has only a rudimentary awareness of context, amount or degree. Thus INTJs sweat the details or, at times, omit them. "I've made up my mind, don't confuse me with the facts" could well have been said by an INTJ on a mission. Sensing's extraverted attitude is evident in this type's bent to savor sensations rather than to merely categorize them. Indiscretions of indulgence are likely an expression of the unconscious vengeance of the inferior.


Type Relationships for INTJs:
Identity
Pal
Complement
Contrast Supplement
Anima
Suitemate
Cohort Companion
Tribesman
Advisor
Pedagogue Enigma
Novelty
Neighbor
Counterpart

http://typelogic.com/intj.html

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Entry Number 21: Digging Up Old Graves

I've been kind of rattled by something that was said to me the other day.  Tonight, on the way to my Little Sister's, I replayed it, and it brought back the sting of being slapped in the face.  A memory of a time that I hadn't thought of in ages.  That is, until recently.  How funny that such a precise statement would be made within such close proximity to my pondering of these events.  But then, I always have had a thing for coincidences..

At the time of the statement, I was so taken aback that I was sure I wore it all over my face!  My Companion was polite enough to not react, but I'm sure she felt it.  I feel dishonest for not piping up and saying something instead of looking like a deer in the headlights..  It was about not being able to relate to something, and I could..  I never talk about it.  It can't be undone.  It makes me weak, and broken, and it is a part of my past I have wished would disappear.

I know the lessons we learn are what put value to the mistakes we make.  We will continue to make the same mistakes until we learn from them.  This is definitely a lesson I learned the first time around.  Rarely do I feel the familiar pull to fall back into those chains.  Yet that is a place I dare not let my mind go.

The truth of not judging others as we do not know what path they have journeyed was a firm reminder in the sting felt in my cheek along with the long ago buried shame.  Like most everyone else, I do not want to be judged by my past.  By the mistakes that taught me some of life's most valuable lessons.  For the chances I was given to over come my weaknesses and to grow into the person I am still getting to know today.

And though the road may be rough, and the lessons hard, I know that my character will always be tested when my back is against the wall, and I have no one to depend on but me.  And when those situations arise, I want to be proud of the decisions I make, and the woman I have become.

Saturday, March 9, 2013

Entry Number 20: Reprobate

The last few days have felt long.  I have been overly tired physically, and exhausted mentally.  I'm not quite sure I realized that was what I'd been feeling until today, but I'm sure now.  I've pictured me retreating to hide behind the wall I'd once built around me.  A shield not only for my heart, but my mind.  To block everyone out and keep it all bottled inside.

How funny to think I could so easily return to such behavior when I know how far I've come.  And yet I still feel like the shy little Violet I've always known myself to be...

In the quest of creating my own happiness, I must not forget to manage my stress along the way.  How much easier it would be to just sweep it under the rug as so many years have taught.  But I know that's only a bandaid on an wound that needs stitches.  I know all too well what happens when you continue to shake a bottle with the warning, "contents under pressure."

Rearranging furniture has become the bandaid to the day to day stress that is beginning to accumulate.  And yet I feel happy.  All except that little nagging in the back of my mind that reminds me there are things yet to be settled.  I am conflicted as I want to focus on the positive and not allow my worries to slow me down.

Sometimes I want so badly not to worry about what others think.  To throw caution to the wind and just let loose.  To be honest, I'm not even sure what letting loose would look like.  I just know that it would mean not worrying about pleasing everyone else.  Old habits die hard.  I guess that really is true.

I feel like this is starting to turn into a pity party which was not my intent.  It feels good to get it out, but also serves as a reminder that I have yet to deal with the cause of my stress.  Covering it up with temporary appeasements will fix nothing in the long run.

And I feel like I have brought this on myself.  After indulging, I had the nerve to ask what if it wasn't just a phase, and is it a choice?  I was ill prepared for the answer of the second question, and hadn't truly considered the question before it left my lips.  I was not necessarily shocked by the answer I received, but more so by how unprepared I was to hear it.  It definitely gave me a new perspective on how I am being viewed.  And even more, made me feel utterly alone.  It felt icy cold, like a frost passing through my soul, cutting to the quick.  Something I hope to never feel again.

It's a strange feeling of unease that I've not experienced around my Dad in a long time.  It is as unwelcome as it is frightening.  And though I doubt she would have taken it any better, it makes me miss my Mom.

I wish I could just continue to bathe in the peace I feel when I am with Her.  The loving embrace of safety that reminds me that I am not alone and lets me forget the judging eyes that stir up lost memories of shame.

I have been deep in thought this week as I have pondered a few of the greater thoughts rushing down my stream.  A night in with my mentor proved to be as thought provoking as always, along with my unease over conversations with my Dad have kept my emotions running intensely.

And as I stop here, my wish is simple; to be wrapped in the sweet embrace of slumber.  To drift off to a place of tranquility for a tired soul, and to awake revived with the joyous spark to life that I have come to relish with the dawn of a new day!

Until my words again flow freely from my mind, or as they are written in heart, goodnight.

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Entry Number 19: Being Alone

If I understand it correctly, the chemical in the brain that produces fear, is the same as that of excitement.  The only difference is the perception to the stimuli.  If that is so, than an occasion of fear is simply a missed opportunity for excitement!  Consider the possibilities for one such as myself.  A shy little Violet, who is afraid of EVERYTHING...  One thing at a time, one thing at a time ;)

One thing I have learned about being alone, from living alone, is a little more of who I am.  And I'm just me.  No one but myself to make all the decisions.  I feel free and I am at peace.  It is effortless.  And to think that for the longest time, I was terrified to be alone.  And in some ways, I suppose I still am.  No one looking over me to see if I'm doing the right thing, the right way.  No one judging.  I can relax.  Slow down, and enjoy the little things.  I had time for just me to do anything or nothing, and it felt good.

At the time it was a different story, though.  Washed over by emotion some days.  Others, satisfied with life.  Swaying back and forth as I struggled to find my center.  To stop the spinning and plant my feet.  It is still an "area of opportunity" but I found it briefly.  When I needed to.  I think I even surprised myself.

I've had my share of cries too.  Eyes that could cry no more tears, and cheeks stained.  And then to feel the sweet release as being being consumed by slumber.  Ah yes, nothing like a good cry.  We've all been there...

But I am happy.  Finally testing out my new skin.  Stretching into my true self.  And I'm just me.  The me I've always been but able to feel like it fits now.  I never feel like I am making any sense.  But it still feels so good just to get it out.

Medicated and inspired.  Curled up on the couch with my furry best friends.  Just me.  With a big goofy grin on my face, texting Brother Bear.  I cannot complain.  Life is good.  I am so thankful for the people I have in my life and I am happier than I have ever been.  I was reminded today by a Cooper that there are some incredible people in my life.  I truly am one lucky girl to have people like him and my Mentor in my life.  And even Ms. Magikal who I've only known for a short time embraced me with her aura in such a way that I left the salon intoxicated by her joy!

I am learning to instead live all of life's beautiful moments instead of worrying about missing it all.  I know that I have to let go of the past to embrace my future.  It is terrifying, but I want it so badly.   My bed of flowers has been weeded of negativity, and replaced by all the good influences in my circle.  My time is now, and I choose to be happy.

Monday, February 25, 2013

Entry Number 18: A Babbling Brook

Twice recently I have had racing thoughts described to me as water flowing down a stream.  The second time, the image was sitting on the bank watching the thoughts flow.  That it is only when we pay them any attention that we become entangled by them.


It makes me think of lying down with dogs, and getting up with flees, and we are the company we keep.  I've often wondered about that and used to see it as a trending idea, now, only an occasional twinge of pain.  Just a zing of a reminder...


Similar to a sea of emotion.  If you can stand on land, looking out at the sea, instead of being surrounded, and swallowed up by it, you have a view that is not only more clear, but also closer to being free of the bias imposed upon by the emotions.

This makes it easier to pluck but a single thought from the often racing stream.  And I am beginning to understand that it might be okay to not to analyze, examine, and dissect every fleeting drop of a thought.  

Which ties in to something else..  

I have no control over my past, all the many things that are done and over with; but I will take hold of my future.  The path my feet will walk?  Where I will end up?  Undetermined.  And that's okay for today.

I am still having a hard time processing everything and am beginning to see the physical need being displayed by my restlessness.  Rearranging my bedroom and living room has temporarily suppressed the anxiety, but I know it is just going to resurface another day.

To my surprise, and amidst the ebb and flow of my anxiety, I find myself happy.

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Note Number Three: Mind Mapping Through Music

A work in progress.  ......to be continued.


Sixpence None The Richer - Kiss Me

Staind - Its Been a While
Deftones - Passenger
Audioslave - What You Are
Tool - Sober
Incubus - Drive
Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here
Avril Lavigne - Naked
Evanescence - Hello



SIXPENCE NONE THE RICHER - KISS ME LYRICS 

Writer(s): SLOCUM, MATTHEW PRESTON 


Oh kiss me out of the bearded barley,
Nightly, beside the green, green grass
Swing, swing, swing the spinning step
You'll wear those shoes and I will wear that dress

Oh, kiss me beneath the milky twilight
Lead me out on the moonlit floor
Lift you open hand
Strike up the band, and make the fireflies dance
Silvermoon's sparkling,
So kiss me


Kiss me down by the broken tree house
Swing me , upon its hanging tire
Bring, bring , bring your flowered hat
We'll take the trail marked on your father's map

Oh, kiss me beneath the milky twilight
Lead me out on the moonlit floor
Lift you open hand
Strike up the band, and make the fireflies dance
Silvermoon's sparkling,
So kiss me


Oh, kiss me beneath the milky twilight
Lead me out on the moonlit floor
Lift you open hand
Strike up the band, and make the fireflies dance
Silvermoon's sparkling,
So kiss me


So kiss me
So kiss me



STAIND - IT'S BEEN A WHILE 
Writer(s): LEWIS, AARRON / MUSHOK, MICHAEL / WYSOCKI, JONATHAN / APRIL, JOHN 


It's been awhile
Since I could
Hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I first saw you
And it's been awhile
Since I could stand
On my own two feet again
And it's been awhile
Since I could call you
And all the things I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that are rendered
I stretch myself beyond my means


And it's been awhile
Since I could say
That I wasn't addicted
It's been awhile
Since I could say
I loved myself as well
And it's been awhile
Since I've gone and
Fucked things up
Just like I always do
And it's been awhile

But all that shit
Seems to disappear
When I'm with you


And everything I can remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
Have gone and fucked things up again


Why must I feel this way?
Just make this go away
Just one more peaceful day


It's been awhile
Since I could
Look at myself straight
And it's been awhile
Since I said, "I'm sorry"
And it's been awhile
Since I've seen the way
The candles light your face
And it's been awhile
But I can still remember
Just the way you taste


And everything I can remember
As fucked up
As it all may seem to be
I know it's me
I cannot blame this on my father
He did the best he could for me


It's been awhile
Since I could
Hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I said, "I'm sorry"


DEFTONES - PASSENGER 
Writer(s): MORENO, CHINO CAMILO / CHENG, CHI / CUNNINGHAM, ABE / CARPENTER, STEPHEN / KEENAN, MAYNARD JAMES 


Here I lay
Still and breathless
Just like always
Still, I want some more
Mirrors sideways
Who cares what's behind?
Just like always
Still your passenger

The chrome buttons buckle on leather surfaces
These and other lucky witnesses
Now to calm me
This time won't you please
Drive faster

Roll the windows down
This cool night air is curious
Let the whole world look in
Who cares who sees anything?
I'm your passenger
I'm your passenger

Drop these down
Then put them on me
Nice cool seats
There to cushion your knees
Now to calm me
Take me around again
Just don't pull over
This time would you please
Drive faster

Roll the windows down
This cool night air is curious
Let the whole world look in
Who cares who sees what tonight?
Roll these misty windows down
To catch my breath
And then go and go and go just drive me
Home and back again

Here I lay just like always
Don't let me go
Take me to the edge



AUDIOSLAVE - WHAT YOU ARE 
Writer(s): CORNELL, CHRIS/COMMERFORD, TIMOTHY/MORELLO, TOM/WILK, BRAD 

And when you wanted me
I came to you
And when you wanted someone else
I withdrew
And when you asked for a light
I set myself on fire
And if I go far away I know
You'll find another slave

[Chorus]

cause now I'm free from what you want
Now I'm free from what you need
Now I'm free from what you are

And when you wanted blood
I cut my veins
And when you wanted love
I bled myself again
Now that I've had my fill of you
I'll give you up forever
And here I go far away
I know you'll find another slave

[Chorus]

Then a vision came to me
When you came along
I gave you everything
But then you wanted more

[Chorus]

Now I'm free from what you are


TOOL - SOBER 
Writer(s): KEENAN, MAYNARD JAMES/JONES, ADAM/CAREY, DANIEL 

There's a shadow just behind me,
Shrouding every step I take,
Making every promise empty,
Pointing every finger at me.
Waiting like a stalking butler
Who upon the finger rests.
Murder now the path called "must we"
Just before the son has come.
Jesus, won't your fucking whistle
Something but the past and done? 
Why can't we not be sober?
I just want to start this over.
Why can't we drink forever.
I just want to start things over. 
I am just a worthless liar.
I am just an imbecile.
I will only complicate you.
Trust in me and fall as well.
I will find a center in you.
I will chew it up and leave,
I will work to elevate you
Just enough to bring you down. 
Trust me. 
Mother Mary won't you whisper
Something but what's past and done. 
Trust me. 
I want what I want.


INCUBUS - DRIVE LYRICS Writer(s): BOYD, BRANDON CHARLES/EINZIGER, MICHAEL AARON/KATUNICH, ALEX 
Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clearAnd I can't help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear Take the wheel and steerIt's driven me before

And it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appealBut lately I am beginning to find That I should be the one behind the wheelWhatever tomorrow brings

I'll be there with open arms and open eyesWhatever tomorrow brings

I'll be there with open arms and open eyesSo if I decide to waiver my chance 

To be one of the hiveWill I choose water over wine And hold my own and drive?It's driven me before 

And it seems to be the way that everyone else gets aroundBut lately I am beginning to find That when I drive myself my light is found

So whatever tomorrow brings

I'll be there with open arms and open eyes, yeh

Whatever tomorrow brings

I'll be there with open arms and open eyes

Would you kill the Queen to crush the hive?

Would you choose water over wine
Hold the wheel and drive?


PINK FLOYD - WISH YOU WERE HERE 

Writer(s): WATERS/NELSON/JONES 

So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
Blue sky's from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

And did they get you to trade
Your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
And how we found
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.


AVRIL LAVIGNE - NAKED 
Writer(s): BAGGE, ANDERS/ASTROM, PEER/VERGES, TROY 
I wake up in the morning
Put on my face
The one that's gonna get me
Through another day
Doesn't really matter
How I feel inside'
Cause life is like a game sometimes

But then you came around me
The walls just disappeared
Nothing to surround me
And keep me from my fears
I'm unprotectedSee how I've opened up
Oh, you've made me trust

Because I've never felt like this before
I'm naked
Around you
Does it show?
You see right through me
And I can't hide
I'm naked
Around you
And it feels so right

I'm trying to remember
Why I was afraid
To be myself and let the
Covers fall away
I guess I never had someone like you
To help me, to help me fit
In my skin


I never felt like this before
I'm naked
Around you
Does it show?
You see right through me
And I can't hide
I'm naked
Around you
And it feels so right


I'm naked
Oh oh yeah
Does it show?
Yeah, I'm naked
Oh oh, yeah yeah


I'm so naked around you
And I can't hide
You're gonna see right through, baby


EVANESCENCE - HELLO 

Writer(s): HOON, SHANNON/SMITH, BRAD/STEVENS, THOMAS ROGERS 

Playground school bell rings again
Rain clouds come to play again
Has no one told you she's not breathing?
Hello I'm your mind giving you someone to talk to
Hello

If I smile and don't believe
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream
Don't try to fix me I'm not broken
Hello I'm the lie living for you so you can hide

Don't cry
Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping
Hello I'm still here
All that's left of yesterday