Entry Number 19: Being Alone

If I understand it correctly, the chemical in the brain that produces fear, is the same as that of excitement.  The only difference is the perception to the stimuli.  If that is so, than an occasion of fear is simply a missed opportunity for excitement!  Consider the possibilities for one such as myself.  A shy little Violet, who is afraid of EVERYTHING...  One thing at a time, one thing at a time ;)

One thing I have learned about being alone, from living alone, is a little more of who I am.  And I'm just me.  No one but myself to make all the decisions.  I feel free and I am at peace.  It is effortless.  And to think that for the longest time, I was terrified to be alone.  And in some ways, I suppose I still am.  No one looking over me to see if I'm doing the right thing, the right way.  No one judging.  I can relax.  Slow down, and enjoy the little things.  I had time for just me to do anything or nothing, and it felt good.

At the time it was a different story, though.  Washed over by emotion some days.  Others, satisfied with life.  Swaying back and forth as I struggled to find my center.  To stop the spinning and plant my feet.  It is still an "area of opportunity" but I found it briefly.  When I needed to.  I think I even surprised myself.

I've had my share of cries too.  Eyes that could cry no more tears, and cheeks stained.  And then to feel the sweet release as being being consumed by slumber.  Ah yes, nothing like a good cry.  We've all been there...

But I am happy.  Finally testing out my new skin.  Stretching into my true self.  And I'm just me.  The me I've always been but able to feel like it fits now.  I never feel like I am making any sense.  But it still feels so good just to get it out.

Medicated and inspired.  Curled up on the couch with my furry best friends.  Just me.  With a big goofy grin on my face, texting Brother Bear.  I cannot complain.  Life is good.  I am so thankful for the people I have in my life and I am happier than I have ever been.  I was reminded today by a Cooper that there are some incredible people in my life.  I truly am one lucky girl to have people like him and my Mentor in my life.  And even Ms. Magikal who I've only known for a short time embraced me with her aura in such a way that I left the salon intoxicated by her joy!

I am learning to instead live all of life's beautiful moments instead of worrying about missing it all.  I know that I have to let go of the past to embrace my future.  It is terrifying, but I want it so badly.   My bed of flowers has been weeded of negativity, and replaced by all the good influences in my circle.  My time is now, and I choose to be happy.