I've been reminded several times this week that I am still struggling to make peace with my sexuality. I don't want to ignore the conflict, but sometimes it is easy to forget while being swept away in a whirlwind of joyous emotion.
I am finally creating my own happiness, and image that; I still manage to find a way to feel bad about it. My true pessimistic self can stay hidden for only so long.. It makes no more sense than any of my other irrational thoughts, and somehow I'm determined to dissect it. I think it is important to know why I am feeling bad about it so that I can completely let it go.
Its like trying to convince myself I'm okay when I know I'm not. Justification in the worst possible form.. Self mutilation of a different brand. Creating inner turmoil instead of promoting peace. Its the ever fleeting zen that I'm afraid to lose if I spend too much time "feeling bad." I hate carrying the burden of guilt imposed by a false prophet. He continues to haunt me from not only his grave, but that of my Mothers. Her will broken, her hand forced, and the lingering damage inflicted under the guise of protection rage in battle at the cost of my sanity.
Still waters may run deep, but a pebble dropped in a puddle will still send ripples to the edges. Even the smallest disturbances threaten to destroy my peace some days. But inside I'm a fighter. My stubbornness refuses to let me give up. I've worked too hard to get where I am to let anyone else take my happiness from me. I am finally (finally!) learning to love me. Feeling good about who I am, instead of being weak, broken, crazy, damned, what I am. Is it selfish to not want to give that up? Not selfish, but weak.. I cannot continue to grow until I let this go.
No one ever said growing is easy, and if they did, they lied! Its not that I'm afraid of the pain I'm sure to feel, I'm just not prepared for the mental exhaustion. The seclusion and darkness that comes with bringing light to the past. Reliving the way the emotion felt all over again. But the understanding gained will only help me to let it go and move on for good. This just isn't one of those things I can let go without processing first. Oh how I wish it was, but wishing will get me no where. Nothing in this life is free, and those that are worth the most often take the most toll or energy to not only gain, but keep.
Happiness is worth the chase. Peace is worth fighting for. Exhaustion is worth the toll. The preparation has begun. Jumping in with both feet does not mean stopping when it gets hard; it means preserving when strength is all but gone, and doing what is right, not easy. In the end, all we have is our integrity, and hopefully the story of a beautiful and full life lived. That is what I want, and that is the dream I choose.
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