I've become weary in both my body and mind. Its taken me almost a week to recover from my last migraine; the second so far this year. I realized today that my most recent stress has been brought on from once again worrying about things I cannot change. Kept bottled inside, old habits of avoidance and walls creeping back in without even noticing it. Placid on the outside, a mask of protection that feels all too familiar. Its comforting, yet detrimental to my growth, and something that I can see only as a step in the wrong direction.
It is something that I can now make a concious effort to control and must make the attempt to conquer. I think I've always felt old, but not old enough to worry as much as I do.
Today is Mom's birthday. I do not feel sad. The days of focusing my thoughts on her in attempts to force acceptance are long gone. My soul once again returning to the emotional void and comfortably numb when her face enters my thoughts.
I have become more and more aware of unhealthy behaviors that I have control over, and the ability I have to change them. Naturally, my instinct is resistance to change, and the physical manifestations are evident.. How strange that I can be so resistant to change and yet crave it like an adrenaline rush? As are many things, just another paradox to ponder. My Mentor has said, let the healing begin, and I have. What joy I find in that simple wisdom. Let the healing begin.
What a monumental day to commit to letting her go. I've been dancing around it for years, and I am ready to let the healing begin. I'm so ready to lay this burden down, and I know it will not be easy, but the time is now. We are not promised tomorrow, and I know she wouldn't want me to spend anymore time being haunted by my fears. Above all else, she loved me; unwaveringly, unconditionally. That is what I miss most about her. That is what I felt when she wrapped me in her arms. It is an unparalleled sensation that touched me to my core. One that I will never forget, and can never be reproduced. And I miss her sorely...
Those are the memories I choose to remember. My inner pessimist be damned. I choose happiness.
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