Most days, I manage my stress pretty well, but today was a bad day. Recently I have become aware, that I can no longer ignore, avoid, or deny the feelings that have begun resurfacing more and more since I was an adolescent. I feel like my head is at war with my heart, and despite my best efforts to quiet the constant chatter of my thoughts, the persistence of this knowledge will not go away. At long last, I am forced to confront what I have for so long been taught was wrong.
I have always been a people pleaser, putting the concerns of others before my own, so i fear that this will be the biggest disappointment of all. If only my mother was alive to see me now... My heart aches to even image the the shame she would feel if she knew the truth of who I am. It's nearly all I can bear to shoulder my own shame and guilt of what I know to the core of my being is unacceptable in the sight of God.
But no more can I keep this inside of me. No more can I pretend this is a phase, and will go away if I continue to ignore what I know is true. No more can I live a life filled with shame and resentment for what I feel. And so I am taking the steps to accept who I am, and love myself the way i was taught that God loves all of his children. I will take the advise of a good friend and search my soul for truth so I can live a life I can be proud of.
Today I will embark on a new chapter of my life, with the goal of learning to love myself as I am. Writing was once such a wonderful outlet for what would otherwise stay bottled inside. So here I am, going back to what I know. Back on track to manage my confusion in the only way I know how. I am hoping this blog will serve me well and help me to grow emotionally as I do everything in my power to come to grips with my shame.
Today, I choose to confront a building identity crisis, and boldly admit to myself that I have, and always have, had an attraction towards women.
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