I did something today I never would have imagined possible. I showed my Little Sister a piece of what I'm hiding. For some reason, I was surprised at her nonjudgmental approach and objectivity. And why should I be surprised? She is my sister after all, and I love her so much. I hope she understands how hard it was to open up, and that my trust will not have been misplaced. I feel like I'm on thin ice, and I need her right now.
I realized today that I do not have a strong sense of self, and that is why I hold on to things. Ironically, we had family dinner tonight and went through some of moms stuff. It's sad that her life has been reduced to our memories, pictures, and a few pieces of her creativity. It felt good to let go even in something so small. I feel good today.
I am reminded daily of how much I truly do care about Him, and how scared I am to hurt him. He is so good to me, and in some ways, knows me all too well. But my new found clarity has shown me that time marches on, and it's strange to suddenly feel, not numb. Funny how that used to be what I wanted...
I guess the Soul Searching is going well.... Intoxicated tonight, but it's a work in progress. I am starting to heal, finding outlets. Writing is a big help. A Cornflower Blue once told me, trying is attempt with failure, and Mom always said can't is a blocking block. I am taking action towards being a healthier, happier me, and hope to one day look back to see how far I've come.
This feels like a good direction. I hope I can keep up this pace continue to grow. Loving this forward momentum...
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