Today has been a bad day.... I feel like a cloud has been hanging over me. I am mentally and physically drained and just want to shut down for a while. Why are these feelings so persistent now? They have been laying dormant for years, literally, only to surface for short, sporadic periods. Keeping this secret is eating me up. I know I have to tell him, and soon, but it's going to break his heart, and so I'm torn. Why can't it just go away and leave me to make my own happiness? But I haven't been happy anyway, just positive.
I have been staying sober throughout the week in hopes that my clarity will continue to grow and help me work through this. So far all it's done is expose my raw emotion. I can no longer hide behind the haze of false comfort my inebriation creates. I'm not sleeping well, and have all but completely lost my apatite. Sleep has always been such a welcome relief for my despair. But my once dreamless sleep is now plagued by erotic dreams that only leave me more confused upon waking. So much for the fresh start of a new day...
I've always had lots of gay/lesbian/bisexual friends, and quite enjoyed their company. Lately, I have reconnected with a few that I had lost touch with. I feel more than ever like I should reach out to them for some kind of counsel or solace, but spoken out loud it would put truth to what I am feeling. I've denied it for so long I'm afraid to even voice what I feel.
Prayer used to be part of the daily grind, but now I feel ashamed to even come to God with my concerns. I truly feel lost, without a lifeline... And I miss my positive outlook, my optimism... I don't even recognize myself right now...
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