Entry Number 8: Cleaning Out My Closet

I've been cleaning out my closet this past week.  Literally and figuratively.  It's liberating, like shedding skin.  I'm coping, and thus starting to heal.  My Mentor was right.  The first step is acceptance, then the healing begins.  I'm ready to heal, but still afraid to accept.  But I've committed to jumping in with both feet.  My mind has been busy after a short lived peace.  The calm before the storm.  Like the sunspots, growing and growing.  Becoming more frequent every year.  One day, eventually, we're going to get zapped.


This last month has brought music back to my life.  I can see my life through music.  How I've changed, and grown as a person.  Through the different genres, I find myself once again sinking into an unhappy place, but I've been ignoring the signs.  It shouldn't be a surprise to me.  The Itch, the restlessness.  My ever need for change.  All my life I've been forced, or forced myself to face the things I'm afraid of.  Because only when my fears are conquered, can I feel in control.  But control is a fantasy, like perfection.  The unobtainable.


How can I have it all put together in my head, but the minute I try to articulate, the words evaporate into the air like smoke?!?  Quite frankly it's infuriating!!


I almost almost just blurted it out to Him last night.  I was so tired of holding it in, and was dreading another night of trying to avoid his advances.  Hurting him is the last thing I want to do, but I have to pick a side.  It's time to look out for myself.  I was once told that a person's best quality can very likely be their down fall.  Mom always said that the reason the wrong guys like me was because I genuinely cared about them.  I never thought of myself as one to have empathy, especially after working for the company for so long, but it's true.  I'm good a delivering bad news, and giving advise, except when it comes to me.  


I'm trying to be more open minded after growing up believing only what I was told.  I'm ready to think for myself, find my own happiness.  I think everyone deserves a chance to be happy, and the only one standing in my way is me.


I want to figure out who I am.  Not my ideal self, my actual self.  Start with truth.  I think part of my problem is shutting out all the distractions.  The outside and internal chatter.  Sleep stops the mind.  Sometimes.  So does writing, but so does my addiction.  It enables me.  Puts me back in the shackles I gladly accepted.  Burdens I want to be free off.  All things come to light, and I want to live in the light.  


We once promised to always be honest.  I told him I was a mess, and had no desire to be in another relationship.  He knew I just wanted to have some fun.  That was all it was supposed to be.  And then, something happened.  I fell for the guy.  My genuine"ness" again.  I believe my mom because so many people are lost, broken, and just want to be loved.  I believe happiness is a choice, and I will choose to focus on myself.


An Angel told me to take up a new class, learn something new.  Be crafty.  I'm the least creative person ever  ntn =:).  


I have only myself to blame for the pit of despair I have return to.  And only I can dig myself out.


Start with truth.

"The Five Levels of Truth-Telling: First, you tell the truth to yourself about yourself. Then you tell the truth to yourself about another. At the third level, you tell the truth about yourself to another. Then you tell your truth about another to that other. And finally, you tell the truth to everyone about everything." Neale Donald Walsch Conversations with God (Book 2)

Five Levels of Truth

1. I am not straight.
2. We need a break.
3. My Mentor.
4. Tell Him.
5. Tell Family.

Why Am I Afraid to Tell Him?

• I love him.
• I don't want to be alone.  He makes home, home.
• What if I'm wrong?
• It will make this real.  No more hiding.

Sometimes it still makes me feel like I need to take a shower.  Wash the filth from my mind.  Cleanse the soul.  Why am I still so torn?  I've made the decision to go down this path, see where it leads.  So why am I still holding back?  What am I waiting for?  Why do I have cold feet.  I hate my comfort zone fears.  Why can I let it go and move on with my life?  Why am I still standing in my own way?

I have again succumbed to the pull of my addiction.  Basking in the wave of surrender.  Letting go of the emotion.  Honing in on what's ailing my mind.  No longer ignoring for fear of the pain.  Funny how the things I am so afraid of, are what I run into the arms of.  Why can't I take my own advise?  What I am so afraid of?  If happiness is a choice, why do I continue to live in the cold shadow of my own self loathing?  I want to embrace the woman that I am.  I want to be bold, and proud of my independence and successes, but instead I deny my true self for the happiness of others.

Why is this so hard?  My feelings are so ADD sometimes, and I always seem to lose sight of my goal.

I guess I will continue to make the same mistake until I learn from it.  I have to tell him.  I have to start living for me.  

Psalm 121:1-2

 ¹I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.

 ²My help cometh from the LORD, which made heaven and earth.

I guess my fear too is that my help won't come from the LORD.  That he will turn his back on me.  It's so hard to shake borrowed beliefs.  The "what if" just scares me so much.  I remember being a little kid in church, and thinking about what eternity means.  I always thought it was too overwhelming, and that I would rather die and there be nothing.  No heaven, no hell.  A truly endless sleep.  That wouldn't be nearly as bad.  Too bad we can't make up our own rules to the game.  I guess I've always been a serious person.  It's a much more stressful way to live life, I'll tell you that.  I have learned to laugh at myself more in the last couple of years though, so I guess I am growing.

Gosh, music is such a big part for me.  I would never be able to write this way without it.  Not that this is great writing or anything, just that I wouldn't be able to get the words from my head to the paper.  All the outside noise really clutters my mind.  The racing thoughts, the worries and concerns about anything and everything.  No wonder I cherish sleep.  Too bad I'm not getting much these days.  I had also been battling an extreme bout of "loss of interest," but that could always be attributed to the intoxication.  

It's been so long since I've been clearheaded intentionally.  I think it scares Him, and that he knows He is losing me.  He has to know.  I just can't bare the thought of hurting him, but I am coming to realize that is a selfish reason.  My heart would ache, but not just for him.  I am being selfish trying to keep Him to myself.  He will never accept who I am when I tell him.  I honestly don't know why he hasn't already left me.  It's probably because he doesn't see his own potential.  He's a really great guy, and becoming a wonderful man.  I'm so proud of him for growing so much these past few years.  

Evanescence:  Open Door - Forgive Me
Lacuna Coil:  Falling Again

Entry Number 7: Mind Mapping

Funny how old habits die hard.  I'm not sure how I connect the two, but it's like driving.  In my sports car, I was sailing through traffic.  But in the SUV, I'm barreling down the road!  Writing's the same way.  My thoughts flow like a babbling brook.  And even though I do ramble, I can usually follow my trail back.

I noticed this week how days like these are more confusing than anything else.  How can I go from thinking non stop about my sexuality, to thinking nothing about it?  Like I never did?  It's so easy to just believe it was never there, but I know it will come back, and sooner than later.  On days I'm miserable, and at my lowest, I know in the core of my being, I'm not straight.  Days like today I feel nether either way.  Just, no desire at all, but content.  It can be bliss, but then I know I still have to face it.  Why won't I just face it already :\ so frustrating!!!  I feel like this shouldn't be a defining factor.... like race.  Color doesn't matter.  I was always taught to love the character of a person, and to take the good with the bad because God loves everyone.

It's hard to be objective without it.  It's like the pain reminds me it's there.  Even when I have good days, it's always there.  And then lately on more of a rare occasion, it completely leaves my mind.

The last two nights, I've had nightmares.  This is the whole reason I prefer not to dream.  And then I dream something different that awakens in me again a bout of confusion.  Maybe the nightmares are a good sign, and will be what I once again need to quiet my mind.  Turn off the chatter and stop the traffic again.  If if would again go dormant.

But I know in my heart that I have to face this.  I can't lie to myself if I want to live a life I can be proud of.

An Angel once shared a mind map that really got me thinking.  Yeah, that Angel.   ......So the goal is to search my soul, map my mind, and do whats best for me.  I'm working to mend a bad ending, and clear the air.  Maybe this weekend?  I'm finally living without regrets, if not slowly.  Why is it always the best friends?

..side note.  Could this be why I always made friends with the boys?  Always.  Was it to keep myself away from them because I felt something wrong?  Never thought about it that way before..  If only I won't live with what ifs.  I have to let that person go.

I have nothing to lose.  Here goes nothing.

Entry Number 6: These are a Few of My Favorite Things

Who am I and what do I want?  These are a few of my favorite things, in no particular order.  Each make me happy in a different way, but all can put a smile on my face.

1. writing
2. music
3. gardening
4. walking
5. stars
6. photography
7. coloring
8. reading
9. pets
10. family
11. sleep
12. food
13. nature
14. memories
15. clovers
16. skating
17. rain
18. shells

Entry Number 5: A Heart to Heart

I went to see my Mentor last night.  My face was burning hot before I even got out of the car.  Not because I was embarrassed, but because of what I knew I had to do.  This would be my first truly honest (not to mention spoken aloud) conversation I would have.  No more hiding, denying, or avoiding.  Somehow, I wasn't afraid.

She reminded me that my Mom would always want me to be happy, even if she didn't agree with my choices, just as my Dad does.  I believe whole heartily that if I do choose to embrace this side of my life, that my family would still welcome me home with open arms, and love me as they do now.  That is what is important, what matters to me most of all, and what scares me to tell Him..  My family doesn't have a choice will always what  take me back.  Hecan walk away and never come back.  He is who I am afraid to hurt lose.

My mentor learned from Oprah that you will continue to make the same mistake over and over until you learn from your mistakes.  I don't want to keep battling to reject my desires only for them to return over and over.  Whether I act on these feelings or not, there is a chance my relationship with Him is over.  But if I face my demons, there is a chance I can keep him.  I don't want to live with the "what ifs."


She asked me who I spoke with that gave me a good day.  I told her it was Grace.  She wasn't surprised, but I knew she wouldn't be.  I had told Grace I have been fighting with the morality of it.  She explained how things are always lost in translation, and that is no different in the Bible.  I was a bit taken aback at how quickly she could justify pacify her conscience, we had both grown up in church.  I said I was surprised how she had really made her peace.  She said, you have to :).  At that moment, the light came one.

I was always taught to love the sinner, not the sin, and that Jesus taught to love everyone.  That God loves everyone.  Mentor said, God makes people gay, he doesn't hate them.  She said God will never leave me.  I want so much to believe that.  I don't even read my Bible anymore because I'm reminded of all the things I'm not.  I never truly thought of myself as a perfectionist, but I hate to be told I'm wrong.  It runs in both sides of the gene pool....

I hope He is will still love me, and be able to look past his own insecurities to stay by my side.  It's not fair to ask, and he deserves better, but I have to stop trying to take care of everyone else, and take care of me for a while.   I'm terrified, but I want to live for me now.  I've always hated keeping secrets that shouldn't be kept.  We went into this promising to always be honest with each other.  Where did we go wrong?  Where did I go wrong?

What's done is done.  I really only have two choices.  Face this and stop living with regrets, or never truly be happy.  I choose to be happy.  Life is always easier said than done.  Now I have to choose when and how to tell Him.

I left her house, face as red and hot as when I first walked through the door.  But instead of anxious and tense, I felt light as a feather, and never so clear in my life!  All the chatter from the constant worry from everything under the sun, I was at complete and utter peace!  My mood matched the weather.  I felt like I was from Pilgrim's Progress, and had left my burden at the Lord's feet.  She was either led by the hand of God, or my own personal savior tonight.  Either way, I have never been so grateful to have her in my life.

Mentor became my blanket of safety, like I hoped she would.  Like Mom, and Him, She made my world stop spinning, and everything else stop with it.  I continued to take her advise to soul search, and do what's best for me.  The only person standing in the way of my own happiness is ME.


I took some time for me today to clean out my closet.  Literally.  I'm always afraid of change, but afterwards I remember how good it feels.  Explains why I feel trapped so often, and need to shed my skin.  I don't know how long it is going to take, but I am determined now more than ever to confess my true feelings to Him.  Mentor said, I might tell him tonight, next week, in a few months, but I would know when the time is right.  She's right.  He knows somethings coming.  Knows me well enough to know a storm is brewing.  I just hope he knows me well enough to see why I am choosing to be selfish, in this.  I love him so much.

I told him today that I appreciate his patience with me for a while now, and that I hope he can keep up the effort.  I reminded him of my warning, and welcome to the mess.  But that was four years ago, he said.  But I've never faced it, and I've got a lot of emotional things surfacing at once now.  I don't think he is ready for this, and I hope to be wrong, but I doubt he will be able to empathize with what I'm going through.

So the heart to heart went well, but I'm a long ways from the end of this, if there is an end.  Wish me luck.  I'm jumping in with both feet now.

Entry Number 4: Show Me a Sign

Okay, so I know it's only Wednesday, but I needed  wanted a break, so I find myself yet again, inhebriated, and wanting to write.  It comes easier to me this way.  


Have you ever felt like you saw or heard something exactly when you needed it?  I read a book about coincidences, which left an impression on me.  However I also know from school that sometimes we don't notice things right in front of our faces, until we start looking for them (eg; you buy a new car, and see the same model every time you go out.)


Any way, getting off track... as I approached the cusp of my intoxication, I found myself watching Him, and thinking about what I would miss without him.  I now recall thinking this morning about how when He makes me hamburgers, He always puts the cheese side down on the bread, because He knows I like it on the bottom.  Or how when I'm sick, I like to be left alone, or that I like a drink as soon as I am awake.  Or if I can't sleep, rubbing my back will soothe me.


My heart aches to think of a life without him.  Of our plans, and the family we want.  Of the lives we are trying to build.  And yet, it feels strange that for maybe the first time this week, I've thought about my predicament, and have not shed a tear, or felt the lump grow in my throat.  I am surprisingly, and pleasantly calm.


Ah to feel without feeling.  To be sober, is just not the same...  It's like an on and off switch.  Bringing painful thoughts and feelings to the forefront of my mind, and thinking about it even in the least bit objectively.  Emotion wholly kept at bay, for even the briefest moment.


It's a breath of fresh air when I am drowning in the depths of despair.  I think I am afraid that in all of this, I will be without a rock to hold onto.  A constant to plant myself on to keep the world from spinning out of control.


Mom, you were my constant.  


....I digress.. (the rambling part...)




So I was thinking about how much I care about Him, and how much I would miss him.  What it would be to start over.  The good, the bad, and the ugly (love you Dad =) ).  So anyway, I logged into FB, and saw a page a friend had "liked."  It was called, You'll never find the right person if you don't let go of the wrong one."


I prayed for probably the first time today, in earnest.  Like the book, everything is falling into place.  For the last couple of months, it seems to be one thing right after another.  


So, the question is why am I noticing the coincidences, and should I put stock in them?  Is this a sign from God or I am just seeing what I want to?  And confusion sets in...  


I heard a song yesterday, by Marie Digby, that says;


"I can't belong
To anybody else right now
Though it is not much of an excuse
I can't belong
To anybody else when I've got
So much figuring out to do...


I don't wanna be a girlfriend
I don't want to talk about my feelings... ya
I don't wanna be some girlfriend...
I don't want to have to explain what I'm thinking."




I've always felt kind of like I'm running from something.  I hate change, but at the same time, I don't want to feel trapped, or held down.  I think that's what happened with Gentz.  I thought I was going to lose my mind.  I'm feeling trapped in my job, my house, my relationship.  Maybe I just need to shed my coat mentally, so I am exercising it physically.


But I can't make excuses about how I feel.  It's the last thing on my mind when I'm going to sleep, and secretly wishing, instead of a dreamless sleep, for something more exciting.  And when I wake up, less than refreshed, It's right where I left it, just outside the realm of conciseness, waiting to seep back in.


...Side note, He just noticed me righting, and asked if "we are alright."  "WE?"  I ask.  "For now," is my response.  I could have just obliterated Him, and shook it off like it was nothing.  But the minute I sober up, I will feel the full impact of what I'd done...  


Two more days until a chat with my Mentor.  Not the best description, but still working on who she is to me.  She is safety, wrapping her arms of warmth around me.  I feel naked before her, like I can be honest, but it won't matter, because she can see right through me.  Like Mom, or Jesus lol....  


Don't worry, this is not a tribute to my mommy issues.  But I do promise lots of rambling from here on out =)


So back to the story.  Even though dinner was ruined due to the second night of BAD MEAT!!! Today has been as peaceful a day as I've had in a while.  Talking has helped.  It forces me to confront what I'm feeling.  I know it's going to continue to spill over until I tell Him.  I think my "good track" is intersecting with self sabotage on my next destination.


But where am I going.  What do I want?  I want to be happy, but don't know how to get there.  I've never had the big dream of the wedding and white picket fence, but I've always wanted a family, and someone in my life who loves me.  I've just never settled on the specifics.


So I've had lots of signs this week.  Just have to pick which one I' want to follow, if any. 

Entry Number 3: Weathering the Storm

Today has been a bad day....  I feel like a cloud has been hanging over me.  I am mentally and physically drained and just want to shut down for a while.  Why are these feelings so persistent now?  They have been laying dormant for years, literally, only to surface for short, sporadic periods.  Keeping this secret is eating me up.  I know I have to tell him, and soon, but it's going to break his heart, and so I'm torn.  Why can't it just go away and leave me to make my own happiness?  But I haven't been happy anyway, just positive.

I have been staying sober throughout the week in hopes that my clarity will continue to grow and help me work through this.  So far all it's done is expose my raw emotion.  I can no longer hide behind the haze of false comfort my inebriation creates.  I'm not sleeping well, and have all but completely lost my apatite.  Sleep has always been such a welcome relief for my despair.  But my once dreamless sleep is now plagued by erotic dreams that only leave me more confused upon waking.  So much for the fresh start of a new day...

I've always had lots of gay/lesbian/bisexual friends, and quite enjoyed their company.  Lately, I have reconnected with a few that I had lost touch with.  I feel more than ever like I should reach out to them for some kind of counsel or solace, but spoken out loud it would put truth to what I am feeling.  I've denied it for so long I'm afraid to even voice what I feel.

Prayer used to be part of the daily grind, but now I feel ashamed to even come to God with my concerns.  I truly feel lost, without a lifeline...  And I miss my positive outlook, my optimism... I don't even recognize myself right now...

Entry Number 2: A Leap of Faith

I did something today I never would have imagined possible.  I showed my Little Sister a piece of what I'm hiding.  For some reason, I was surprised at her nonjudgmental approach and objectivity.  And why should I be surprised?  She is my sister after all, and I love her so much.  I hope she understands how hard it was to open up, and that my trust will not have been misplaced.  I feel like I'm on thin ice, and I need her right now.

I realized today that I do not have a strong sense of self, and that is why I hold on to things.  Ironically, we had family dinner tonight and went through some of moms stuff.  It's sad that her life has been reduced to our memories, pictures, and a few pieces of her creativity.  It felt good to let go even in something so small.  I feel good today.

I am reminded daily of how much I truly do care about Him, and how scared I am to hurt him.  He is so good to me, and in some ways, knows me all too well.  But my new found clarity has shown me that time marches on, and it's strange to suddenly feel, not numb.  Funny how that used to be what I wanted...

I guess the Soul Searching is going well....  Intoxicated tonight, but it's a work in progress.  I am starting to heal, finding outlets.  Writing is a big help.  A Cornflower Blue once told me, trying is attempt with failure, and Mom always said can't is a blocking block.  I am taking action towards being a healthier, happier me, and hope to one day look back to see how far I've come.

This feels like a good direction.  I hope I can keep up this pace continue to grow.  Loving this forward momentum...

Entry Number 1: No More Denial

Most days, I manage my stress pretty well, but today was a bad day.  Recently I have become aware, that I can no longer ignore, avoid, or deny the feelings that have begun resurfacing more and more since I was an adolescent.  I feel like my head is at war with my heart, and despite my best efforts to quiet the constant chatter of my thoughts, the persistence of this knowledge will not go away.  At long last, I am forced to confront what I have for so long been taught was wrong.  


I have always been a people pleaser, putting the concerns of others before my own, so i fear that this will be the biggest disappointment of all.  If only my mother was alive to see me now...  My heart aches to even image the the shame she would feel if she knew the truth of who I am.  It's nearly all I can bear to shoulder my own shame and guilt of what I know to the core of my being is unacceptable in the sight of God.  


But no more can I keep this inside of me.  No more can I pretend this is a phase, and will go away if I continue to ignore what I know is true.  No more can I live a life filled with shame and resentment for what I feel.  And so I am taking the steps to accept who I am, and love myself the way i was taught that God loves all of his children.  I will take the advise of a good friend and search my soul for truth so I can live a life I can be proud of.  


Today I will embark on a new chapter of my life, with the goal of learning to love myself as I am.  Writing was once such a wonderful outlet for what would otherwise stay bottled inside.  So here I am, going back to what I know.  Back on track to manage my confusion in the only way I know how.  I am hoping this blog will serve me well and help me to grow emotionally as I do everything in my power to come to grips with my shame.  


Today, I choose to confront a building identity crisis, and boldly admit to myself that I have, and always have, had an attraction towards women.