I've been kind of rattled by something that was said to me the other day. Tonight, on the way to my Little Sister's, I replayed it, and it brought back the sting of being slapped in the face. A memory of a time that I hadn't thought of in ages. That is, until recently. How funny that such a precise statement would be made within such close proximity to my pondering of these events. But then, I always have had a thing for coincidences..
At the time of the statement, I was so taken aback that I was sure I wore it all over my face! My Companion was polite enough to not react, but I'm sure she felt it. I feel dishonest for not piping up and saying something instead of looking like a deer in the headlights.. It was about not being able to relate to something, and I could.. I never talk about it. It can't be undone. It makes me weak, and broken, and it is a part of my past I have wished would disappear.
I know the lessons we learn are what put value to the mistakes we make. We will continue to make the same mistakes until we learn from them. This is definitely a lesson I learned the first time around. Rarely do I feel the familiar pull to fall back into those chains. Yet that is a place I dare not let my mind go.
The truth of not judging others as we do not know what path they have journeyed was a firm reminder in the sting felt in my cheek along with the long ago buried shame. Like most everyone else, I do not want to be judged by my past. By the mistakes that taught me some of life's most valuable lessons. For the chances I was given to over come my weaknesses and to grow into the person I am still getting to know today.
And though the road may be rough, and the lessons hard, I know that my character will always be tested when my back is against the wall, and I have no one to depend on but me. And when those situations arise, I want to be proud of the decisions I make, and the woman I have become.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Entry Number 20: Reprobate
The last few days have felt long. I have been overly tired physically, and exhausted mentally. I'm not quite sure I realized that was what I'd been feeling until today, but I'm sure now. I've pictured me retreating to hide behind the wall I'd once built around me. A shield not only for my heart, but my mind. To block everyone out and keep it all bottled inside.
How funny to think I could so easily return to such behavior when I know how far I've come. And yet I still feel like the shy little Violet I've always known myself to be...
In the quest of creating my own happiness, I must not forget to manage my stress along the way. How much easier it would be to just sweep it under the rug as so many years have taught. But I know that's only a bandaid on an wound that needs stitches. I know all too well what happens when you continue to shake a bottle with the warning, "contents under pressure."
Rearranging furniture has become the bandaid to the day to day stress that is beginning to accumulate. And yet I feel happy. All except that little nagging in the back of my mind that reminds me there are things yet to be settled. I am conflicted as I want to focus on the positive and not allow my worries to slow me down.
Sometimes I want so badly not to worry about what others think. To throw caution to the wind and just let loose. To be honest, I'm not even sure what letting loose would look like. I just know that it would mean not worrying about pleasing everyone else. Old habits die hard. I guess that really is true.
I feel like this is starting to turn into a pity party which was not my intent. It feels good to get it out, but also serves as a reminder that I have yet to deal with the cause of my stress. Covering it up with temporary appeasements will fix nothing in the long run.
And I feel like I have brought this on myself. After indulging, I had the nerve to ask what if it wasn't just a phase, and is it a choice? I was ill prepared for the answer of the second question, and hadn't truly considered the question before it left my lips. I was not necessarily shocked by the answer I received, but more so by how unprepared I was to hear it. It definitely gave me a new perspective on how I am being viewed. And even more, made me feel utterly alone. It felt icy cold, like a frost passing through my soul, cutting to the quick. Something I hope to never feel again.
It's a strange feeling of unease that I've not experienced around my Dad in a long time. It is as unwelcome as it is frightening. And though I doubt she would have taken it any better, it makes me miss my Mom.
I wish I could just continue to bathe in the peace I feel when I am with Her. The loving embrace of safety that reminds me that I am not alone and lets me forget the judging eyes that stir up lost memories of shame.
I have been deep in thought this week as I have pondered a few of the greater thoughts rushing down my stream. A night in with my mentor proved to be as thought provoking as always, along with my unease over conversations with my Dad have kept my emotions running intensely.
And as I stop here, my wish is simple; to be wrapped in the sweet embrace of slumber. To drift off to a place of tranquility for a tired soul, and to awake revived with the joyous spark to life that I have come to relish with the dawn of a new day!
Until my words again flow freely from my mind, or as they are written in heart, goodnight.
How funny to think I could so easily return to such behavior when I know how far I've come. And yet I still feel like the shy little Violet I've always known myself to be...
In the quest of creating my own happiness, I must not forget to manage my stress along the way. How much easier it would be to just sweep it under the rug as so many years have taught. But I know that's only a bandaid on an wound that needs stitches. I know all too well what happens when you continue to shake a bottle with the warning, "contents under pressure."
Rearranging furniture has become the bandaid to the day to day stress that is beginning to accumulate. And yet I feel happy. All except that little nagging in the back of my mind that reminds me there are things yet to be settled. I am conflicted as I want to focus on the positive and not allow my worries to slow me down.
Sometimes I want so badly not to worry about what others think. To throw caution to the wind and just let loose. To be honest, I'm not even sure what letting loose would look like. I just know that it would mean not worrying about pleasing everyone else. Old habits die hard. I guess that really is true.
I feel like this is starting to turn into a pity party which was not my intent. It feels good to get it out, but also serves as a reminder that I have yet to deal with the cause of my stress. Covering it up with temporary appeasements will fix nothing in the long run.
And I feel like I have brought this on myself. After indulging, I had the nerve to ask what if it wasn't just a phase, and is it a choice? I was ill prepared for the answer of the second question, and hadn't truly considered the question before it left my lips. I was not necessarily shocked by the answer I received, but more so by how unprepared I was to hear it. It definitely gave me a new perspective on how I am being viewed. And even more, made me feel utterly alone. It felt icy cold, like a frost passing through my soul, cutting to the quick. Something I hope to never feel again.
It's a strange feeling of unease that I've not experienced around my Dad in a long time. It is as unwelcome as it is frightening. And though I doubt she would have taken it any better, it makes me miss my Mom.
I wish I could just continue to bathe in the peace I feel when I am with Her. The loving embrace of safety that reminds me that I am not alone and lets me forget the judging eyes that stir up lost memories of shame.
I have been deep in thought this week as I have pondered a few of the greater thoughts rushing down my stream. A night in with my mentor proved to be as thought provoking as always, along with my unease over conversations with my Dad have kept my emotions running intensely.
And as I stop here, my wish is simple; to be wrapped in the sweet embrace of slumber. To drift off to a place of tranquility for a tired soul, and to awake revived with the joyous spark to life that I have come to relish with the dawn of a new day!
Until my words again flow freely from my mind, or as they are written in heart, goodnight.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Entry Number 19: Being Alone
If I understand it correctly, the chemical in the brain that produces fear, is the same as that of excitement. The only difference is the perception to the stimuli. If that is so, than an occasion of fear is simply a missed opportunity for excitement! Consider the possibilities for one such as myself. A shy little Violet, who is afraid of EVERYTHING... One thing at a time, one thing at a time ;)
One thing I have learned about being alone, from living alone, is a little more of who I am. And I'm just me. No one but myself to make all the decisions. I feel free and I am at peace. It is effortless. And to think that for the longest time, I was terrified to be alone. And in some ways, I suppose I still am. No one looking over me to see if I'm doing the right thing, the right way. No one judging. I can relax. Slow down, and enjoy the little things. I had time for just me to do anything or nothing, and it felt good.
At the time it was a different story, though. Washed over by emotion some days. Others, satisfied with life. Swaying back and forth as I struggled to find my center. To stop the spinning and plant my feet. It is still an "area of opportunity" but I found it briefly. When I needed to. I think I even surprised myself.
I've had my share of cries too. Eyes that could cry no more tears, and cheeks stained. And then to feel the sweet release as being being consumed by slumber. Ah yes, nothing like a good cry. We've all been there...
But I am happy. Finally testing out my new skin. Stretching into my true self. And I'm just me. The me I've always been but able to feel like it fits now. I never feel like I am making any sense. But it still feels so good just to get it out.
Medicated and inspired. Curled up on the couch with my furry best friends. Just me. With a big goofy grin on my face, texting Brother Bear. I cannot complain. Life is good. I am so thankful for the people I have in my life and I am happier than I have ever been. I was reminded today by a Cooper that there are some incredible people in my life. I truly am one lucky girl to have people like him and my Mentor in my life. And even Ms. Magikal who I've only known for a short time embraced me with her aura in such a way that I left the salon intoxicated by her joy!
I am learning to instead live all of life's beautiful moments instead of worrying about missing it all. I know that I have to let go of the past to embrace my future. It is terrifying, but I want it so badly. My bed of flowers has been weeded of negativity, and replaced by all the good influences in my circle. My time is now, and I choose to be happy.
One thing I have learned about being alone, from living alone, is a little more of who I am. And I'm just me. No one but myself to make all the decisions. I feel free and I am at peace. It is effortless. And to think that for the longest time, I was terrified to be alone. And in some ways, I suppose I still am. No one looking over me to see if I'm doing the right thing, the right way. No one judging. I can relax. Slow down, and enjoy the little things. I had time for just me to do anything or nothing, and it felt good.
At the time it was a different story, though. Washed over by emotion some days. Others, satisfied with life. Swaying back and forth as I struggled to find my center. To stop the spinning and plant my feet. It is still an "area of opportunity" but I found it briefly. When I needed to. I think I even surprised myself.
I've had my share of cries too. Eyes that could cry no more tears, and cheeks stained. And then to feel the sweet release as being being consumed by slumber. Ah yes, nothing like a good cry. We've all been there...
But I am happy. Finally testing out my new skin. Stretching into my true self. And I'm just me. The me I've always been but able to feel like it fits now. I never feel like I am making any sense. But it still feels so good just to get it out.
Medicated and inspired. Curled up on the couch with my furry best friends. Just me. With a big goofy grin on my face, texting Brother Bear. I cannot complain. Life is good. I am so thankful for the people I have in my life and I am happier than I have ever been. I was reminded today by a Cooper that there are some incredible people in my life. I truly am one lucky girl to have people like him and my Mentor in my life. And even Ms. Magikal who I've only known for a short time embraced me with her aura in such a way that I left the salon intoxicated by her joy!
I am learning to instead live all of life's beautiful moments instead of worrying about missing it all. I know that I have to let go of the past to embrace my future. It is terrifying, but I want it so badly. My bed of flowers has been weeded of negativity, and replaced by all the good influences in my circle. My time is now, and I choose to be happy.
Monday, February 25, 2013
Entry Number 18: A Babbling Brook
Twice recently I have had racing thoughts described to me as water flowing down a stream. The second time, the image was sitting on the bank watching the thoughts flow. That it is only when we pay them any attention that we become entangled by them.
It makes me think of lying down with dogs, and getting up with flees, and we are the company we keep. I've often wondered about that and used to see it as a trending idea, now, only an occasional twinge of pain. Just a zing of a reminder...
Similar to a sea of emotion. If you can stand on land, looking out at the sea, instead of being surrounded, and swallowed up by it, you have a view that is not only more clear, but also closer to being free of the bias imposed upon by the emotions.
This makes it easier to pluck but a single thought from the often racing stream. And I am beginning to understand that it might be okay to not to analyze, examine, and dissect every fleeting drop of a thought.
Which ties in to something else..
I have no control over my past, all the many things that are done and over with; but I will take hold of my future. The path my feet will walk? Where I will end up? Undetermined. And that's okay for today.
I am still having a hard time processing everything and am beginning to see the physical need being displayed by my restlessness. Rearranging my bedroom and living room has temporarily suppressed the anxiety, but I know it is just going to resurface another day.
To my surprise, and amidst the ebb and flow of my anxiety, I find myself happy.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Note Number Three: Mind Mapping Through Music
A work in progress. ......to be continued.
Sixpence None The Richer - Kiss Me
Staind - Its Been a While
Deftones - Passenger
Audioslave - What You Are
Tool - Sober
Incubus - Drive
Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here
Avril Lavigne - Naked
Evanescence - Hello
SIXPENCE NONE THE RICHER - KISS ME LYRICS
Writer(s): SLOCUM, MATTHEW PRESTON
Oh kiss me out of the bearded barley,
Nightly, beside the green, green grass
Swing, swing, swing the spinning step
You'll wear those shoes and I will wear that dress
Oh, kiss me beneath the milky twilight
Lead me out on the moonlit floor
Lift you open hand
Strike up the band, and make the fireflies dance
Silvermoon's sparkling,
So kiss me
Kiss me down by the broken tree house
Swing me , upon its hanging tire
Bring, bring , bring your flowered hat
We'll take the trail marked on your father's map
Oh, kiss me beneath the milky twilight
Lead me out on the moonlit floor
Lift you open hand
Strike up the band, and make the fireflies dance
Silvermoon's sparkling,
So kiss me
Oh, kiss me beneath the milky twilight
Lead me out on the moonlit floor
Lift you open hand
Strike up the band, and make the fireflies dance
Silvermoon's sparkling,
So kiss me
So kiss me
So kiss me
STAIND - IT'S BEEN A WHILE
Writer(s): LEWIS, AARRON / MUSHOK, MICHAEL / WYSOCKI, JONATHAN / APRIL, JOHN
It's been awhile
Since I could
Hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I first saw you
And it's been awhile
Since I could stand
On my own two feet again
And it's been awhile
Since I could call you
And all the things I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that are rendered
I stretch myself beyond my means
And it's been awhile
Since I could say
That I wasn't addicted
It's been awhile
Since I could say
I loved myself as well
And it's been awhile
Since I've gone and
Fucked things up
Just like I always do
And it's been awhile
But all that shit
Seems to disappear
When I'm with you
And everything I can remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
Have gone and fucked things up again
Why must I feel this way?
Just make this go away
Just one more peaceful day
It's been awhile
Since I could
Look at myself straight
And it's been awhile
Since I said, "I'm sorry"
And it's been awhile
Since I've seen the way
The candles light your face
And it's been awhile
But I can still remember
Just the way you taste
And everything I can remember
As fucked up
As it all may seem to be
I know it's me
I cannot blame this on my father
He did the best he could for me
It's been awhile
Since I could
Hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I said, "I'm sorry"
DEFTONES - PASSENGER
Writer(s): MORENO, CHINO CAMILO / CHENG, CHI / CUNNINGHAM, ABE / CARPENTER, STEPHEN / KEENAN, MAYNARD JAMES
Here I lay
Still and breathless
Just like always
Still, I want some more
Mirrors sideways
Who cares what's behind?
Just like always
Still your passenger
The chrome buttons buckle on leather surfaces
These and other lucky witnesses
Now to calm me
This time won't you please
Drive faster
Roll the windows down
This cool night air is curious
Let the whole world look in
Who cares who sees anything?
I'm your passenger
I'm your passenger
Drop these down
Then put them on me
Nice cool seats
There to cushion your knees
Now to calm me
Take me around again
Just don't pull over
This time would you please
Drive faster
Roll the windows down
This cool night air is curious
Let the whole world look in
Who cares who sees what tonight?
Roll these misty windows down
To catch my breath
And then go and go and go just drive me
Home and back again
Here I lay just like always
Don't let me go
Take me to the edge
AUDIOSLAVE - WHAT YOU ARE
Writer(s): CORNELL, CHRIS/COMMERFORD, TIMOTHY/MORELLO, TOM/WILK, BRAD
cause now I'm free from what you want
Now I'm free from what you need
Now I'm free from what you are
And when you wanted blood
I cut my veins
And when you wanted love
I bled myself again
Now that I've had my fill of you
I'll give you up forever
And here I go far away
I know you'll find another slave
[Chorus]
Then a vision came to me
When you came along
I gave you everything
But then you wanted more
[Chorus]
Now I'm free from what you are
TOOL - SOBER
Writer(s): KEENAN, MAYNARD JAMES/JONES, ADAM/CAREY, DANIEL
There's a shadow just behind me,
Shrouding every step I take,
Making every promise empty,
Pointing every finger at me.
Waiting like a stalking butler
Who upon the finger rests.
Murder now the path called "must we"
Just before the son has come.
Jesus, won't your fucking whistle
Something but the past and done?
Why can't we not be sober?
I just want to start this over.
Why can't we drink forever.
I just want to start things over.
I am just a worthless liar.
I am just an imbecile.
I will only complicate you.
Trust in me and fall as well.
I will find a center in you.
I will chew it up and leave,
I will work to elevate you
Just enough to bring you down.
Trust me.
Mother Mary won't you whisper
Something but what's past and done.
Trust me.
I want what I want.
INCUBUS - DRIVE LYRICS Writer(s): BOYD, BRANDON CHARLES/EINZIGER, MICHAEL AARON/KATUNICH, ALEX
Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clearAnd I can't help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear Take the wheel and steerIt's driven me before
And it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appealBut lately I am beginning to find That I should be the one behind the wheelWhatever tomorrow brings
I'll be there with open arms and open eyesWhatever tomorrow brings
I'll be there with open arms and open eyesSo if I decide to waiver my chance
To be one of the hiveWill I choose water over wine And hold my own and drive?It's driven me before
And it seems to be the way that everyone else gets aroundBut lately I am beginning to find That when I drive myself my light is found
So whatever tomorrow brings
I'll be there with open arms and open eyes, yeh
Whatever tomorrow brings
I'll be there with open arms and open eyes
Would you kill the Queen to crush the hive?
Would you choose water over wine
Hold the wheel and drive?
PINK FLOYD - WISH YOU WERE HERE
Writer(s): WATERS/NELSON/JONES
So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
Blue sky's from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade
Your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
And how we found
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.
AVRIL LAVIGNE - NAKED
Writer(s): BAGGE, ANDERS/ASTROM, PEER/VERGES, TROY
I wake up in the morning
Put on my face
The one that's gonna get me
Through another day
Doesn't really matter
How I feel inside'
Cause life is like a game sometimes
But then you came around me
The walls just disappeared
Nothing to surround me
And keep me from my fears
I'm unprotectedSee how I've opened up
Oh, you've made me trust
Because I've never felt like this before
I'm naked
Around you
Does it show?
You see right through me
And I can't hide
I'm naked
Around you
And it feels so right
I'm trying to remember
Why I was afraid
To be myself and let the
Covers fall away
I guess I never had someone like you
To help me, to help me fit
In my skin
I never felt like this before
I'm naked
Around you
Does it show?
You see right through me
And I can't hide
I'm naked
Around you
And it feels so right
I'm naked
Oh oh yeah
Does it show?
Yeah, I'm naked
Oh oh, yeah yeah
I'm so naked around you
And I can't hide
You're gonna see right through, baby
EVANESCENCE - HELLO
Writer(s): HOON, SHANNON/SMITH, BRAD/STEVENS, THOMAS ROGERS
Playground school bell rings again
Rain clouds come to play again
Has no one told you she's not breathing?
Hello I'm your mind giving you someone to talk to
Hello
If I smile and don't believe
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream
Don't try to fix me I'm not broken
Hello I'm the lie living for you so you can hide
Don't cry
Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping
Hello I'm still here
All that's left of yesterday
Sixpence None The Richer - Kiss Me
Staind - Its Been a While
Deftones - Passenger
Audioslave - What You Are
Tool - Sober
Incubus - Drive
Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here
Avril Lavigne - Naked
Evanescence - Hello
SIXPENCE NONE THE RICHER - KISS ME LYRICS
Writer(s): SLOCUM, MATTHEW PRESTON
Oh kiss me out of the bearded barley,
Nightly, beside the green, green grass
Swing, swing, swing the spinning step
You'll wear those shoes and I will wear that dress
Oh, kiss me beneath the milky twilight
Lead me out on the moonlit floor
Lift you open hand
Strike up the band, and make the fireflies dance
Silvermoon's sparkling,
So kiss me
Kiss me down by the broken tree house
Swing me , upon its hanging tire
Bring, bring , bring your flowered hat
We'll take the trail marked on your father's map
Oh, kiss me beneath the milky twilight
Lead me out on the moonlit floor
Lift you open hand
Strike up the band, and make the fireflies dance
Silvermoon's sparkling,
So kiss me
Oh, kiss me beneath the milky twilight
Lead me out on the moonlit floor
Lift you open hand
Strike up the band, and make the fireflies dance
Silvermoon's sparkling,
So kiss me
So kiss me
So kiss me
STAIND - IT'S BEEN A WHILE
Writer(s): LEWIS, AARRON / MUSHOK, MICHAEL / WYSOCKI, JONATHAN / APRIL, JOHN
It's been awhile
Since I could
Hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I first saw you
And it's been awhile
Since I could stand
On my own two feet again
And it's been awhile
Since I could call you
And all the things I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that are rendered
I stretch myself beyond my means
And it's been awhile
Since I could say
That I wasn't addicted
It's been awhile
Since I could say
I loved myself as well
And it's been awhile
Since I've gone and
Fucked things up
Just like I always do
And it's been awhile
But all that shit
Seems to disappear
When I'm with you
And everything I can remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
Have gone and fucked things up again
Why must I feel this way?
Just make this go away
Just one more peaceful day
It's been awhile
Since I could
Look at myself straight
And it's been awhile
Since I said, "I'm sorry"
And it's been awhile
Since I've seen the way
The candles light your face
And it's been awhile
But I can still remember
Just the way you taste
And everything I can remember
As fucked up
As it all may seem to be
I know it's me
I cannot blame this on my father
He did the best he could for me
It's been awhile
Since I could
Hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I said, "I'm sorry"
DEFTONES - PASSENGER
Writer(s): MORENO, CHINO CAMILO / CHENG, CHI / CUNNINGHAM, ABE / CARPENTER, STEPHEN / KEENAN, MAYNARD JAMES
Here I lay
Still and breathless
Just like always
Still, I want some more
Mirrors sideways
Who cares what's behind?
Just like always
Still your passenger
The chrome buttons buckle on leather surfaces
These and other lucky witnesses
Now to calm me
This time won't you please
Drive faster
Roll the windows down
This cool night air is curious
Let the whole world look in
Who cares who sees anything?
I'm your passenger
I'm your passenger
Drop these down
Then put them on me
Nice cool seats
There to cushion your knees
Now to calm me
Take me around again
Just don't pull over
This time would you please
Drive faster
Roll the windows down
This cool night air is curious
Let the whole world look in
Who cares who sees what tonight?
Roll these misty windows down
To catch my breath
And then go and go and go just drive me
Home and back again
Here I lay just like always
Don't let me go
Take me to the edge
AUDIOSLAVE - WHAT YOU ARE
Writer(s): CORNELL, CHRIS/COMMERFORD, TIMOTHY/MORELLO, TOM/WILK, BRAD
And when you wanted me
I came to you
And when you wanted someone else
I withdrew
And when you asked for a light
I set myself on fire
And if I go far away I know
You'll find another slave
[Chorus]
I came to you
And when you wanted someone else
I withdrew
And when you asked for a light
I set myself on fire
And if I go far away I know
You'll find another slave
[Chorus]
cause now I'm free from what you want
Now I'm free from what you need
Now I'm free from what you are
And when you wanted blood
I cut my veins
And when you wanted love
I bled myself again
Now that I've had my fill of you
I'll give you up forever
And here I go far away
I know you'll find another slave
[Chorus]
Then a vision came to me
When you came along
I gave you everything
But then you wanted more
[Chorus]
Now I'm free from what you are
TOOL - SOBER
Writer(s): KEENAN, MAYNARD JAMES/JONES, ADAM/CAREY, DANIEL
There's a shadow just behind me,
Shrouding every step I take,
Making every promise empty,
Pointing every finger at me.
Waiting like a stalking butler
Who upon the finger rests.
Murder now the path called "must we"
Just before the son has come.
Jesus, won't your fucking whistle
Something but the past and done?
Why can't we not be sober?
I just want to start this over.
Why can't we drink forever.
I just want to start things over.
I am just a worthless liar.
I am just an imbecile.
I will only complicate you.
Trust in me and fall as well.
I will find a center in you.
I will chew it up and leave,
I will work to elevate you
Just enough to bring you down.
Trust me.
Mother Mary won't you whisper
Something but what's past and done.
Trust me.
I want what I want.
INCUBUS - DRIVE LYRICS Writer(s): BOYD, BRANDON CHARLES/EINZIGER, MICHAEL AARON/KATUNICH, ALEX
Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clearAnd I can't help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear Take the wheel and steerIt's driven me before
And it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appealBut lately I am beginning to find That I should be the one behind the wheelWhatever tomorrow brings
I'll be there with open arms and open eyesWhatever tomorrow brings
I'll be there with open arms and open eyesSo if I decide to waiver my chance
To be one of the hiveWill I choose water over wine And hold my own and drive?It's driven me before
And it seems to be the way that everyone else gets aroundBut lately I am beginning to find That when I drive myself my light is found
So whatever tomorrow brings
I'll be there with open arms and open eyes, yeh
Whatever tomorrow brings
I'll be there with open arms and open eyes
Would you kill the Queen to crush the hive?
Would you choose water over wine
Hold the wheel and drive?
PINK FLOYD - WISH YOU WERE HERE
Writer(s): WATERS/NELSON/JONES
Blue sky's from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade
Your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
And how we found
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.
AVRIL LAVIGNE - NAKED
Writer(s): BAGGE, ANDERS/ASTROM, PEER/VERGES, TROY
I wake up in the morning
Put on my face
The one that's gonna get me
Through another day
Doesn't really matter
How I feel inside'
Cause life is like a game sometimes
But then you came around me
The walls just disappeared
Nothing to surround me
And keep me from my fears
I'm unprotectedSee how I've opened up
Oh, you've made me trust
Because I've never felt like this before
I'm naked
Around you
Does it show?
You see right through me
And I can't hide
I'm naked
Around you
And it feels so right
I'm trying to remember
Why I was afraid
To be myself and let the
Covers fall away
I guess I never had someone like you
To help me, to help me fit
In my skin
I never felt like this before
I'm naked
Around you
Does it show?
You see right through me
And I can't hide
I'm naked
Around you
And it feels so right
I'm naked
Oh oh yeah
Does it show?
Yeah, I'm naked
Oh oh, yeah yeah
I'm so naked around you
And I can't hide
You're gonna see right through, baby
EVANESCENCE - HELLO
Writer(s): HOON, SHANNON/SMITH, BRAD/STEVENS, THOMAS ROGERS
Playground school bell rings again
Rain clouds come to play again
Has no one told you she's not breathing?
Hello I'm your mind giving you someone to talk to
Hello
If I smile and don't believe
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream
Don't try to fix me I'm not broken
Hello I'm the lie living for you so you can hide
Don't cry
Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping
Hello I'm still here
All that's left of yesterday
Friday, February 15, 2013
Entry Number 17: Emptiness
I was thinking this morning about how there is just so much emptiness in the lives of people in our everyday life. Its hard to not be sad when I realized how everyone I know just about seems like they are just missing something in their lives. I've even felt like that for a long time and have just recently been made aware of it and chose to do something about it.
I not only believe that hapiness is a choice but am living proof of that. If a shy little Violet can accomplish what I have, late bloomer or not, anyone can. One day I realized that it was up to me to make a decision of what I wanted out of life and how much longer I wanted to continue living in turmoil.
My answer? No more. We are not promised tomorrow. Wit her her final breath, mom taught me yet another lesson. So no more would I make excuses for my unhappiness. No more would I wait for tomorrow to better myself and take hold of my life. It has been slow, and it has been scary, but when I began to notice all the good that was coming my way by simply changing my attitude, how could I do anything but sieze the day?
I have never looked back. I do not regret my past, for it has made me the person I am today, but even moreso, it motivates me to chase after what makes me happy. I read that life is not about finding yourself, it is about creating yourself :)
One of my many goals, but possibly one of the most important, is to live a life I can be proud of. And even though I'm not completely sure what all that means yet, I feel good. Sometimes I do still feel lost, but I feel like I am going in the right direction.
I am learning to be my own rock, but sometimes it just feels so comforting to have someone to lean on. Hugs go a long way. Words can not do justice to describe what a hug can do. I am thankful for the people I have in my life. For the ones who have seen me at my worst, and loved me when I needed it the most. For not letting me give up, and reminding me that I am not alone. I will probably never be able to express my gratitude for what they may not even know they've done for me. To be truthful, I don't know if I could ever articulate the good they have brought to my life if I spent the rest of my life trying to.
My hope is to be there for others the way they have been for me. The emptiness may never completely vacate my soul, but I will never stop chasing my happiness, and neither should they.
Mood: Blessed
Listening to: Audioslave - Live
I not only believe that hapiness is a choice but am living proof of that. If a shy little Violet can accomplish what I have, late bloomer or not, anyone can. One day I realized that it was up to me to make a decision of what I wanted out of life and how much longer I wanted to continue living in turmoil.
My answer? No more. We are not promised tomorrow. Wit her her final breath, mom taught me yet another lesson. So no more would I make excuses for my unhappiness. No more would I wait for tomorrow to better myself and take hold of my life. It has been slow, and it has been scary, but when I began to notice all the good that was coming my way by simply changing my attitude, how could I do anything but sieze the day?
I have never looked back. I do not regret my past, for it has made me the person I am today, but even moreso, it motivates me to chase after what makes me happy. I read that life is not about finding yourself, it is about creating yourself :)
One of my many goals, but possibly one of the most important, is to live a life I can be proud of. And even though I'm not completely sure what all that means yet, I feel good. Sometimes I do still feel lost, but I feel like I am going in the right direction.
I am learning to be my own rock, but sometimes it just feels so comforting to have someone to lean on. Hugs go a long way. Words can not do justice to describe what a hug can do. I am thankful for the people I have in my life. For the ones who have seen me at my worst, and loved me when I needed it the most. For not letting me give up, and reminding me that I am not alone. I will probably never be able to express my gratitude for what they may not even know they've done for me. To be truthful, I don't know if I could ever articulate the good they have brought to my life if I spent the rest of my life trying to.
My hope is to be there for others the way they have been for me. The emptiness may never completely vacate my soul, but I will never stop chasing my happiness, and neither should they.
Mood: Blessed
Listening to: Audioslave - Live
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Entry Number 16: Coming Out
The first few weeks of the new year have flown by without giving me the chance to process or over analyze even a fraction of what has happened. And so I have been able to only focus on the most persistent aspects. How I feel. And I feel happy. Completely elated. And even though the weeks and days and hours continue to zip past me at a dizzying rate, I am overcome with joy, and peace, utter liberation from my self inflicted bondage. I feel as though nothing can hold me back now. Like there is no end to the possibilities that lie ahead of me. I've known for a long time that I am the only one standing in the way of my happiness, but now I know how true that really is.
Two weeks ago today, I decided to come out to my dad. I knew it was time because I had almost blurted it out to him on several occasions. Not to mention, all of my siblings except for my youngest brother knew, and I didn't want him to find out from anyone else.
My stomach was in knots as I drove to his apartment. To prevent my panic from rising further, I switched on the radio. As I began to steel my nerves and clear my mind of doubt, She texted me. "Take a deep breath!" she said. "You're working your own self up." How right she was. Her words of encouragement refocused my thoughts. She reminded me that after tonight, I would never have to lie to him again. In that moment, I was overcome with peace because I knew she was speaking the truth.
And as scared as I was, I knew I was doing the right thing. Somehow, by telling him, I knew that it would blast the door off of my closet once and for all, solidifying my decision to come out. And I realized that I was anxious not because of his response, but because telling him would mean no going back. No more hiding. It would leave no more excuses to keep me from chasing my happiness. And I realized that I had no reason to be afraid because I was already doing what I never thought I could.
At that point, I stopped replaying how I would tell him. What I would say. What his reaction would be. How I would hide my pain if he took it badly. And I lost myself to the road; to the radio. To the peace that I had been grasping for. And as I parked and began the short walk to his door, I was calm, and happy, and knew that I was going to be okay.
We ate a modest supper of leftover which was more than enough to satisfy us both. That's always been something I've loved about my dad. It's not about what we do, or what eat. Its about spending time with each other. Loving and taking care of each other. And no matter where he lives, or what he has going on, or even how often I see him, he feels like home. Just the sight of him puts me at ease. The mere sound of his voice reminds me that I'm still his little girl no matter how grown up I think I am.
I wanted to tell him the minute I walked in the door, but didn't want to ruin his appetite if things went south. After dinner my sister called, shaking my nerves again. So I waited until after we watched a movie but could hardly keep it in a minute longer. As soon as it ended, I took a deep breath and told him.
I said, "Daddy, we don't have to talk about it, but there is something I have to tell you. I love you, and I'm gay." As soon as the words left my lips, my pounding hard began to once again fill with peace. He responded with disbelief as I expected. After the initial shock wore off, he began quoting scripture as I also expected. I listened patiently as I could tell he was trying to understand what I had told him and formulate an opinion. As he gathered his thoughts, he closed by saying he wasn't going to say he was concerned for my soul, but that this was something I had to reconcile with God. I told him honestly that I was still coming to terms with that. And to be completely frank, I don't know that I ever will be able to, but its something I hope I will be able to make peace with one day.
He finished by telling me that he loves me. Deep down I've always known that he just wants me to be happy. As much as I miss my mom, I am so grateful to still have my dad. I love him so much and am so lucky to have him in my corner. We are alike in so many ways that keeping this from him felt like the worst kind of lie to tell. Like my dad, I can't go to bed angry or if I've been dishonest, or if I've hurt someone. When we were little, our parents always told us that we shouldn't let the sun go down without setting a wrong right. When I left to go home, my heart was full of joy. I think I even skipped to the car without even trying to conceal my goofy grin because I knew that everything was going to be okay. That I was going to be okay. That the hardest part of coming out was over before I'd enough time to even think about it.
I know life will not always be easy. There will always be people who don't accept me as I am, and my road ahead will more likely than not hold my share of heartache, rejection, and opportunities to pick myself up when I fall down as we all do, but I truly feel like I am going to be okay. And I don't say that lightly in the least as that is not something I have felt in a long time. I've always been afraid of the unknown. Of all the scary parts of life that I've felt so unprepared for. And I know I still have a lot of growing to do, but I'm finally starting to feel like that's okay. Like I can slow down and enjoy all the good that I have in my life now instead of racing towards some unobtainable happy life that I can't even picture. I may not have all the answers, but I'm beginning to be okay with that and learning to take one thing at a time.
I've grown so much in just the last six months I can hardly believe it. And I dare say, identity crisis averted :) My hope is to continue to grow and conquer my fears, and I know I am headed in the right direction.
Five Levels of Truth
Two weeks ago today, I decided to come out to my dad. I knew it was time because I had almost blurted it out to him on several occasions. Not to mention, all of my siblings except for my youngest brother knew, and I didn't want him to find out from anyone else.
My stomach was in knots as I drove to his apartment. To prevent my panic from rising further, I switched on the radio. As I began to steel my nerves and clear my mind of doubt, She texted me. "Take a deep breath!" she said. "You're working your own self up." How right she was. Her words of encouragement refocused my thoughts. She reminded me that after tonight, I would never have to lie to him again. In that moment, I was overcome with peace because I knew she was speaking the truth.
And as scared as I was, I knew I was doing the right thing. Somehow, by telling him, I knew that it would blast the door off of my closet once and for all, solidifying my decision to come out. And I realized that I was anxious not because of his response, but because telling him would mean no going back. No more hiding. It would leave no more excuses to keep me from chasing my happiness. And I realized that I had no reason to be afraid because I was already doing what I never thought I could.
At that point, I stopped replaying how I would tell him. What I would say. What his reaction would be. How I would hide my pain if he took it badly. And I lost myself to the road; to the radio. To the peace that I had been grasping for. And as I parked and began the short walk to his door, I was calm, and happy, and knew that I was going to be okay.
We ate a modest supper of leftover which was more than enough to satisfy us both. That's always been something I've loved about my dad. It's not about what we do, or what eat. Its about spending time with each other. Loving and taking care of each other. And no matter where he lives, or what he has going on, or even how often I see him, he feels like home. Just the sight of him puts me at ease. The mere sound of his voice reminds me that I'm still his little girl no matter how grown up I think I am.
I wanted to tell him the minute I walked in the door, but didn't want to ruin his appetite if things went south. After dinner my sister called, shaking my nerves again. So I waited until after we watched a movie but could hardly keep it in a minute longer. As soon as it ended, I took a deep breath and told him.
I said, "Daddy, we don't have to talk about it, but there is something I have to tell you. I love you, and I'm gay." As soon as the words left my lips, my pounding hard began to once again fill with peace. He responded with disbelief as I expected. After the initial shock wore off, he began quoting scripture as I also expected. I listened patiently as I could tell he was trying to understand what I had told him and formulate an opinion. As he gathered his thoughts, he closed by saying he wasn't going to say he was concerned for my soul, but that this was something I had to reconcile with God. I told him honestly that I was still coming to terms with that. And to be completely frank, I don't know that I ever will be able to, but its something I hope I will be able to make peace with one day.
He finished by telling me that he loves me. Deep down I've always known that he just wants me to be happy. As much as I miss my mom, I am so grateful to still have my dad. I love him so much and am so lucky to have him in my corner. We are alike in so many ways that keeping this from him felt like the worst kind of lie to tell. Like my dad, I can't go to bed angry or if I've been dishonest, or if I've hurt someone. When we were little, our parents always told us that we shouldn't let the sun go down without setting a wrong right. When I left to go home, my heart was full of joy. I think I even skipped to the car without even trying to conceal my goofy grin because I knew that everything was going to be okay. That I was going to be okay. That the hardest part of coming out was over before I'd enough time to even think about it.
I know life will not always be easy. There will always be people who don't accept me as I am, and my road ahead will more likely than not hold my share of heartache, rejection, and opportunities to pick myself up when I fall down as we all do, but I truly feel like I am going to be okay. And I don't say that lightly in the least as that is not something I have felt in a long time. I've always been afraid of the unknown. Of all the scary parts of life that I've felt so unprepared for. And I know I still have a lot of growing to do, but I'm finally starting to feel like that's okay. Like I can slow down and enjoy all the good that I have in my life now instead of racing towards some unobtainable happy life that I can't even picture. I may not have all the answers, but I'm beginning to be okay with that and learning to take one thing at a time.
I've grown so much in just the last six months I can hardly believe it. And I dare say, identity crisis averted :) My hope is to continue to grow and conquer my fears, and I know I am headed in the right direction.
Five Levels of Truth
I am not straight.We need a break.My Mentor.Tell Him.Tell Family.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Entry Number 15: Hope
The last few days have been nothing short of liberating. I'm not sure where to begin other than to say I met someone incredible. Someone beautiful, brilliant. She is confident, and knows exactly who she is. This girl is definitely not me, and I cannot keep her.
She has shown me a side of myself that I never thought I would be brave enough to ever see. She is captivating and elicits from me what no one else ever could. For the first time in my life, I feel like I might be okay after all. She has filled me with a joy that I didn't think I could feel again; awaken in me a piece of of myself that I thought was forever lost. I feel hope in place of the fear and shame that has crippled me for so long.
I have never met anyone like her. In some ways, we are so alike I feel like she can see right through me. My eyes have become windows to my soul when she holds my gaze, and I become an open book to things that only she has been able to understand. It makes me happy and sad all at the same time to know that I am no longer alone in this. I feel like for the first time, its okay that words are not enough. The connection I feel transcends anything I could ever verbalize and I don't want to miss a single moment of if.
My new daily struggle is to avoid becoming attached. I love people for who they are, and where they are in life's journey, and I have never felt as strongly as I do that our paths crossed at a pivotal point in my walk. An though I know she will never be mine, I am grateful for every passing moment I am able to call her my friend.
She may never know the good she has done for me; never know the hope she has restored to a broken being, but she has touched my life in a way that I will never be able to repay.
***********
My emotions have been in full swing this week. Exiting the throws of passion and racing towards the anniversary of my mothers death, I am again reminded that I am still not whole. I am still a colossal mess despite all the growing I have done this year.
And I know that until I truly lay her to rest, I will continue to struggle with the demons of my past. I feel old in my burdens and the weight of my borrowed beliefs continue to slow me down as I chase after my happiness.
Like God, I can see my happiness just out of reach, and I am the only one standing in my way. I am hampered by my insecurities and as much as I don't want to admit it. I am in bondage to my own weaknesses, and instead of laying them down, I am too proud to ask for help. I am no longer ashamed of my attractions, but I am unable to let go of the fear guilt that grips my soul.
For the first time in my life, I told another individual (OUT LOUD), that I am gay. It felt like a great weight lifting from my heart and evaporating into thin air. This is huge for me, and yet I still have a long way to go.
No longer in a desolate place, I still wander. Not quite as lost and confused as I have been, but still searching for that glimmer of light to follow.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Entry Number 14: A Golden Opportunity
Words do not come easy today, and yet I find myself wanting to write. Needing to let go of the emotion bottled inside. My stomach has been in knots for two days now, my breath coming in short, quick pulls. The rising panic is once again rising in me, and I'm doing all that I can to keep it from tearing me apart. Today is eleven days sober, and six days ago, I told Him it was over.
My plan was to get sober, and tell him by the end of the summer, but an opportunity presented itself, and I knew I had act. Telling Him was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done, but to continue living a lie has been slowing eating me alive. He left Friday night, only to come home, where he belongs, on Saturday. Three nights on the couch was all I could bear before welcoming him back to our bed. It proved to be what I already knew. A step in the wrong direction. Yet another selfish act to hold on to the safety I feel when he is near.
Two more sweat nights of sleep before it was all over, and I fear, gone for good. I awoke to find I was sleeping alone. Feeling cold, and empty all over again. He told me He was leaving, and was sorry I had been feeling smothered. The violation of my trust was written on His face and spoken from His lips as he confessed to reading my text messages, and telling my secret.
I am always so vulnerable when I first wake up, and couldn't withhold the tears. I knew He was right. That it was time for him to leave. Finally, I would have the space I have so craved. But I'm not happy. I feel empty, and broken. The knowledge of his absence intensified the growing knot in my stomach; stole my appetite, my joy, and my will to face the day.
At yet, somehow, I was able to steal my nerves; stop the tears; leave my emotions at the door to start another day of work. Smooth the pain from my face, and put on a smile to get me through another day. Only KP had any sense of what I was truly feeling. Something in my eyes, or the unsteady timber of my voice. But I didn't want even her to see my weakness, and so I pushed it down; kept it bottled inside.
Today I have not cried. Despite the lump in my throat, and the often tears brimming in my eyes, I have been able to hold it back thus far. My solace comes in knowing an end is in sight. Sleep is only a few precious moments away.
Things always seem brighter in the morning. Like everything is new, and fresh, and beautiful. A new chance to conquer my fears; a new beginning to forget past mistakes and start again.
Tomorrow I will go speak with my brother. He now knows my secret, and I am eager to confide in him the way I have always wanted to. I am eternally grateful for a second chance with him. I will no longer mourn the days that have been lost under the lies of the past.
So here's to a new chapter in my life. Learning to live alone, and truly focus on me for a change. And even though I am terrified of the road that lies ahead, I can smile knowing that I have people in my life that know of my shame, and are helping me to find my way.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Entry Number 13: Acts of Desperation
Today I realized something new. I think I may be using my relationships, current or past, as an excuse to not face a different demon. If I'm single, I have no excuse to face what I am feeling, and find out the truth once and for all. It's become a crutch. A blocking block keeping my goal out of reach.
How long will I continue to run and live in fear of what could be? No matter how much I think I've grown, I'm still that scared little girl trying to find out who she is. Afraid of what others might say, afraid to find out what will happen if I'm wrong.
It's always been clear to me that I've been attracted to the individual, not a particular sex. But I find myself again and again making the easier choice. Settling for contentment rather than just putting myself out there.
The last couple of weeks have proven to me that I am in a pivotal time in my relationship with Him. I've made some decisions I'm not proud of, and see them as desperate acts to escape the prison I've built around me. Another avoidance tactic to skirt the real issue at hand. I'm truly ashamed of my behavior, and now worry I've about a door that's been opened that I can never shut. A friendship forever altered by clouded judgement and selfishness.
I feel like I'm just sitting back waiting for things to come crumbling down around me. It's only a matter of time before I ruin everything if I continue on this self destructive path. I can't take my own advise, much less the advise of someone who's already gone through what I'm feeling. I'm so hard headed I'm not sure how anyone can stand to be around me most days.
Sobriety is still a daily struggle. As much as I think I want it, I've yet to employ any real will power. The truth is it lets me hide from my true feelings. I must not be doing a very good job at hiding it though, because KP has noticed something is up. It's easy enough to make excuses to her, but my stress has more than spilled over in other facets. Despite a bipolar conscience I have managed to contain my current situation without completly going crazy.
It's just a matter of time before I lose it, though. I feel it creeping up on me like the calm before a storm. My emotional pendulum has been on overdrive and quite frankly I'm surprised I have lasted this long without a breakdown. The extremes are coming closer together, and the chance of recovery at each end is quickly diminishing. It's a racing heart beat and an increased feeling of fight or flight. Panic welling up in my chest and threatening to escape my lips in a choked scream. It's desperation on the edge of the mask I've created to protect what I can never say.
The lack of a breakdown has to be due to my friend binge, but that's going to cost me in a whole new way. My mind has been everywhere except where it should be, and I'm not prepared for the consequences of my actions. For not wanting to hurt anyone, my selfishness has probably done unrepairable damage to two of my most cherished relationships.
The weight of my impending despair looms on the edge of the storm; threatening to wash me under a wave of emotion. The haze provided by my drug of choice is only a thin sheet of protection against what I know will soon become utter sorrow for all those sucked into the growing mess that is my life.
How long will I continue to run and live in fear of what could be? No matter how much I think I've grown, I'm still that scared little girl trying to find out who she is. Afraid of what others might say, afraid to find out what will happen if I'm wrong.
It's always been clear to me that I've been attracted to the individual, not a particular sex. But I find myself again and again making the easier choice. Settling for contentment rather than just putting myself out there.
The last couple of weeks have proven to me that I am in a pivotal time in my relationship with Him. I've made some decisions I'm not proud of, and see them as desperate acts to escape the prison I've built around me. Another avoidance tactic to skirt the real issue at hand. I'm truly ashamed of my behavior, and now worry I've about a door that's been opened that I can never shut. A friendship forever altered by clouded judgement and selfishness.
I feel like I'm just sitting back waiting for things to come crumbling down around me. It's only a matter of time before I ruin everything if I continue on this self destructive path. I can't take my own advise, much less the advise of someone who's already gone through what I'm feeling. I'm so hard headed I'm not sure how anyone can stand to be around me most days.
Sobriety is still a daily struggle. As much as I think I want it, I've yet to employ any real will power. The truth is it lets me hide from my true feelings. I must not be doing a very good job at hiding it though, because KP has noticed something is up. It's easy enough to make excuses to her, but my stress has more than spilled over in other facets. Despite a bipolar conscience I have managed to contain my current situation without completly going crazy.
It's just a matter of time before I lose it, though. I feel it creeping up on me like the calm before a storm. My emotional pendulum has been on overdrive and quite frankly I'm surprised I have lasted this long without a breakdown. The extremes are coming closer together, and the chance of recovery at each end is quickly diminishing. It's a racing heart beat and an increased feeling of fight or flight. Panic welling up in my chest and threatening to escape my lips in a choked scream. It's desperation on the edge of the mask I've created to protect what I can never say.
The lack of a breakdown has to be due to my friend binge, but that's going to cost me in a whole new way. My mind has been everywhere except where it should be, and I'm not prepared for the consequences of my actions. For not wanting to hurt anyone, my selfishness has probably done unrepairable damage to two of my most cherished relationships.
The weight of my impending despair looms on the edge of the storm; threatening to wash me under a wave of emotion. The haze provided by my drug of choice is only a thin sheet of protection against what I know will soon become utter sorrow for all those sucked into the growing mess that is my life.
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