Entry Number 13: Acts of Desperation

Today I realized something new.  I think I may be using my relationships, current or past, as an excuse to not face a different demon.  If I'm single, I have no excuse to face what I am feeling, and find out the truth once and for all.  It's become a crutch.  A blocking block keeping my goal out of reach.

How long will I continue to run and live in fear of what could be?  No matter how much I think I've grown, I'm still that scared little girl trying to find out who she is.  Afraid of what others might say, afraid to find out what will happen if I'm wrong.

It's always been clear to me that I've been attracted to the individual, not a particular sex.  But I find myself again and again making the easier choice.  Settling for contentment rather than just putting myself out there.

The last couple of weeks have proven to me that I am in a pivotal time in my relationship with Him.  I've made some decisions I'm not proud of, and see them as desperate acts to escape the prison I've built around me.  Another avoidance tactic to skirt the real issue at hand.  I'm truly ashamed of my behavior, and now worry I've about a door that's been opened that I can never shut.  A friendship forever altered by clouded judgement and selfishness.

I feel like I'm just sitting back waiting for things to come crumbling down around me.  It's only a matter of time before I ruin everything if I continue on this self destructive path.  I can't take my own advise, much less the advise of someone who's already gone through what I'm feeling.  I'm so hard headed I'm not sure how anyone can stand to be around me most days.

Sobriety is still a daily struggle.  As much as I think I want it, I've yet to employ any real will power.  The truth is it lets me hide from my true feelings.  I must not be doing a very good job at hiding it though, because KP has noticed something is up.  It's easy enough to make excuses to her, but my stress has more than spilled over in other facets.  Despite a bipolar conscience I have managed to contain my current situation without completly going crazy.

It's just a matter of time before I lose it, though.  I feel it creeping up on me like the calm before a storm.  My emotional pendulum has been on overdrive and quite frankly I'm surprised I have lasted this long without a breakdown.  The extremes are coming closer together, and the chance of recovery at each end is quickly diminishing.  It's a racing heart beat and an increased feeling of fight or flight.  Panic welling up in my chest and threatening to escape my lips in a choked scream.  It's desperation on the edge of the mask I've created to protect what I can never say.

The lack of a breakdown has to be due to my friend binge, but that's going to cost me in a whole new way.  My mind has been everywhere except where it should be, and I'm not prepared for the consequences of my actions.  For not wanting to hurt anyone, my selfishness has probably done unrepairable damage to two of my most cherished relationships.

The weight of my impending despair looms on the edge of the storm; threatening to wash me under a wave of emotion.  The haze provided by my drug of choice is only a thin sheet of protection against what I know will soon become utter sorrow for all those sucked into the growing mess that is my life.

Entry Number 12: A Friend Binge

I'm not sure where to start.  I haven't been sober much lately, but hadn't really noticed until My Friend pointed it out.  He said he thought I was staying sober, but the truth is, there are less sober days than not.  I didn't have a good answer for him at the time, which got me thinking about why it's so hard to quit.  Here is my response to him.

"I feel like I'm in uncharted territory.  I've been kind of lost for a while now, and still very much working through some things.  Being sober forces me to face my demons head on.  It's exhausting and whether I knew it or not, I now know I've been looking for a way out.  I've always been better at avoiding problems than dealing with them.  I feel weak, and damaged, and hopeless when I'm clean.  Turned back into my inner pessimist instead of the optimist I play when I'm inebriated."

"Because I'm weak, I look for an easy way out.  I crave the attention of others, am fiercely loyal to those I love, but I'm terrified of commitment and run from confrontation.  I told Him a long time ago that I'm a mess.  I guess not much has changed."

"There are a few people in my life that force me to take an honest look at things and see more clearly.  I'm grateful to have people with my best interest at heart just a phone call away.  Thanks for being one of them, Friend."

"I don't like to talk about my feelings, but I always feel better to get it out.  My clarity usually comes in waves, and I do more writing sober.  The down side is that thinking on it depresses me."

I thought I was doing so well for a bit.  I'm not sure what happened.

A few weeks ago, He asked me to go off the pill so we could start a family.  The more of a commitment he wants, the more I want to run.  I finally told him that this week.  We've both agreed to put our best foot forward and fight for what we want.  I'm just afraid that I'm falling back into more detrimental old habits.  Habits that are potentially more dangerous than my lack of sobriety.  I think that is why I will never marry.  The final act of committing to settle.  I can't.

How did I find myself here?  Focus on the solution, not the problem.  I wish I was a bird, and could soar above all my sadness.  Fly above the fog and I chain myself to.

I feel ashamed of the way I am behaving, and yet feel powerless to change it.  I see no happiness if I break free of current situation and strike out on my own.  Or am I only afraid of what I will find?

That leap of faith has been calling my name for so long.

My Friend, said I'd given him a good hug, and I told him it was because I closed my eyes.  That it was like the trust exercise, and if you do it right, you can lose yourself in it.  Thats exactly what I need, and what I need to do.

Note Number Two: No Wind in Space

It seems so long ago that I rose above the clouds, filled my lungs with a breath of fresh air.  Left vulnerable, and and touched by raw emotion.  It was so clear, and I felt truly alive.  I've put myself in shackles before, and here I've found myself again.  Differently, yes, but the same.  

I will continue to make the same mistakes until I learn from them. It's like a cool breeze on an autumn day, being washed over.  I just don't feel that spark in life that I know is supposed to be there with out being self destructive.

I'm ashamed of myself for falling back into old habits, but I don't feel so hopeless this way.  I need to just suck it up and stop being selfish.  Or start being selfish...  I'm still dancing around this one.  

....I just. can't. focus...  Not like this.  Self sabotage.  Always..

Note Number One: Moment of Clarity

I noticed today that I am slipping back into old habits.  My clarity, fading to the background.  I felt today like I stay with him because he is safe.  He is home for me.  I'm addicted to security.  Starting to feel trapped again.

Entry Number 11: Deja Vu

I worry that if I truly examine my relationship with Him, I will see all the things wrong with it, and begin to doubt. I've always had doubts.  It's like deja vu all over again.  This is definitely a case of it's not you, it's me.  Not to say He's perfect, because no one is.  Just that He's a good person.  He deserves better than this.


I feel selfish for trying to keep him with me.  It's not fair to either of us if my heart isn't it anymore.  I'm afraid to be alone.  I was reading a previous entry, and thought I should update a list.


Five Levels of Truth

1. I am not straight.
2. We need a break.
3. My Mentor.
4. Tell Him.
5. Tell Family.

It was a good reminder that I've already acknowledged that we need a break.  I shouldn't be surprised I'm having doubts at this point.  I just don't what this to end.  I don't want to step out into the unknown by myself.  I've done a great job of alienating myself, and not keeping close friends.  I don't know what's with the distance.  Never really thought about it either...

Why am I so scared all the time? !?  GGGggrrrrrrRRR!  I want to be brave and stop making excuses for myself.  I have the worst follow through ever...

mood:  defeated; trapped.

Entry Number 10: My Indifference

I feel like there is no medium.  Either I'm stricken the gut wrenching, raw emotion, or it's lurking just below the surface.  Just far enough out of reach that I can almost forget.  When it's in the forefront of my mind, there's no ignoring it.  But the latter only reinforces the denial.  I want so badly to be clear about what I feel.  

So I told Him.  I just knew I was going to blurt it out, so when we finally had a minute alone, I just told.  Short, sweet, to the point, and honest.  I can't picture my life without him, but I'm confused, and don't know what I want.  That I don't want to feel this way, but that I need to find myself.  I have to start living for me.

And like a cloud on a windy day, the weight of my burden was lifted, and began floating away.  So here I find myself in my current state.  Indifferent.  Knowing I can't just let it slip away, forgotten to long ago, and far away. 

I want to enjoy the peace.  Continue finding myself.  I've been playing the piano, gardening, fall cleaning.  But I've done my best to take my Professor's advise, and to slow down.  Whether it is a cool drink of water, pretending it's my first drink, or while putting away the dishes that I count myself grateful to have my own dishes to keep.  And thinking about my dog all day long while wishing I could come home.

Something had got to give.  I still feel lost in all of this.  Happier, but still confused.

 

Entry Number 9: An Ahhah Moment

My arms are shaking, like shivering in the cold, but it's 72 in the house.  The more I try to warm myself, the colder I feel, until I climb up under a blanket.  Slowly, I start to beat my bout of shaking.  Ive never known if it was from being two messed up, or a panic attack.  It was after I met Grace that I knew what I was really running from, the damnation to hell.  That was my connection, and why she felt safe.  My best friend was too precious to lose, she felt like home.  And I loved her.  Not like that, she was my friend.  I would have been so embarrassed to tell her.

I just feel doomed to be alone.  Today I had an ahhah moment when trying to rationalize both sides of my heart.  It felt like my head would explode.

And then, I remembered to find my center, I thought about all the beautiful things around me, and noticed strangely I was surprisingly, in the most relaxing place in the house.  My bathroom.  My mother always said never to bother her while she was in the bathroom.  She wanted a minute of peace, she said.

So I found my peace.  The safe, quiet, peaceful, feel of the bathroom.  And if that is bad enough, to this day, I have to find my center to use public bathrooms, and imagine I'm home.  But to do that, I find the quiet within. 

Days like today, and now, I could let  it all fall away.  Me and my dog, against the world.  My subcutaneous wants this out so bad, I feel like I'm out to sabotage myself.  I really just want to be a good person, without living a lie.  I feel like my shoulders are bent with the weight of my burden.  From all of it.

It brings back the feeling of coldness.  Seeping into my hands, crawling up through my arms.  Numbing me from the inside out.  Alas, it is Sunday, and back to sobriety.  But today, I can let it all slip away, one last time.  To stand sit tall =:) I feel good.  Better than good.  On top of my bed!!  Hehehe.  

I just want to do me now.  I feel like Ive regressed because this is the same way I felt four years ago....  Unhappy, doing things I don't want to do, burnt out, ready to crash, wanting to just leave it all behind and run away.

And there it is again!  Just run away.  Why do I always feel like I'm running?  I have to find my inner peace.  It starts with me, and I am struggling with me.  It sounds so put together in my head, I just don't know if I can let it out.  Once I tell Him, there is no going back, either way.  Even if He stays, it will never be the same.

Here I go worrying about someone else again.  Find my center.  I am afraid to open up my mind, to still my mind, because of what She has told me.  I am on the forefront of a battle, facing down my own demons.  I feel unprepared, Terrified of the outcome.  I have to come to grips with this.  I still wish this was just all a bad dream.  That I would wake up with my faith restored in my borrowed beliefs.  That God loves me, and that I wasn't afraid all the time.

Right now I just feel like a whiny bitch.  Life isn't supposed to be easy, I can't blame others because I'm not prepared.  I have to figure it out on my own.  I should be good at it by now, right?  I always thought of myself as a late bloomer; I guess I never realized how true that was.  

Without the raw emotion of it, I at least have a hopes of it slipping back away.  But as the same with my Mother, ignoring the fact that shes gone does not make it untrue.  Man I just need to live a little!!  Why does this seem so hard.

So back to my subconscious wanting this out.  I asked my sister for a bar review for a lesbian bar, then went out with my old Roommate and her girlfriend.  That was a huge leap of faith on my part.  I had a really good time.  The next day, I nursed my hang over and went to a novelty party to splurge.  Followed by tonight when I got blitzed and was forced to reunite with what I'm trying to suppress.  Gahh the implications of it all.....  

Things have been set in motion like a ripple in a pond.  One way or another, I'm going to be forced to face this.  The conflict is almost to much to bear.  It's all built up, ready to spill over, but I won't let it go!

And I have to go back to the bathroom.  Find my inner peace, see the beauty that is in my life.  My family, and Dog, my house.  My education. My genuine love for others.  Maybe my best quality, other than my eyes **kidding of course** and it is my greatest weakness.  

I have let others walk all over me, leave me at rock bottom, and laying in the dirt.  I thought I had learned my lesson.  That it was time to live for myself, not what others want for me.  To break the bondage I willingly accepted.  And here I am again; a little older, but still causing my own pain.  I am the only one in my way.  I just haven't accepted that yet.  

Why am I so afraid?  I need to focus not on the problem, but the solution.  Over coming my fear.  Yes old friend, we meet again.  From driving to roller coasters, employment to college.  Facing my fears and finding discerning my character when my back is against the wall.  I'm tired of being a doormat, and want to stand up for myself and what's good for me.  I haven't accepted the right way yet.  The way of truth.  I want to like the person I see in the mirror.  But I don't.  I don't even know who she is.  

In hopes to find out, I am turning to creativity.  I've ordered some new sheet music and will continue to cope through music.  Wish me luck.

Entry Number 8: Cleaning Out My Closet

I've been cleaning out my closet this past week.  Literally and figuratively.  It's liberating, like shedding skin.  I'm coping, and thus starting to heal.  My Mentor was right.  The first step is acceptance, then the healing begins.  I'm ready to heal, but still afraid to accept.  But I've committed to jumping in with both feet.  My mind has been busy after a short lived peace.  The calm before the storm.  Like the sunspots, growing and growing.  Becoming more frequent every year.  One day, eventually, we're going to get zapped.


This last month has brought music back to my life.  I can see my life through music.  How I've changed, and grown as a person.  Through the different genres, I find myself once again sinking into an unhappy place, but I've been ignoring the signs.  It shouldn't be a surprise to me.  The Itch, the restlessness.  My ever need for change.  All my life I've been forced, or forced myself to face the things I'm afraid of.  Because only when my fears are conquered, can I feel in control.  But control is a fantasy, like perfection.  The unobtainable.


How can I have it all put together in my head, but the minute I try to articulate, the words evaporate into the air like smoke?!?  Quite frankly it's infuriating!!


I almost almost just blurted it out to Him last night.  I was so tired of holding it in, and was dreading another night of trying to avoid his advances.  Hurting him is the last thing I want to do, but I have to pick a side.  It's time to look out for myself.  I was once told that a person's best quality can very likely be their down fall.  Mom always said that the reason the wrong guys like me was because I genuinely cared about them.  I never thought of myself as one to have empathy, especially after working for the company for so long, but it's true.  I'm good a delivering bad news, and giving advise, except when it comes to me.  


I'm trying to be more open minded after growing up believing only what I was told.  I'm ready to think for myself, find my own happiness.  I think everyone deserves a chance to be happy, and the only one standing in my way is me.


I want to figure out who I am.  Not my ideal self, my actual self.  Start with truth.  I think part of my problem is shutting out all the distractions.  The outside and internal chatter.  Sleep stops the mind.  Sometimes.  So does writing, but so does my addiction.  It enables me.  Puts me back in the shackles I gladly accepted.  Burdens I want to be free off.  All things come to light, and I want to live in the light.  


We once promised to always be honest.  I told him I was a mess, and had no desire to be in another relationship.  He knew I just wanted to have some fun.  That was all it was supposed to be.  And then, something happened.  I fell for the guy.  My genuine"ness" again.  I believe my mom because so many people are lost, broken, and just want to be loved.  I believe happiness is a choice, and I will choose to focus on myself.


An Angel told me to take up a new class, learn something new.  Be crafty.  I'm the least creative person ever  ntn =:).  


I have only myself to blame for the pit of despair I have return to.  And only I can dig myself out.


Start with truth.

"The Five Levels of Truth-Telling: First, you tell the truth to yourself about yourself. Then you tell the truth to yourself about another. At the third level, you tell the truth about yourself to another. Then you tell your truth about another to that other. And finally, you tell the truth to everyone about everything." Neale Donald Walsch Conversations with God (Book 2)

Five Levels of Truth

1. I am not straight.
2. We need a break.
3. My Mentor.
4. Tell Him.
5. Tell Family.

Why Am I Afraid to Tell Him?

• I love him.
• I don't want to be alone.  He makes home, home.
• What if I'm wrong?
• It will make this real.  No more hiding.

Sometimes it still makes me feel like I need to take a shower.  Wash the filth from my mind.  Cleanse the soul.  Why am I still so torn?  I've made the decision to go down this path, see where it leads.  So why am I still holding back?  What am I waiting for?  Why do I have cold feet.  I hate my comfort zone fears.  Why can I let it go and move on with my life?  Why am I still standing in my own way?

I have again succumbed to the pull of my addiction.  Basking in the wave of surrender.  Letting go of the emotion.  Honing in on what's ailing my mind.  No longer ignoring for fear of the pain.  Funny how the things I am so afraid of, are what I run into the arms of.  Why can't I take my own advise?  What I am so afraid of?  If happiness is a choice, why do I continue to live in the cold shadow of my own self loathing?  I want to embrace the woman that I am.  I want to be bold, and proud of my independence and successes, but instead I deny my true self for the happiness of others.

Why is this so hard?  My feelings are so ADD sometimes, and I always seem to lose sight of my goal.

I guess I will continue to make the same mistake until I learn from it.  I have to tell him.  I have to start living for me.  

Psalm 121:1-2

 ¹I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.

 ²My help cometh from the LORD, which made heaven and earth.

I guess my fear too is that my help won't come from the LORD.  That he will turn his back on me.  It's so hard to shake borrowed beliefs.  The "what if" just scares me so much.  I remember being a little kid in church, and thinking about what eternity means.  I always thought it was too overwhelming, and that I would rather die and there be nothing.  No heaven, no hell.  A truly endless sleep.  That wouldn't be nearly as bad.  Too bad we can't make up our own rules to the game.  I guess I've always been a serious person.  It's a much more stressful way to live life, I'll tell you that.  I have learned to laugh at myself more in the last couple of years though, so I guess I am growing.

Gosh, music is such a big part for me.  I would never be able to write this way without it.  Not that this is great writing or anything, just that I wouldn't be able to get the words from my head to the paper.  All the outside noise really clutters my mind.  The racing thoughts, the worries and concerns about anything and everything.  No wonder I cherish sleep.  Too bad I'm not getting much these days.  I had also been battling an extreme bout of "loss of interest," but that could always be attributed to the intoxication.  

It's been so long since I've been clearheaded intentionally.  I think it scares Him, and that he knows He is losing me.  He has to know.  I just can't bare the thought of hurting him, but I am coming to realize that is a selfish reason.  My heart would ache, but not just for him.  I am being selfish trying to keep Him to myself.  He will never accept who I am when I tell him.  I honestly don't know why he hasn't already left me.  It's probably because he doesn't see his own potential.  He's a really great guy, and becoming a wonderful man.  I'm so proud of him for growing so much these past few years.  

Evanescence:  Open Door - Forgive Me
Lacuna Coil:  Falling Again

Entry Number 7: Mind Mapping

Funny how old habits die hard.  I'm not sure how I connect the two, but it's like driving.  In my sports car, I was sailing through traffic.  But in the SUV, I'm barreling down the road!  Writing's the same way.  My thoughts flow like a babbling brook.  And even though I do ramble, I can usually follow my trail back.

I noticed this week how days like these are more confusing than anything else.  How can I go from thinking non stop about my sexuality, to thinking nothing about it?  Like I never did?  It's so easy to just believe it was never there, but I know it will come back, and sooner than later.  On days I'm miserable, and at my lowest, I know in the core of my being, I'm not straight.  Days like today I feel nether either way.  Just, no desire at all, but content.  It can be bliss, but then I know I still have to face it.  Why won't I just face it already :\ so frustrating!!!  I feel like this shouldn't be a defining factor.... like race.  Color doesn't matter.  I was always taught to love the character of a person, and to take the good with the bad because God loves everyone.

It's hard to be objective without it.  It's like the pain reminds me it's there.  Even when I have good days, it's always there.  And then lately on more of a rare occasion, it completely leaves my mind.

The last two nights, I've had nightmares.  This is the whole reason I prefer not to dream.  And then I dream something different that awakens in me again a bout of confusion.  Maybe the nightmares are a good sign, and will be what I once again need to quiet my mind.  Turn off the chatter and stop the traffic again.  If if would again go dormant.

But I know in my heart that I have to face this.  I can't lie to myself if I want to live a life I can be proud of.

An Angel once shared a mind map that really got me thinking.  Yeah, that Angel.   ......So the goal is to search my soul, map my mind, and do whats best for me.  I'm working to mend a bad ending, and clear the air.  Maybe this weekend?  I'm finally living without regrets, if not slowly.  Why is it always the best friends?

..side note.  Could this be why I always made friends with the boys?  Always.  Was it to keep myself away from them because I felt something wrong?  Never thought about it that way before..  If only I won't live with what ifs.  I have to let that person go.

I have nothing to lose.  Here goes nothing.

Entry Number 6: These are a Few of My Favorite Things

Who am I and what do I want?  These are a few of my favorite things, in no particular order.  Each make me happy in a different way, but all can put a smile on my face.

1. writing
2. music
3. gardening
4. walking
5. stars
6. photography
7. coloring
8. reading
9. pets
10. family
11. sleep
12. food
13. nature
14. memories
15. clovers
16. skating
17. rain
18. shells