Entry Number 14: A Golden Opportunity

Words do not come easy today, and yet I find myself wanting to write.  Needing to let go of the emotion bottled inside.  My stomach has been in knots for two days now, my breath coming in short, quick pulls.  The rising panic is once again rising in me, and I'm doing all that I can to keep it from tearing me apart.  Today is eleven days sober, and six days ago, I told Him it was over.

My plan was to get sober, and tell him by the end of the summer, but an opportunity presented itself, and I knew I had act.  Telling Him was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done, but to continue living a lie has been slowing eating me alive.  He left Friday night, only to come home, where he belongs, on Saturday.  Three nights on the couch was all I could bear before welcoming him back to our bed.  It proved to be what I already knew.  A step in the wrong direction.  Yet another selfish act to hold on to the safety I feel when he is near.  

Two more sweat nights of sleep before it was all over, and I fear, gone for good.  I awoke to find I was sleeping alone.  Feeling cold, and empty all over again.  He told me He was leaving, and was sorry I had been feeling smothered.  The violation of my trust was written on His face and spoken from His lips as he confessed to reading my text messages, and telling my secret.

I am always so vulnerable when I first wake up, and couldn't withhold the tears.  I knew He was right.  That it was time for him to leave.  Finally, I would have the space I have so craved.  But I'm not happy.  I feel empty, and broken.  The knowledge of his absence intensified the growing knot in my stomach; stole my appetite, my joy, and my will to face the day.

At yet, somehow, I was able to steal my nerves; stop the tears; leave my emotions at the door to start another day of work.  Smooth the pain from my face, and put on a smile to get me through another day.  Only KP had any sense of what I was truly feeling.  Something in my eyes, or the unsteady timber of my voice.  But I didn't want even her to see my weakness, and so I pushed it down; kept it bottled inside.

Today I have not cried.  Despite the lump in my throat, and the often tears brimming in my eyes, I have been able to hold it back thus far.  My solace comes in knowing an end is in sight.  Sleep is only a few precious moments away.  

Things always seem brighter in the morning.  Like everything is new, and fresh, and beautiful.  A new chance to conquer my fears; a new beginning to forget past mistakes and start again.

Tomorrow I will go speak with my brother.  He now knows my secret, and I am eager to confide in him the way I have always wanted to.  I am eternally grateful for a second chance with him.  I will no longer mourn the days that have been lost under the lies of the past.  

So here's to a new chapter in my life.  Learning to live alone, and truly focus on me for a change.  And even though I am terrified of the road that lies ahead, I can smile knowing that I have people in my life that know of my shame, and are helping me to find my way.

Entry Number 13: Acts of Desperation

Today I realized something new.  I think I may be using my relationships, current or past, as an excuse to not face a different demon.  If I'm single, I have no excuse to face what I am feeling, and find out the truth once and for all.  It's become a crutch.  A blocking block keeping my goal out of reach.

How long will I continue to run and live in fear of what could be?  No matter how much I think I've grown, I'm still that scared little girl trying to find out who she is.  Afraid of what others might say, afraid to find out what will happen if I'm wrong.

It's always been clear to me that I've been attracted to the individual, not a particular sex.  But I find myself again and again making the easier choice.  Settling for contentment rather than just putting myself out there.

The last couple of weeks have proven to me that I am in a pivotal time in my relationship with Him.  I've made some decisions I'm not proud of, and see them as desperate acts to escape the prison I've built around me.  Another avoidance tactic to skirt the real issue at hand.  I'm truly ashamed of my behavior, and now worry I've about a door that's been opened that I can never shut.  A friendship forever altered by clouded judgement and selfishness.

I feel like I'm just sitting back waiting for things to come crumbling down around me.  It's only a matter of time before I ruin everything if I continue on this self destructive path.  I can't take my own advise, much less the advise of someone who's already gone through what I'm feeling.  I'm so hard headed I'm not sure how anyone can stand to be around me most days.

Sobriety is still a daily struggle.  As much as I think I want it, I've yet to employ any real will power.  The truth is it lets me hide from my true feelings.  I must not be doing a very good job at hiding it though, because KP has noticed something is up.  It's easy enough to make excuses to her, but my stress has more than spilled over in other facets.  Despite a bipolar conscience I have managed to contain my current situation without completly going crazy.

It's just a matter of time before I lose it, though.  I feel it creeping up on me like the calm before a storm.  My emotional pendulum has been on overdrive and quite frankly I'm surprised I have lasted this long without a breakdown.  The extremes are coming closer together, and the chance of recovery at each end is quickly diminishing.  It's a racing heart beat and an increased feeling of fight or flight.  Panic welling up in my chest and threatening to escape my lips in a choked scream.  It's desperation on the edge of the mask I've created to protect what I can never say.

The lack of a breakdown has to be due to my friend binge, but that's going to cost me in a whole new way.  My mind has been everywhere except where it should be, and I'm not prepared for the consequences of my actions.  For not wanting to hurt anyone, my selfishness has probably done unrepairable damage to two of my most cherished relationships.

The weight of my impending despair looms on the edge of the storm; threatening to wash me under a wave of emotion.  The haze provided by my drug of choice is only a thin sheet of protection against what I know will soon become utter sorrow for all those sucked into the growing mess that is my life.

Entry Number 12: A Friend Binge

I'm not sure where to start.  I haven't been sober much lately, but hadn't really noticed until My Friend pointed it out.  He said he thought I was staying sober, but the truth is, there are less sober days than not.  I didn't have a good answer for him at the time, which got me thinking about why it's so hard to quit.  Here is my response to him.

"I feel like I'm in uncharted territory.  I've been kind of lost for a while now, and still very much working through some things.  Being sober forces me to face my demons head on.  It's exhausting and whether I knew it or not, I now know I've been looking for a way out.  I've always been better at avoiding problems than dealing with them.  I feel weak, and damaged, and hopeless when I'm clean.  Turned back into my inner pessimist instead of the optimist I play when I'm inebriated."

"Because I'm weak, I look for an easy way out.  I crave the attention of others, am fiercely loyal to those I love, but I'm terrified of commitment and run from confrontation.  I told Him a long time ago that I'm a mess.  I guess not much has changed."

"There are a few people in my life that force me to take an honest look at things and see more clearly.  I'm grateful to have people with my best interest at heart just a phone call away.  Thanks for being one of them, Friend."

"I don't like to talk about my feelings, but I always feel better to get it out.  My clarity usually comes in waves, and I do more writing sober.  The down side is that thinking on it depresses me."

I thought I was doing so well for a bit.  I'm not sure what happened.

A few weeks ago, He asked me to go off the pill so we could start a family.  The more of a commitment he wants, the more I want to run.  I finally told him that this week.  We've both agreed to put our best foot forward and fight for what we want.  I'm just afraid that I'm falling back into more detrimental old habits.  Habits that are potentially more dangerous than my lack of sobriety.  I think that is why I will never marry.  The final act of committing to settle.  I can't.

How did I find myself here?  Focus on the solution, not the problem.  I wish I was a bird, and could soar above all my sadness.  Fly above the fog and I chain myself to.

I feel ashamed of the way I am behaving, and yet feel powerless to change it.  I see no happiness if I break free of current situation and strike out on my own.  Or am I only afraid of what I will find?

That leap of faith has been calling my name for so long.

My Friend, said I'd given him a good hug, and I told him it was because I closed my eyes.  That it was like the trust exercise, and if you do it right, you can lose yourself in it.  Thats exactly what I need, and what I need to do.