Entry Number 37: The Five Signs

I should have noticed the Five Signs. I’ve experienced the exact same cycle, countless times. And yet I never noticed it for myself until I saw the faces. In that way, I failed you, but no worse than myself if its any consolation.

I felt humiliated. Instead of having the chance to decide how I felt about any of it, and whether or not I was wanted to stay, I was forced to face it head on, and tell all my friends and family for you, then at the last minute ask them all to change to your new name and pronouns. I was so angry. But that was after the shock. The sheer astonishment of it all. It reminded me of a time when I fell off a swing in the winter. The wind was knocked from my chest, and there was a temporary panic that my breath wouldn't return. Charlie Brown's teacher was droning on in my ears, as the tunnel vision promised sweet escape. 

I bargained with you, and then myself, and found my line. I was heartbroken. Devastated by the truth, but faced with it, there could be no more turning a blind eye. I'd made up my mind, and that's all there was to it. The journey home was my acceptance. Leave the last part of us behind. 

The friendship I'd hoped we would have, gives me shear anxiety just to consider it now. Every conversation returning to please to reconcile. I know you your still working through your stages of grief, and I'm patient because I love you, but if I don't learn to communicate healthy boundaries soon, I will soon slip below my own wall and surely disappear for good.

The masquerade has roared to life once again, to conceal what's bubbling to the surface.  But not all of my days are bad anymore. In fact, I'm having more peaceful days than not. I just have to remember to breathe.

Entry Number 36: Autopilot

Most days I wake up and my autopilot takes over. When it doesn't it's hard to get out of bed. I feel numb, and rainy days feel familiar. When it's sunny out, I feel almost hopeless because it doesn't reflect how I feel. Like the beauty of the day is taunting me with what I can't have. Effortless joy.

I used to believe that happiness was a choice. How ridiculous that sounds echoing around in my head just before it is lost in the chatter. It's true that all we can control is our attitude, but putting on the mask is far from authentic happiness.

I realized years ago that true happiness would always be out of my reach. Like the way I've kept God at an arms length my entire life. Realization is just the cruel irony solidifying my greatest fear. And yet there is a sweet serenity in the smallest piece of certainty gained in the absolution. Maybe instead of being punished for something terrible I must have done along the way, I was just never meant to find happiness from the beginning.

Joy water falling from cupped hands. Lasting long enough to wet my lips, but never enough to quench my thirst. It's feeling cheated; not enough time, or energy, or just not enough of myself to give before my senses dull once again. The climb to the top of the bell curve is steep, thus leading to the inevitable rapid decline of simply feeling alive; back to my normal, feeling comfortably numb. Relinquishing control to my autopilot. Just doing my best to keep in step, tow the line, and not melt into a puddle of despair.

I've become a cliche, looking for love and happiness in all the wrong places. Never truly finding it within myself; for myself. Busying myself and spending my energy on others until there is none left for myself. Doing whatever it takes to wear myself out and quiet the chatter; lower the noise to a dull roar, slow the thoughts of my fatigued mind. Making it through the day until my eyes are simply to tired to stay open and and the chatter is drowned out by pure exhaustion. All for a few precious hours until the sound of my alarm alerts my pilot to the dawn of a new day. An endless cycle of just making it through another day undetected. Entering the pool of my existence making as few ripples as possible as to not alert others to what is hidden behind the mask.

Entry Number 35: Said the Morning Star

Two years, almost to the day, in making. My voice lost to the chatter.

I think, maybe, I've always been broken.. I've just learned how to remain numb. Always managed to keep my darkness hidden; Never let it out, not entirely. The risk of becoming lost in it is too great.

None of my usual outlets have been working. No longer floating down the stream, I have been dumped into a pond and stuck. Stranded in the standing water of a stagnant pool. No escape. Not until I clear the muddle. Until I have become drunk on the clarity.

Few have an idea of what I keep buried. Fewer still have caught a glimpse of my darkness. You told me I only let the vail fall on occasion; called my darkness gorgeous and the reason you fell in love with me. You, the morning star.

I don't think I could let it go completely anyway. The damage is done. But I don't have to tell you that. Wearing a mask is just easier, albeit exhausting. It has the potential to destroy everything good. I've sabotaged myself over and over my entire life. It's an endless cycle to keep others from seeing my true colors.

I've noticed I'm started to fall back into old habits. They're creeping in, like images out of focus. Fuzzy in the peripheral field. Propelled by internal forces; unaffected by my consciousness. Outside the control of free will.. it's like slowly slipping. Losing my footing. Unmotivated to oppose it, but unable to even if I wanted to.

Its like a double edged sword; inviting the desensitization to dull the nerves, to stop the racing thoughts. Once the autopilot kicks in, falling into step is easy as a creature of habit. But the colors aren't as bright, and my body and mind becomes numb. I am nothing more than a leaf floating on the surface of a stagnant pond. Without emotion or purpose. Repitition becomes my safety net. Retreating down into the pit of my despair; tucked away in the confines of my mind.





So Says the Morning Star

So says the Morning Star, "where is your darkness?

Why do you struggle to keep it buried deep inside?

As a part of you, it harbors its own beauty,

Waiting for its match to come along and find."

So says the Morning Star, "wear it as your armor,

Not hidden behind your great wall made of stone.

For when its kindred spirit does come calling,

You'll forfeit blessings meant for you and you alone."

So says the Morning Star "I've loved you all these years, dear one,

Your presence will forever call from miles away.

But you must stop running from what lives inside you,

Unless balance is found, your soul is what you'll pay.

Entry Number 34: Striving for Patience

As a child, I learned to measure love by success. Always hoping to be good enough. Get good grades, be a good friend, take responsibilities for my actions, love one another. To be Godly.

I often wonder if Mom was like Eli. Taken from this Earth, so he didn't have to witness the wickedness of his children. Because God knew it would be too much. That it would break her heart.

I've wondered if of my sexual exploration has been influenced by my vulnerability. If it makes sense that I give into temptation simply because I am weak?

But that's silly. I'm not a wicked person because of who I love.

Throughout time, its the stories we remember. The names that paint our history; names of old that were passed down in song. We all want to be remembered. It seems so insignificant. Life is too short to be concerned about what people will remember us for. And yet, in some way, I think each and every one of us carry that knowledge. What will we do with it?

What will my parents legacy be? How will they be remembered? What will be their biggest successes? That is what I aspired to. To make my parents proud. Show them that the hard work and effort they put into being parents would pay off. I just wanted them to be proud of me. To love me.

As an adult, I am learning to change my aspirations. Life isn't about making our parents proud. Sure, thats a part of if, but its about being a good person. Loving each other, building each other up. Showing respect and admiration for what is good. Celebrating life! Being thankful for the little things. I want to shine my light and be a source of good in the world.

I continue to struggle with my self worth. Still unable to accept love because I do not love myself. Still worried that I'm just not good enough. What good have I put out into the world? Who have I helped? What will I be remembered for?

I can see goodness reflected in my Sister's love. Really all of my siblings. They've known me longer than anyone, and they love me. They are good people, and they celebrate life, and love, and goodness. They are part of my measurement of good, because they are good. They have helped mold me into the person I am.

I can't help but to look back on all our failures, and believe me, we are far from perfect. We all try our best to be good people every day, though. Our good outweighs the bad. The world is a better place because we are a part of it. Our successes are due to hard work and perseverance, even when presented with obstacles. We are strong, have good values, and we love fiercely.

We are blessed to have not only our biological family, but the families we've chosen, and who have chosen us. Everyone goes through life touching lives. I hope to make my interactions positive. I hope to leave behind joy, and love, and kindness. My quest is changing; life should not be stagnant. We should all strive to be better, each and every day.

My Mom used to tell us that if you struggle with something, God will give you opportunities to practice, and get better at it. For me, it has always been patience. Funny that my customers should compliment me on something I strive daily to maintain. God sure does have a sense of humor. I'll keep working at it. But I figure its not that God will stop presenting opportunities, its just that once we accomplish the skill set, it will have become second nature, and time to move on to something else.

Entry Number 33: Troubleshooting with Lesbians

My last call of the day was from Danni, a 23 year old from Canada. During a break in our troubleshooting, she asked me where I was from, and not knowing the country, I explained it was on the east coast. She asked if I was happy about the SCOTUS ruling on marriage equality. Effortlessly, I gushed that I was, and had been married to my wife since February. She all but screamed in my ear, "YOU'RE GAY?!?! That's soooooo cool! So am I! I can't wait to tell my girlfriend! That just made my day!" I was tickled pink, and wonder if she could tell that she also made my night.

Its easy to forget just how present others in the LGBT community are. You can't just tell by the way someone speaks, or the way they treat others. I remember troubleshooting with an older lady one day, and naturally she said that she was having the same problem on her wife's machine. I was taken aback, and felt blessed that she could so comfortably say "such a thing" without worry.

I remember speaking with Mark, from Texas. A flight attendant who did have a suspiciously obvious tone when speaking. After troubleshooting for more than an hour, I said something to the affect of my wife, this or that. He said "Girl! We could be sisters!!" and proceeded to tell me about past relationships and new love interests. As it turns out, we found common ground in our love for Latin partners.

I guess what I'm getting at, is that today was a good day. I still find myself wandering through the dismal times, and when I least expect it, a fabulous ray of sunshine breaks through the darkness. Today was a good day. I am grateful for the reminder that I am not alone. I have found that sometimes, connecting with a stranger can be more rewarding for the simple fact that it is so utterly unexpected.

Entry Number 32: A Place to Begin

I've wanted to write for a while. Needless to say, I've been blocked for quite some time. Not only have I not been able to write, but books haven't been able to hold my attention either. Little notes here and there have kept me sane, but the words are stuck; just stuck. So bottle necked, I can't think straight most of the time.


19 August 2014
01:57AM

"Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart."
-Steve Jobs

"I'm bored" is a useless thing to say. I mea, you live in a great, big, vast world that you've seen none percent of. Even the inside of your own mind is endless; it goes on forever, inwardly, do you understand? The fact that you're alive is amazing, so you don't get to say "I'm bored."
-Louis CK

"This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness."
-Dalai Lama

"The good thing about science is that it's true whether or not you believe in it."
-Neil deGrasse Tyson

"You'll be fine. You're 25. Feeling unsure and lost is part of your path. Don't avoid it. See what those feelings are showing you and use it. Take a breath. You'll be okay. Even if you don't feel okay all the time."
-Louis CK

"You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life."
-Winston Churchill

"So avoid using the word 'very' because it's lazy. A man is not very tired, he is exhausted. Don't use very sad, use morose. Language was invented for one reason, boys - to woo women - and, in that endeavor, laziness will not do. It also won't do in your essays."
-Robin Williams

"Live a good life. If there are gods, and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of you loved ones."
-Marcus Aurelius

"Write drunk. Edit sober."
-Ernest Hemingway


23 August 2014
01:44

"There is something intimate about a blanket. It cuddles me."
-My Love


05 September 2014
02:10

I'm not usually this brash about anything, but I think with my sexuality, a part of me has to be. I need it to be big and loud and in my face to remind me. To not become complacent.

I feel static. Still not making an effort to love me. Becoming all but immediately bored with my therapist. Who am I kidding? She didn't dump me. I fed her what she wanted and got out of there. Exit strategy. Not to say there was no gain, but I digress.

Thoughts pushing to escape like an over filled balloon. Bursting at my seems, but still trap by the threads of my mind.

I'm going stir crazy and there's not enough to rearrange this time. It's too soon. I couldn't have changed the bedroom more than two months ago.

I feel left behind and it's only getting worse! Trying to carve out my own way has so far been less than successful.

I want to love who I am. It is something I will probably always fight with. And with this attitude, it's no wonder...

My mood is affecting my sex life, and therefore that of my partners. It's only a matter of time before she realizes I'm slipping. Or have slipped? I'm not sure what counts at this point.

Alice said it best: "I give very good advice, but very seldom take it."


Listening to: Calm Playlist
Artist: Air Planes
Song: Wish Right Now


19 September 2014
03:32
Intimacy is extraordinarily hard for me. Even still, I have the primal instinct to run away when I open up too much. It scares the shit out of me.

Routine sex is boring to me. I can't let myself go there. Can't allow myself to look at it that way. Can't sabotage this.

What has been said, can never be unsaid.


27 September 2014
19:21
"When you don't have insecurities and aren't worrying about someone stepping out on their own, you can have a relationship like [My Mentor] and [Her Husband]."
-Little Sister


16 November 2014
13:17
 For the same reason she cut him out of our lives, I am afraid I will have to do the same. Only this time, I will be on the other side of religion.


17 November 2014
23:32
My world's been rocked. My resolve shaken.. The book that tore us apart before, may be doing it again. Only this time, I'm on the other side of it. I didn't want to cry. I can accept that they won't come, but to lost them, that would most surely tear out a piece of my heart.

My Brother's personal belief does not coincide with what he now sees as truth. It appeared to cause him sadness to see me in pain, thought I tried my best to conceal it.


20 November 2014
16:50
Sometimes I am just scared. What if I'm wrong? But I always, always, end up sabotaging my happiness.. Or do I? Until now, I don't know that I've ever been truly happy.


22 November 2014
16:32
"Your sins will take you farther than you ever thought you'd go."
-Ms. Maggie


15 January 2015
00:37
I stopped going to my therapist because I wanted to be done. She did tell me she thought I didn't need to come back unless I wanted to, thought. I never lied to her, but I did tell her what I wanted her to know, and what she wanted to hear.


20 January2015
01:32
I'm searching for answers. Answers to questions I have yet to ask. Questions I don't know how to ask.  I am wandering. Lost; without direction.


25 January 2015
00:24
You say you want me to be an asshole, but you don't like it when it's turned on you. Sound familiar?  I don't get it. You can be blunt and my feelings shouldn't get hurt, but you can pick and choose? And then refuse to talk to me about it? I shouldn't be so sensitive about things, but you won't even tell me you're feelings are hurt or accept my apology. You won't just say you think I'm wrong.

You want me to open up and tell you what I'm thinking, but you don't really want to know. You can't see passed your feelings to see the wall that I have up, but when you smack into it face first from running, you wonder why you bleed. I never intended to take my pound of flesh. I couldn't internalize my feelings either, so I was abrupt, but effectively ended the discussion.

You wanted me to understand that you didn't want to talk about it anymore, but you couldn't see what I thought was about as clear a sign you will ever get from me to back off. You just couldn't stop trying to explain and justify what you said. Why couldn't you see how fruitless your efforts were and just stop?

Why do you get to be upset over me getting upset at so meting you said wrong? Regardless of what you thought, it was wrong. And that I got THAT defensive over NOTHING didn't tip you off that you should stop?

My heart's stopped pounding in my ears, and I can breath again, even if momentarily to steal my nerves.

Ahhhh. Writing is therapeutic, and my crutch makes it come easily.

Its what we have together when we're on the same wave length.

Am I subconsciously pushing you away? Is that really what's happening here?

You know, you've told more than once that only being around your mom and sister for so long taught you that you didn't need a filter, and so sometimes you may say things that aren't okay to say. This was on of those times.


01 February 2015
20:34
I'm about to embark on an exciting chapter in my life. There's just one thing holding me back. I'm wandering off the path. I don't have a beacon to be my guide.


06 February 2015
01:48
To My Mentor
I want you to know that I hold you in high regard. I've been struggling with some things and have considered the belief of those I look up to. I have a great deal of respect for you.


09 March 2015
21:10
I'm excited but I'm afraid.


18 March 2015
20:56
This space will be good for me. It will probably hurt like hell, but it will be so worth it.


4 April 2015
7:58
I feel like the conversation is mute at this point. I don't know whether you are trying to persuade me on this or not, but going back and forth like this isn't going to do that. It's disheartening because I feel like the only time you really try to engage with me anymore is over my sexuality (albeit indirectly). I lost you once over religion, but never thought it would happen again. Especially from opposite sides. Just didn't see it coming. I think what makes it even worse is that you were one of the first people I came to with this, and you were supportive to say the least.

I'm not the authority on sexuality, and even though we can both find examples to support our bias, I just don't see us agreeing on this one. Contrary to what you may think, my actions are not a deliberate attack on Christianity. I did not choose to feel the things that I do. The only choice I've made is to act on those feelings.

Pretending to be straight would be living a lie. I've already tried that, and I can't see many things worse than that. I suppose remaining celibate would be a better option to some, but if a deed is in your heart, its no different than committing the act. And THAT is according to the Bible.

I refuse to be my own prisoner. I will not be held hostage by my mind. I'm don't feeling lonely and repressed. I'm done trying to ignore what I feel. I've never felt the need to justify my feelings or actions to anyone. No straight person ever has to justify their attractions. What goes on in anyone's bedroom should be the business of those involved and those only.

I'm not looking for approval. in fact, I'm not looking of anything more than I've always received. I just want to be treated like I always have, with the love, respect, and support of those I care about.

I know you and Dad think I'm wrong. You are entitled to your convictions, as am I. I appreciate your concern for me. I really do. I know that if you didn't care, than you wouldn't waste your time, and that does mean something to me. It's just starting to feel, that like dad, all you see is my gayness. Or at least that's the only thing worth discussing about my life. But I am so much more than my sexuality.

I can't remember a time when I've felt better adjusted than I do now, and I refuse to turn my  back on that progress. I watched Mom spiral down into a place of utter despair, and even what I consider for most, a well concealed madness. She was lost to her beliefs, and I refuse to follow down that same path.

It hurts that some of the people I care for most are unable to rejoice in my happiness. I believe in letting people make their own decisions. Just like I'm not trying to convince Dad to be okay with my marriage, or come to my wedding. I want you both to be there, but trying to force you into going isn't going to make anyone happy in the end.

You are both so stuck on the gay thing, that neither of you even bother asking how I am, or what I've been up to. you don't care about all the good things that are going on with us, or how excited we are for the life we are building together. In fact, I can't remember the last time either of you even called me. It just hurts.


***To be fair, neither my Brother or my Dad (or myself, for that matter) are good at keeping in touch. I may have lost it a bit and went off on a tangent. Sometimes its hard to real it back in when I'm emotional. I did have to go back and apologize. He didn't deserve to be verbally attacked that way. Not this time, anyway ;)


04 April 2014
14:33
Days like today make me afraid. They remind me that life is short, and that you never know when it's going to come to an end. I'm reminded of that every time I think about my mom's abrupt demise. And how stress consumes the body.

It's true what they say about a name. There are days when I fit mine to a T (Ha! That wasn't even intentional)! I don't want to doubt myself, but I am so often crippled by fear.

And I'm so afraid sometimes that I'm wrong. I've ben shutting everyone out. Sometimes I'm easily influenced and this is something I just cannot afford to waver on.

I've been isolating myself. For a while, actually. I don't remember when it started, but I've been shutting everyone out again. Including me. Just twisting inward; tighter and tighter. Spiraling deeper inside my shell. Shielded by the wall.

I have to be able to stand on my own two feet with this. I have to know what I believe. What I truly believe. Other wise, I will continue to find myself lost in the turmoil.

"Your sin will take you farther than you ever thought you'd go." I hear it ringing in my ears.

"People will believe a lie because they want it to be true, or because they are afraid it's true." I just haven't figured out which lie I'm believing.


30 April 2015
01:25
Selling the house was like saying goodbye to something that was holding me back. Closing the door on so many memories, both good and bad. The parties, the lonely heartache, the nights I prayed "If we could just get through it." All left behind. A clean slate, and a chance to move on from so much pain.


10 May 2015
15:50
I'm trying to find a balance between morality and Christianity. I need find my way back to peace. Church so completely screwed my view of reality, that I am no longer a religious person, but still relentlessly bound to it.


10 May 2105
18:15
At 18:12 I was thinking about taking exit 80 6A to switch from I-95 to I-26. I was at exit 96.


22 May 2015
02:01
Patti O Furniture with a Hippie. Eating sea food with an awesome friend. Smiling for no reason. Excited to be living life. The possibility of new life. She's starting over, I'm beginning anew. Different places in life's journey, but growing and free! It feels good to be young. It feels good to smile. I'm in a good place, and we had an awesome two days together, experiencing the city. Drinking up all if has to offer. A tourist in my own town. Watching the sun rise, going to the beach. Eating good food. It puts a new perspective to gay and merry! I was happy tonight, and surrounded by so much of it, and it didn't feel wrong. I wasn't nervous; or afraid. I was earring comfortable clothes and flip flops.

She wants me to work restaurants and be free like she is. We shared truths and laughs and anger. Growth and pain. We drove over bridges and squirmed about babies, and saw the sun rise. Ate shellfish, drank cocktails, and hollered for drag queens. We met knew people, paid for parking, and jumped a curb.

We both took a much needed vacation, including a sun burn, and several naps. We promised to keep in touch. I hope we do. I need a friend.



My Buddy's in trouble. I'm afraid for him, because I can't protect him.



05 June 2015
08:14
During my last few days here, I've seen a boy riding a skateboard down St. James towards Rivers. For some reason, he's given me hope. I saw him again this morning, and could barely contain my tears as I realized it was the last time I would see him.


24 June 2015
14:30
Happy life.
Love my wife.

Rescuing turtles.
Jumping life's hurdles.

Counting blessings twice,
And good memories thrice.

Learning to put Coast Guard first.
Missing loved ones is the worst.

New adventures will begin,
But good friendships never end.

Moving is a must,
So enjoying wanderlust.

Always and forever,
We will be together.

Entry Number 31: No More Therapy!

Its been almost a year since my last post.  I'm not even sure where to begin.  So many wonderful things have happened.  I guess I will start with today: No more therapy!

About a year ago, I began seeing a therapist.  I was ashamed and embarrassed (about therapy that is), and confused.  But She encouraged me to go.  You see, I wasn't managing my stress well, was struggling to articulate not only what was troubling me, but also day to day things that popped into my head.  With her support and encouragement, I decided that for me, it was the right thing to do.

Now I can't say I made any life altering breakthroughs necessarily, but I've seen improvement in my day to day life.  I don't think this particular mental health professional was the right fit for me, but for what it was worth, I'd made a commitment to see it through, and I have.

That being said, life is bitter sweet.  Mostly sweet, and now that I'm thinking on it, bitter is not the right word.  There are still things I am, and probably always will, be working on.  As human beings, I think one of our goals in life should always be to continue to learn, grow and develop as individuals.  One thing I've learned from this experience is that no matter what life throws my way, I know I can handle it.  I just have to take things one step at a time.  And the best part about that, is that I know I have people in my life who love and support me.  I just have to remain focused on the things that matter most, and not get so hung up on the little things.

The following are just some random thoughts, snippets, if you will, of some of my thoughts over the last year.  Although I've had trouble sitting down to write, even just a few paragraphs here and there, I have made an attempt to at least jot down the more important ones as they have come along.  Hopefully this entry will be a kick start back into the writing that I have always found so comforting.


March 3, 2013, 4:53PM
I've been drifting without a sail for so long, that I don't know how not to.


March 16, 2013
OCD is a coping mechanism to define order where none can be found.

June 23, 2013, 1:34AM
I am having trouble identifying how I measure right and wrong, instead of how I was taught to measure it.


June 3, 2013, 9:34PM
(Draft message to YL)
Hiiiiii!  We missed you at dinner on Saturday!  It was very generous of you to pay for the meal, though.  Thank you very, very much :)  I know you don't want to see me right now, and I respect your wishes.  I love you and I miss you, and I hate feeling like your are disappointed in me.  I just want you to know that I love you and dad and I don't want to cause you guys any problems.  Also, I don't want you to feel alone or left out after Dad moves.  If that means taking turns going to family dinners so you can go, I would be more than happy to.  As long as you need space, I will give it to you.  I just hope it isn't permanent because I really do care about you.

September 3, 2013, 1:33AM
I have a moderate case of ADD and social anxiety, with a comorbidity of mild, controllable OCD, and I have never effectively been able to manage my stress.  My insecurities are crippling me.  Even as I write this, I am fighting a panic attack.  I felt like I was on a fair ride, spinning faster and faster.  Trying to hang on to the face that keeps me centered.  Realizing, again, that I have to be the one to hold my center.  I have to love me before I can let anyone else love me.  We accept the love we think we deserve.  Despite Her best efforts, I do not feel deserving...  And it is hurting us both.


October 1, 2013, 3:21AM
It's very hard to pry open a closed mind.  Some never do open, and there were people who went to their graves believing desegregation and women's rights were BAD things.  But the times ARE changing and there's nothing HE can do to stop that.  If he'd like to reconcile his faith with his practices, perhaps he might consider exploring an inclusive church.  They marry, ordain, accept LGBT people, and it's all the same Bible and Jesus.  :-)

-Atheists of Zygotes


November 14th, 2013, 3:10AM
(Recounting an older conversation...)
I told My Friend that I fall in love with the person, not the gender.  I can have the intellectual connection.  The emotional connection.  But not the sexual attraction.

The intimacy had been missing.  I'd never considered myself pan-, not really.  It was like a passing thought at the beginning of my growth.  A side note, or a last grasp at denial.

I have grown up so much in some ways.  Some moments have been truly terrifying; while others have left me breathless on a beautiful day.  Fresh air and sun on my face.  True inner peace as time slows down, even if just a tiny bit.

I want my violets.  To leave my messes and sorrow behind, and remind me where I've been.


December 1, 2013, 9:55PM
My fear is beginning to destroy one of my most precious escapes; sleep.  I find myself waking with a feeling of residual dread, distress.  This morning I awoke the same.  Waiting for the relief to settle in upon shaking my dreams, only to feel suspended in the negative emotions brought on by false realities.

I began my slumber with such sweet memories, only to be drug down into a pit of despair upon waking.  The last dream was all but completely lucid as I struggled to rip myself from it.  That I did not feel the immediate relief rushing in instantly created a doubt so great that I was afraid to sleep any more, lest the dream continued like a bad sequel.

I was being chased, and attached in my own home.  I could still feel a sense of fatigue after waking up.  The mob of young adults, just outside my door, waiting to do me harm.  My bed and sleep no longer a safe haven.  It was so vivid.  I was safe no where until the game ended.  My dog was also afraid as she was being threatened, and I could do nothing to comfort or protect her.

My nightmares are escalating, and if there is any hope of a restful nights sleep, I need to figure out why.

Sleep is a realm dictated by our self consciousness.  A place where phrases like "where our wildest dreams come true," come from.  But more often than not, it is a place where my fears run ramped.  Where I am running or falling, or my teeth crumble from my mouth.  Or worse yet, where a person has died, and I wake to find it to be true.

Although sleep is typically a source of comfort for me, i have always been plagued by my dreams.  My once recurring nightmare has ceased, but at what cost?  What it has been replaced with is the unknown.  And though it was never lucid, it was familiar.  What good is a lucid dream when my fear is too great to allow me to take control, or even wake myself up?


December 2, 2013, 12:25AM
I'm not sure what it is I am afraid of; what I'm running from.  I continue to transfer my fear from one silly thing to the next.


January 11, 2014, 1:15PM
There was no time to think, which is good because I wouldn't have been able to.  I already knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Her.

As I unwrapped and flipped open the pages of the book, I was stunned by what I found inside.  Surely this can't be a right, I thought.  It must be earrings.  But then she took the box from me, and got down on one knee.  I remember her holding my hand, ever so gently.  From her knelt position, looking up into my eyes, I was brought out of my daze.  African Violet, will you marry me?  My own ears didn't recognize the words.  It probably felt like an eternity as the word tumbled from my lips.  YES!

On the year anniversary of the day we met, the love of my life asked me to spend the rest of it with her.


January 15, 2104, 12:12PM
I worry that the more planning or thinking about getting married I do, the more of a chance I will end up with cold feet.  I don't want to start panicking and sabotage everything just because I'm scared.


January 18, 2014, 7:36PM
I'm afraid to move because I will be leaving what feels safe.  I will be leaving my support system; willingly.  Making new friends and trusting is hard.  And I love my siblings..


February 1, 2014, 7:36PM
I have seen you make so many of the same mistakes that I have, and have done nothing to stop you.  (In regards to my Little Sister, and how I feel responsible for the pain I may have been able to prevent.)


February 17, 2014, 8:34PM
Hard to love, not undeserving of love.

March 22, 2104, 12:04PM
I know I don't always explain myself.  In fact, I rarely do.  But I need this.  For me.  To concur my fears.  To grow up.  And I know you're scared.  And hurting.  But it's not fair the way you are making me feel.  I know you think you're doing me a favor by not telling me how you fell, but you're not.  (In regards to my Big Sister, and her passive-agressive behavior about me moving.)


March 24, 2014, 10:36PM
I feel like my family either won't tell me they don't agree with my choices, for whatever reasons, or lack selflessness to support them.  Either way, I feel alienated.


April 13, 2014, 8:33PM
Either balls up and tell me you think I'm making the wrong decision, or stop trying to make me feel badly for chasing my happiness!


April 19, 2014, 2:03AM
The perception I hold of myself is skewed by irrational thoughts; insecurities that I have yet to reconcile.  An unbalance in my soul.


May 11, 2014, 12:19AM
You talk about how you love that I am a classy lady.  The way we behaved in front of the Girls the first time you met them, portrayed otherwise.  Being a lesbian shouldn't make us any more desirable because of it.  It IS normal.  Not something special to be paraded.  I am proud of who I am.  And I am becoming a strong woman.  One who does not compromise her values.  I want to be treated with respect and not objectified in front of others.  I know you find me beautiful, and want to show me off, but sometimes, it makes me feel only the heat of the limelight, and the color rushing to my cheeks.


June 30, 2014, 4:47PM
You take my breath away.
My heart skip a beat.
My palms sweat.
My knees weak.
You bring the butterflies to life in my stomach.
No one else makes my heart race and slow down, all at the same time, like you do.


July 26, 2014, 3:06AM
Haste makes waste.
Burns my britches!
Now, I'm hot!
Wives, submit to your husbands.
Love a cheerful giver.
We are the peacemakers.
Do not take delight in the misfortune of others.
Do not rob others of the opportunity to bless you.


-Mom


August 2, 2014, 8:20AM
I have been defining myself by the things that have happened to me.  The ways I've changed after living each situation.  The character I've built.  Who I have become, because of it.

I'm not so sure that's how it should be...

Entry Number 30: A Homework Assignment

What started out as a homework assignment to organize my chores and grocery list, ended up with thoughts spilling out of my head and onto the white board.  Here is a sequential product of my ramblings:

"Coming out has probably been the biggest blocking block I have overcome in the mountain climb I feel against my anxiety.

You are right in the middle of my beautiful mess.  You have been part of my break through.  I love you so much more, and will love you all of my days because of that.  

You inspire me to change.  To be a better person.  To grow.  I love you because I respect you, and I admire you.  Because I am not afraid when I am with you.  

I found my center last October.  I balanced on my own.  I found my inner peace.  The moments of complete calm I have had since, have given rise to new meaning.  I know what it is to be happy, and know in my heart that it is possible.  I know happiness can be a reality.  I accept that.  

The joy I feel when I am with You is all the sweeter because I have finally learned to make myself happy.

Still, a continued battle, but a truth I have seen with my eyes and felt in my soul.  A year ago I felt a drive burn hot with new will to live, not just exist.  I was blessed for being brave.  For choosing to own my happiness.

scatter brained

shambolic

channeled

distracted

focused

lost

melancholy"

A little rough around the edges, but honest.  God, I miss indulging..  I miss the clarity.

Entry Number 29: A Trip to the Mailbox

October 23, 2013

Per usual, I have allowed my stress to manifest physically.  My body is waving red flags trying to get me to take notice.  I've got it!  Loud and clear!  I've been staying sober, and it took me until to today to realize that I think its part of the reason my anxiety is more elevated than normal...  

I've become dizzy in a whirlpool tug of my thoughts.  Become swept up in the current, and carried downstream.  I choose to see the daisies, and the soft grass as I float by, and remind myself that it is the happy thoughts, the sweet memories we make along the way.  Life can be so beautiful if we just take the time to see it.  There is so much good, all around me, even in the ebb and flow of my journey.

On my Friend's prompting, I began looking at how I was.  Really.  I am busy, stretched thin, stressed out, but okay.  Its been hard to settle back into the daily grind after traveling, and my sleep cycle is off.  The jeep has needed work more than once, and has needed towing, and repair.  I've made headway with the counter tops, but there is still lots to do, and its becoming overwhelming again.  I'm trying to stay connected with family and friends, take care of my dog, my girlfriend, and myself.  

Against the inner rage of a brewing storm, I remain peaceful, calm, on the out side.  The mask of indifference I've grown accustomed to wearing.  To break the silence would be to betray the need for tranquility that I can now see has only been a facade.  My body's physical distress has once again become a testament to the truth of my inner conflict.  I continue to make the same mistakes over, and over again, because I have still not learned to recognize the signs of my stress.

I was checking the mail tonight and found myself lost in thought.  Somewhere before or after a shower, and after indulging, I briefly remembered my thought, only to become distracted again.  

The next thing I remember was that I was getting the pets water, and then I saw that the kitchen window was uncovered..  I filled up the water jug, and then put away the clean dishes.  I forgot to look for a cover in the same trip.

So I went back.  I checked the linen closet for something to cover it with.  To be honest I got stuck there for a while.  The bathroom curtain would be perfect!  But I couldn't find something to take its place.  And also, I realized I shouldn't be standing on the counter naked!  

And that reminded me of my earlier thought!

When I was checking the mail, in the beginning, I realized that by moving,  I will be leaving the one place that has been safe for me as an adult.  I felt comfortable being alone, in my home, naked, with the windows open.  But somewhere between the mailbox and the house, I had a second thought that I should be more careful.  A specific tug that I've felt before, and caused me to notice the kitchen window!  There's your sign!  My old demon of fear, trying to creep back in.  But I refuse to give in.  Refuse to feed a weakness I have tried so hard to free myself from.

As I made my way to the mail box, I realized that I had been worrying again, so I realigned my thoughts.  I realized that even though I am consciously deciding to leave my home, a place where I can rest easy, and recharge, I know I will be okay.  I will miss the sound of the trains, but I will be okay.  She has my heart, and I know that I can make a new home with Her.  She is my happy thought, my safe place.  

Note Number Seven: Actions Speak Louder Than Words

I gave myself a deadline; September 28th.  I couldn't let another month go by giving into unhealthy behavior, keeping her waiting, taking advantage of her patience.  September 18th/19th proved to be an amazing day.  For a while now, I had been struggling with somethings that I didn't quite know how to reconcile, or even fully understand.  I couldn't figure out why it was such a big deal, or what was fueling my inaction.

We were laying in bed and I found myself becoming distracted by one of my happiest moments.  I can't say what triggered the memory, but I found myself being whisked away as if in a dream.  I was once again falling asleep in Her bed at the townhouse.  And as clear as day, I heard her whisper that she loved me.  Even if I wanted to, I am unable to recall this event without being filled with joy.  It was the simplicity that I remember most.  Everything else fell away as I could truly feel the emotion in her words.  The truth escaping from her lips and permeating my mind like sunshine warming my skin.

It is one of the clearest memories of total bliss I have.  She is my favorite person.  My happy thought. I knew at that moment, the time was right, and I couldn't let the opportunity pass me by.  It was high time she felt the reciprocation She'd been longing for.

My only regret is that it took me so long to show her that her needs are are important to me.  That they are more important than my fears, my insecurities.