As a child, I learned to measure love by success. Always hoping to be good enough. Get good grades, be a good friend, take responsibilities for my actions, love one another. To be Godly.
I often wonder if Mom was like Eli. Taken from this Earth, so he didn't have to witness the wickedness of his children. Because God knew it would be too much. That it would break her heart.
I've wondered if of my sexual exploration has been influenced by my vulnerability. If it makes sense that I give into temptation simply because I am weak?
But that's silly. I'm not a wicked person because of who I love.
Throughout time, its the stories we remember. The names that paint our history; names of old that were passed down in song. We all want to be remembered. It seems so insignificant. Life is too short to be concerned about what people will remember us for. And yet, in some way, I think each and every one of us carry that knowledge. What will we do with it?
What will my parents legacy be? How will they be remembered? What will be their biggest successes? That is what I aspired to. To make my parents proud. Show them that the hard work and effort they put into being parents would pay off. I just wanted them to be proud of me. To love me.
As an adult, I am learning to change my aspirations. Life isn't about making our parents proud. Sure, thats a part of if, but its about being a good person. Loving each other, building each other up. Showing respect and admiration for what is good. Celebrating life! Being thankful for the little things. I want to shine my light and be a source of good in the world.
I continue to struggle with my self worth. Still unable to accept love because I do not love myself. Still worried that I'm just not good enough. What good have I put out into the world? Who have I helped? What will I be remembered for?
I can see goodness reflected in my Sister's love. Really all of my siblings. They've known me longer than anyone, and they love me. They are good people, and they celebrate life, and love, and goodness. They are part of my measurement of good, because they are good. They have helped mold me into the person I am.
I can't help but to look back on all our failures, and believe me, we are far from perfect. We all try our best to be good people every day, though. Our good outweighs the bad. The world is a better place because we are a part of it. Our successes are due to hard work and perseverance, even when presented with obstacles. We are strong, have good values, and we love fiercely.
We are blessed to have not only our biological family, but the families we've chosen, and who have chosen us. Everyone goes through life touching lives. I hope to make my interactions positive. I hope to leave behind joy, and love, and kindness. My quest is changing; life should not be stagnant. We should all strive to be better, each and every day.
My Mom used to tell us that if you struggle with something, God will give you opportunities to practice, and get better at it. For me, it has always been patience. Funny that my customers should compliment me on something I strive daily to maintain. God sure does have a sense of humor. I'll keep working at it. But I figure its not that God will stop presenting opportunities, its just that once we accomplish the skill set, it will have become second nature, and time to move on to something else.
No comments:
Post a Comment