Note Number One: Moment of Clarity

I noticed today that I am slipping back into old habits.  My clarity, fading to the background.  I felt today like I stay with him because he is safe.  He is home for me.  I'm addicted to security.  Starting to feel trapped again.

Entry Number 11: Deja Vu

I worry that if I truly examine my relationship with Him, I will see all the things wrong with it, and begin to doubt. I've always had doubts.  It's like deja vu all over again.  This is definitely a case of it's not you, it's me.  Not to say He's perfect, because no one is.  Just that He's a good person.  He deserves better than this.


I feel selfish for trying to keep him with me.  It's not fair to either of us if my heart isn't it anymore.  I'm afraid to be alone.  I was reading a previous entry, and thought I should update a list.


Five Levels of Truth

1. I am not straight.
2. We need a break.
3. My Mentor.
4. Tell Him.
5. Tell Family.

It was a good reminder that I've already acknowledged that we need a break.  I shouldn't be surprised I'm having doubts at this point.  I just don't what this to end.  I don't want to step out into the unknown by myself.  I've done a great job of alienating myself, and not keeping close friends.  I don't know what's with the distance.  Never really thought about it either...

Why am I so scared all the time? !?  GGGggrrrrrrRRR!  I want to be brave and stop making excuses for myself.  I have the worst follow through ever...

mood:  defeated; trapped.

Entry Number 10: My Indifference

I feel like there is no medium.  Either I'm stricken the gut wrenching, raw emotion, or it's lurking just below the surface.  Just far enough out of reach that I can almost forget.  When it's in the forefront of my mind, there's no ignoring it.  But the latter only reinforces the denial.  I want so badly to be clear about what I feel.  

So I told Him.  I just knew I was going to blurt it out, so when we finally had a minute alone, I just told.  Short, sweet, to the point, and honest.  I can't picture my life without him, but I'm confused, and don't know what I want.  That I don't want to feel this way, but that I need to find myself.  I have to start living for me.

And like a cloud on a windy day, the weight of my burden was lifted, and began floating away.  So here I find myself in my current state.  Indifferent.  Knowing I can't just let it slip away, forgotten to long ago, and far away. 

I want to enjoy the peace.  Continue finding myself.  I've been playing the piano, gardening, fall cleaning.  But I've done my best to take my Professor's advise, and to slow down.  Whether it is a cool drink of water, pretending it's my first drink, or while putting away the dishes that I count myself grateful to have my own dishes to keep.  And thinking about my dog all day long while wishing I could come home.

Something had got to give.  I still feel lost in all of this.  Happier, but still confused.

 

Entry Number 9: An Ahhah Moment

My arms are shaking, like shivering in the cold, but it's 72 in the house.  The more I try to warm myself, the colder I feel, until I climb up under a blanket.  Slowly, I start to beat my bout of shaking.  Ive never known if it was from being two messed up, or a panic attack.  It was after I met Grace that I knew what I was really running from, the damnation to hell.  That was my connection, and why she felt safe.  My best friend was too precious to lose, she felt like home.  And I loved her.  Not like that, she was my friend.  I would have been so embarrassed to tell her.

I just feel doomed to be alone.  Today I had an ahhah moment when trying to rationalize both sides of my heart.  It felt like my head would explode.

And then, I remembered to find my center, I thought about all the beautiful things around me, and noticed strangely I was surprisingly, in the most relaxing place in the house.  My bathroom.  My mother always said never to bother her while she was in the bathroom.  She wanted a minute of peace, she said.

So I found my peace.  The safe, quiet, peaceful, feel of the bathroom.  And if that is bad enough, to this day, I have to find my center to use public bathrooms, and imagine I'm home.  But to do that, I find the quiet within. 

Days like today, and now, I could let  it all fall away.  Me and my dog, against the world.  My subcutaneous wants this out so bad, I feel like I'm out to sabotage myself.  I really just want to be a good person, without living a lie.  I feel like my shoulders are bent with the weight of my burden.  From all of it.

It brings back the feeling of coldness.  Seeping into my hands, crawling up through my arms.  Numbing me from the inside out.  Alas, it is Sunday, and back to sobriety.  But today, I can let it all slip away, one last time.  To stand sit tall =:) I feel good.  Better than good.  On top of my bed!!  Hehehe.  

I just want to do me now.  I feel like Ive regressed because this is the same way I felt four years ago....  Unhappy, doing things I don't want to do, burnt out, ready to crash, wanting to just leave it all behind and run away.

And there it is again!  Just run away.  Why do I always feel like I'm running?  I have to find my inner peace.  It starts with me, and I am struggling with me.  It sounds so put together in my head, I just don't know if I can let it out.  Once I tell Him, there is no going back, either way.  Even if He stays, it will never be the same.

Here I go worrying about someone else again.  Find my center.  I am afraid to open up my mind, to still my mind, because of what She has told me.  I am on the forefront of a battle, facing down my own demons.  I feel unprepared, Terrified of the outcome.  I have to come to grips with this.  I still wish this was just all a bad dream.  That I would wake up with my faith restored in my borrowed beliefs.  That God loves me, and that I wasn't afraid all the time.

Right now I just feel like a whiny bitch.  Life isn't supposed to be easy, I can't blame others because I'm not prepared.  I have to figure it out on my own.  I should be good at it by now, right?  I always thought of myself as a late bloomer; I guess I never realized how true that was.  

Without the raw emotion of it, I at least have a hopes of it slipping back away.  But as the same with my Mother, ignoring the fact that shes gone does not make it untrue.  Man I just need to live a little!!  Why does this seem so hard.

So back to my subconscious wanting this out.  I asked my sister for a bar review for a lesbian bar, then went out with my old Roommate and her girlfriend.  That was a huge leap of faith on my part.  I had a really good time.  The next day, I nursed my hang over and went to a novelty party to splurge.  Followed by tonight when I got blitzed and was forced to reunite with what I'm trying to suppress.  Gahh the implications of it all.....  

Things have been set in motion like a ripple in a pond.  One way or another, I'm going to be forced to face this.  The conflict is almost to much to bear.  It's all built up, ready to spill over, but I won't let it go!

And I have to go back to the bathroom.  Find my inner peace, see the beauty that is in my life.  My family, and Dog, my house.  My education. My genuine love for others.  Maybe my best quality, other than my eyes **kidding of course** and it is my greatest weakness.  

I have let others walk all over me, leave me at rock bottom, and laying in the dirt.  I thought I had learned my lesson.  That it was time to live for myself, not what others want for me.  To break the bondage I willingly accepted.  And here I am again; a little older, but still causing my own pain.  I am the only one in my way.  I just haven't accepted that yet.  

Why am I so afraid?  I need to focus not on the problem, but the solution.  Over coming my fear.  Yes old friend, we meet again.  From driving to roller coasters, employment to college.  Facing my fears and finding discerning my character when my back is against the wall.  I'm tired of being a doormat, and want to stand up for myself and what's good for me.  I haven't accepted the right way yet.  The way of truth.  I want to like the person I see in the mirror.  But I don't.  I don't even know who she is.  

In hopes to find out, I am turning to creativity.  I've ordered some new sheet music and will continue to cope through music.  Wish me luck.