As a child, I learned to measure love by success. Always hoping to be good enough. Get good grades, be a good friend, take responsibilities for my actions, love one another. To be Godly.
I often wonder if Mom was like Eli. Taken from this Earth, so he didn't have to witness the wickedness of his children. Because God knew it would be too much. That it would break her heart.
I've wondered if of my sexual exploration has been influenced by my vulnerability. If it makes sense that I give into temptation simply because I am weak?
But that's silly. I'm not a wicked person because of who I love.
Throughout time, its the stories we remember. The names that paint our history; names of old that were passed down in song. We all want to be remembered. It seems so insignificant. Life is too short to be concerned about what people will remember us for. And yet, in some way, I think each and every one of us carry that knowledge. What will we do with it?
What will my parents legacy be? How will they be remembered? What will be their biggest successes? That is what I aspired to. To make my parents proud. Show them that the hard work and effort they put into being parents would pay off. I just wanted them to be proud of me. To love me.
As an adult, I am learning to change my aspirations. Life isn't about making our parents proud. Sure, thats a part of if, but its about being a good person. Loving each other, building each other up. Showing respect and admiration for what is good. Celebrating life! Being thankful for the little things. I want to shine my light and be a source of good in the world.
I continue to struggle with my self worth. Still unable to accept love because I do not love myself. Still worried that I'm just not good enough. What good have I put out into the world? Who have I helped? What will I be remembered for?
I can see goodness reflected in my Sister's love. Really all of my siblings. They've known me longer than anyone, and they love me. They are good people, and they celebrate life, and love, and goodness. They are part of my measurement of good, because they are good. They have helped mold me into the person I am.
I can't help but to look back on all our failures, and believe me, we are far from perfect. We all try our best to be good people every day, though. Our good outweighs the bad. The world is a better place because we are a part of it. Our successes are due to hard work and perseverance, even when presented with obstacles. We are strong, have good values, and we love fiercely.
We are blessed to have not only our biological family, but the families we've chosen, and who have chosen us. Everyone goes through life touching lives. I hope to make my interactions positive. I hope to leave behind joy, and love, and kindness. My quest is changing; life should not be stagnant. We should all strive to be better, each and every day.
My Mom used to tell us that if you struggle with something, God will give you opportunities to practice, and get better at it. For me, it has always been patience. Funny that my customers should compliment me on something I strive daily to maintain. God sure does have a sense of humor. I'll keep working at it. But I figure its not that God will stop presenting opportunities, its just that once we accomplish the skill set, it will have become second nature, and time to move on to something else.
Sunday, July 26, 2015
Thursday, July 9, 2015
Entry Number 33: Troubleshooting with Lesbians
My last call of the day was from Danni, a 23 year old from Canada. During a break in our troubleshooting, she asked me where I was from, and not knowing the country, I explained it was on the east coast. She asked if I was happy about the SCOTUS ruling on marriage equality. Effortlessly, I gushed that I was, and had been married to my wife since February. She all but screamed in my ear, "YOU'RE GAY?!?! That's soooooo cool! So am I! I can't wait to tell my girlfriend! That just made my day!" I was tickled pink, and wonder if she could tell that she also made my night.
Its easy to forget just how present others in the LGBT community are. You can't just tell by the way someone speaks, or the way they treat others. I remember troubleshooting with an older lady one day, and naturally she said that she was having the same problem on her wife's machine. I was taken aback, and felt blessed that she could so comfortably say "such a thing" without worry.
I remember speaking with Mark, from Texas. A flight attendant who did have a suspiciously obvious tone when speaking. After troubleshooting for more than an hour, I said something to the affect of my wife, this or that. He said "Girl! We could be sisters!!" and proceeded to tell me about past relationships and new love interests. As it turns out, we found common ground in our love for Latin partners.
I guess what I'm getting at, is that today was a good day. I still find myself wandering through the dismal times, and when I least expect it, a fabulous ray of sunshine breaks through the darkness. Today was a good day. I am grateful for the reminder that I am not alone. I have found that sometimes, connecting with a stranger can be more rewarding for the simple fact that it is so utterly unexpected.
Its easy to forget just how present others in the LGBT community are. You can't just tell by the way someone speaks, or the way they treat others. I remember troubleshooting with an older lady one day, and naturally she said that she was having the same problem on her wife's machine. I was taken aback, and felt blessed that she could so comfortably say "such a thing" without worry.
I remember speaking with Mark, from Texas. A flight attendant who did have a suspiciously obvious tone when speaking. After troubleshooting for more than an hour, I said something to the affect of my wife, this or that. He said "Girl! We could be sisters!!" and proceeded to tell me about past relationships and new love interests. As it turns out, we found common ground in our love for Latin partners.
I guess what I'm getting at, is that today was a good day. I still find myself wandering through the dismal times, and when I least expect it, a fabulous ray of sunshine breaks through the darkness. Today was a good day. I am grateful for the reminder that I am not alone. I have found that sometimes, connecting with a stranger can be more rewarding for the simple fact that it is so utterly unexpected.
Entry Number 32: A Place to Begin
I've wanted to write for a while. Needless to say, I've been blocked for quite some time. Not only have I not been able to write, but books haven't been able to hold my attention either. Little notes here and there have kept me sane, but the words are stuck; just stuck. So bottle necked, I can't think straight most of the time.
19 August 2014
01:57AM
"Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart."
-Steve Jobs
"I'm bored" is a useless thing to say. I mea, you live in a great, big, vast world that you've seen none percent of. Even the inside of your own mind is endless; it goes on forever, inwardly, do you understand? The fact that you're alive is amazing, so you don't get to say "I'm bored."
-Louis CK
"This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness."
-Dalai Lama
"The good thing about science is that it's true whether or not you believe in it."
-Neil deGrasse Tyson
"You'll be fine. You're 25. Feeling unsure and lost is part of your path. Don't avoid it. See what those feelings are showing you and use it. Take a breath. You'll be okay. Even if you don't feel okay all the time."
-Louis CK
"You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life."
-Winston Churchill
"So avoid using the word 'very' because it's lazy. A man is not very tired, he is exhausted. Don't use very sad, use morose. Language was invented for one reason, boys - to woo women - and, in that endeavor, laziness will not do. It also won't do in your essays."
-Robin Williams
"Live a good life. If there are gods, and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of you loved ones."
-Marcus Aurelius
"Write drunk. Edit sober."
-Ernest Hemingway
23 August 2014
01:44
"There is something intimate about a blanket. It cuddles me."
-My Love
05 September 2014
02:10
I'm not usually this brash about anything, but I think with my sexuality, a part of me has to be. I need it to be big and loud and in my face to remind me. To not become complacent.
I feel static. Still not making an effort to love me. Becoming all but immediately bored with my therapist. Who am I kidding? She didn't dump me. I fed her what she wanted and got out of there. Exit strategy. Not to say there was no gain, but I digress.
Thoughts pushing to escape like an over filled balloon. Bursting at my seems, but still trap by the threads of my mind.
I'm going stir crazy and there's not enough to rearrange this time. It's too soon. I couldn't have changed the bedroom more than two months ago.
I feel left behind and it's only getting worse! Trying to carve out my own way has so far been less than successful.
I want to love who I am. It is something I will probably always fight with. And with this attitude, it's no wonder...
My mood is affecting my sex life, and therefore that of my partners. It's only a matter of time before she realizes I'm slipping. Or have slipped? I'm not sure what counts at this point.
Alice said it best: "I give very good advice, but very seldom take it."
Listening to: Calm Playlist
Artist: Air Planes
Song: Wish Right Now
19 September 2014
03:32
Intimacy is extraordinarily hard for me. Even still, I have the primal instinct to run away when I open up too much. It scares the shit out of me.
Routine sex is boring to me. I can't let myself go there. Can't allow myself to look at it that way. Can't sabotage this.
What has been said, can never be unsaid.
27 September 2014
19:21
"When you don't have insecurities and aren't worrying about someone stepping out on their own, you can have a relationship like [My Mentor] and [Her Husband]."
-Little Sister
16 November 2014
13:17
For the same reason she cut him out of our lives, I am afraid I will have to do the same. Only this time, I will be on the other side of religion.
17 November 2014
23:32
My world's been rocked. My resolve shaken.. The book that tore us apart before, may be doing it again. Only this time, I'm on the other side of it. I didn't want to cry. I can accept that they won't come, but to lost them, that would most surely tear out a piece of my heart.
My Brother's personal belief does not coincide with what he now sees as truth. It appeared to cause him sadness to see me in pain, thought I tried my best to conceal it.
20 November 2014
16:50
Sometimes I am just scared. What if I'm wrong? But I always, always, end up sabotaging my happiness.. Or do I? Until now, I don't know that I've ever been truly happy.
22 November 2014
16:32
"Your sins will take you farther than you ever thought you'd go."
-Ms. Maggie
15 January 2015
00:37
I stopped going to my therapist because I wanted to be done. She did tell me she thought I didn't need to come back unless I wanted to, thought. I never lied to her, but I did tell her what I wanted her to know, and what she wanted to hear.
20 January2015
01:32
I'm searching for answers. Answers to questions I have yet to ask. Questions I don't know how to ask. I am wandering. Lost; without direction.
25 January 2015
00:24
You say you want me to be an asshole, but you don't like it when it's turned on you. Sound familiar? I don't get it. You can be blunt and my feelings shouldn't get hurt, but you can pick and choose? And then refuse to talk to me about it? I shouldn't be so sensitive about things, but you won't even tell me you're feelings are hurt or accept my apology. You won't just say you think I'm wrong.
You want me to open up and tell you what I'm thinking, but you don't really want to know. You can't see passed your feelings to see the wall that I have up, but when you smack into it face first from running, you wonder why you bleed. I never intended to take my pound of flesh. I couldn't internalize my feelings either, so I was abrupt, but effectively ended the discussion.
You wanted me to understand that you didn't want to talk about it anymore, but you couldn't see what I thought was about as clear a sign you will ever get from me to back off. You just couldn't stop trying to explain and justify what you said. Why couldn't you see how fruitless your efforts were and just stop?
Why do you get to be upset over me getting upset at so meting you said wrong? Regardless of what you thought, it was wrong. And that I got THAT defensive over NOTHING didn't tip you off that you should stop?
My heart's stopped pounding in my ears, and I can breath again, even if momentarily to steal my nerves.
Ahhhh. Writing is therapeutic, and my crutch makes it come easily.
Its what we have together when we're on the same wave length.
Am I subconsciously pushing you away? Is that really what's happening here?
You know, you've told more than once that only being around your mom and sister for so long taught you that you didn't need a filter, and so sometimes you may say things that aren't okay to say. This was on of those times.
01 February 2015
20:34
I'm about to embark on an exciting chapter in my life. There's just one thing holding me back. I'm wandering off the path. I don't have a beacon to be my guide.
06 February 2015
01:48
To My Mentor
I want you to know that I hold you in high regard. I've been struggling with some things and have considered the belief of those I look up to. I have a great deal of respect for you.
09 March 2015
21:10
I'm excited but I'm afraid.
18 March 2015
20:56
This space will be good for me. It will probably hurt like hell, but it will be so worth it.
4 April 2015
7:58
I feel like the conversation is mute at this point. I don't know whether you are trying to persuade me on this or not, but going back and forth like this isn't going to do that. It's disheartening because I feel like the only time you really try to engage with me anymore is over my sexuality (albeit indirectly). I lost you once over religion, but never thought it would happen again. Especially from opposite sides. Just didn't see it coming. I think what makes it even worse is that you were one of the first people I came to with this, and you were supportive to say the least.
I'm not the authority on sexuality, and even though we can both find examples to support our bias, I just don't see us agreeing on this one. Contrary to what you may think, my actions are not a deliberate attack on Christianity. I did not choose to feel the things that I do. The only choice I've made is to act on those feelings.
Pretending to be straight would be living a lie. I've already tried that, and I can't see many things worse than that. I suppose remaining celibate would be a better option to some, but if a deed is in your heart, its no different than committing the act. And THAT is according to the Bible.
I refuse to be my own prisoner. I will not be held hostage by my mind. I'm don't feeling lonely and repressed. I'm done trying to ignore what I feel. I've never felt the need to justify my feelings or actions to anyone. No straight person ever has to justify their attractions. What goes on in anyone's bedroom should be the business of those involved and those only.
I'm not looking for approval. in fact, I'm not looking of anything more than I've always received. I just want to be treated like I always have, with the love, respect, and support of those I care about.
I know you and Dad think I'm wrong. You are entitled to your convictions, as am I. I appreciate your concern for me. I really do. I know that if you didn't care, than you wouldn't waste your time, and that does mean something to me. It's just starting to feel, that like dad, all you see is my gayness. Or at least that's the only thing worth discussing about my life. But I am so much more than my sexuality.
I can't remember a time when I've felt better adjusted than I do now, and I refuse to turn my back on that progress. I watched Mom spiral down into a place of utter despair, and even what I consider for most, a well concealed madness. She was lost to her beliefs, and I refuse to follow down that same path.
It hurts that some of the people I care for most are unable to rejoice in my happiness. I believe in letting people make their own decisions. Just like I'm not trying to convince Dad to be okay with my marriage, or come to my wedding. I want you both to be there, but trying to force you into going isn't going to make anyone happy in the end.
You are both so stuck on the gay thing, that neither of you even bother asking how I am, or what I've been up to. you don't care about all the good things that are going on with us, or how excited we are for the life we are building together. In fact, I can't remember the last time either of you even called me. It just hurts.
***To be fair, neither my Brother or my Dad (or myself, for that matter) are good at keeping in touch. I may have lost it a bit and went off on a tangent. Sometimes its hard to real it back in when I'm emotional. I did have to go back and apologize. He didn't deserve to be verbally attacked that way. Not this time, anyway ;)
04 April 2014
14:33
Days like today make me afraid. They remind me that life is short, and that you never know when it's going to come to an end. I'm reminded of that every time I think about my mom's abrupt demise. And how stress consumes the body.
It's true what they say about a name. There are days when I fit mine to a T (Ha! That wasn't even intentional)! I don't want to doubt myself, but I am so often crippled by fear.
And I'm so afraid sometimes that I'm wrong. I've ben shutting everyone out. Sometimes I'm easily influenced and this is something I just cannot afford to waver on.
I've been isolating myself. For a while, actually. I don't remember when it started, but I've been shutting everyone out again. Including me. Just twisting inward; tighter and tighter. Spiraling deeper inside my shell. Shielded by the wall.
I have to be able to stand on my own two feet with this. I have to know what I believe. What I truly believe. Other wise, I will continue to find myself lost in the turmoil.
"Your sin will take you farther than you ever thought you'd go." I hear it ringing in my ears.
"People will believe a lie because they want it to be true, or because they are afraid it's true." I just haven't figured out which lie I'm believing.
30 April 2015
01:25
Selling the house was like saying goodbye to something that was holding me back. Closing the door on so many memories, both good and bad. The parties, the lonely heartache, the nights I prayed "If we could just get through it." All left behind. A clean slate, and a chance to move on from so much pain.
10 May 2015
15:50
I'm trying to find a balance between morality and Christianity. I need find my way back to peace. Church so completely screwed my view of reality, that I am no longer a religious person, but still relentlessly bound to it.
10 May 2105
18:15
At 18:12 I was thinking about taking exit 80 6A to switch from I-95 to I-26. I was at exit 96.
22 May 2015
02:01
Patti O Furniture with a Hippie. Eating sea food with an awesome friend. Smiling for no reason. Excited to be living life. The possibility of new life. She's starting over, I'm beginning anew. Different places in life's journey, but growing and free! It feels good to be young. It feels good to smile. I'm in a good place, and we had an awesome two days together, experiencing the city. Drinking up all if has to offer. A tourist in my own town. Watching the sun rise, going to the beach. Eating good food. It puts a new perspective to gay and merry! I was happy tonight, and surrounded by so much of it, and it didn't feel wrong. I wasn't nervous; or afraid. I was earring comfortable clothes and flip flops.
She wants me to work restaurants and be free like she is. We shared truths and laughs and anger. Growth and pain. We drove over bridges and squirmed about babies, and saw the sun rise. Ate shellfish, drank cocktails, and hollered for drag queens. We met knew people, paid for parking, and jumped a curb.
We both took a much needed vacation, including a sun burn, and several naps. We promised to keep in touch. I hope we do. I need a friend.
My Buddy's in trouble. I'm afraid for him, because I can't protect him.
05 June 2015
08:14
During my last few days here, I've seen a boy riding a skateboard down St. James towards Rivers. For some reason, he's given me hope. I saw him again this morning, and could barely contain my tears as I realized it was the last time I would see him.
24 June 2015
14:30
Happy life.
Love my wife.
Rescuing turtles.
Jumping life's hurdles.
Counting blessings twice,
And good memories thrice.
Learning to put Coast Guard first.
Missing loved ones is the worst.
New adventures will begin,
But good friendships never end.
Moving is a must,
So enjoying wanderlust.
Always and forever,
We will be together.
19 August 2014
01:57AM
"Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart."
-Steve Jobs
"I'm bored" is a useless thing to say. I mea, you live in a great, big, vast world that you've seen none percent of. Even the inside of your own mind is endless; it goes on forever, inwardly, do you understand? The fact that you're alive is amazing, so you don't get to say "I'm bored."
-Louis CK
"This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness."
-Dalai Lama
"The good thing about science is that it's true whether or not you believe in it."
-Neil deGrasse Tyson
"You'll be fine. You're 25. Feeling unsure and lost is part of your path. Don't avoid it. See what those feelings are showing you and use it. Take a breath. You'll be okay. Even if you don't feel okay all the time."
-Louis CK
"You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life."
-Winston Churchill
"So avoid using the word 'very' because it's lazy. A man is not very tired, he is exhausted. Don't use very sad, use morose. Language was invented for one reason, boys - to woo women - and, in that endeavor, laziness will not do. It also won't do in your essays."
-Robin Williams
"Live a good life. If there are gods, and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of you loved ones."
-Marcus Aurelius
"Write drunk. Edit sober."
-Ernest Hemingway
23 August 2014
01:44
"There is something intimate about a blanket. It cuddles me."
-My Love
05 September 2014
02:10
I'm not usually this brash about anything, but I think with my sexuality, a part of me has to be. I need it to be big and loud and in my face to remind me. To not become complacent.
I feel static. Still not making an effort to love me. Becoming all but immediately bored with my therapist. Who am I kidding? She didn't dump me. I fed her what she wanted and got out of there. Exit strategy. Not to say there was no gain, but I digress.
Thoughts pushing to escape like an over filled balloon. Bursting at my seems, but still trap by the threads of my mind.
I'm going stir crazy and there's not enough to rearrange this time. It's too soon. I couldn't have changed the bedroom more than two months ago.
I feel left behind and it's only getting worse! Trying to carve out my own way has so far been less than successful.
I want to love who I am. It is something I will probably always fight with. And with this attitude, it's no wonder...
My mood is affecting my sex life, and therefore that of my partners. It's only a matter of time before she realizes I'm slipping. Or have slipped? I'm not sure what counts at this point.
Alice said it best: "I give very good advice, but very seldom take it."
Listening to: Calm Playlist
Artist: Air Planes
Song: Wish Right Now
19 September 2014
03:32
Intimacy is extraordinarily hard for me. Even still, I have the primal instinct to run away when I open up too much. It scares the shit out of me.
Routine sex is boring to me. I can't let myself go there. Can't allow myself to look at it that way. Can't sabotage this.
What has been said, can never be unsaid.
27 September 2014
19:21
"When you don't have insecurities and aren't worrying about someone stepping out on their own, you can have a relationship like [My Mentor] and [Her Husband]."
-Little Sister
16 November 2014
13:17
For the same reason she cut him out of our lives, I am afraid I will have to do the same. Only this time, I will be on the other side of religion.
17 November 2014
23:32
My world's been rocked. My resolve shaken.. The book that tore us apart before, may be doing it again. Only this time, I'm on the other side of it. I didn't want to cry. I can accept that they won't come, but to lost them, that would most surely tear out a piece of my heart.
My Brother's personal belief does not coincide with what he now sees as truth. It appeared to cause him sadness to see me in pain, thought I tried my best to conceal it.
20 November 2014
16:50
Sometimes I am just scared. What if I'm wrong? But I always, always, end up sabotaging my happiness.. Or do I? Until now, I don't know that I've ever been truly happy.
22 November 2014
16:32
"Your sins will take you farther than you ever thought you'd go."
-Ms. Maggie
15 January 2015
00:37
I stopped going to my therapist because I wanted to be done. She did tell me she thought I didn't need to come back unless I wanted to, thought. I never lied to her, but I did tell her what I wanted her to know, and what she wanted to hear.
20 January2015
01:32
I'm searching for answers. Answers to questions I have yet to ask. Questions I don't know how to ask. I am wandering. Lost; without direction.
25 January 2015
00:24
You say you want me to be an asshole, but you don't like it when it's turned on you. Sound familiar? I don't get it. You can be blunt and my feelings shouldn't get hurt, but you can pick and choose? And then refuse to talk to me about it? I shouldn't be so sensitive about things, but you won't even tell me you're feelings are hurt or accept my apology. You won't just say you think I'm wrong.
You want me to open up and tell you what I'm thinking, but you don't really want to know. You can't see passed your feelings to see the wall that I have up, but when you smack into it face first from running, you wonder why you bleed. I never intended to take my pound of flesh. I couldn't internalize my feelings either, so I was abrupt, but effectively ended the discussion.
You wanted me to understand that you didn't want to talk about it anymore, but you couldn't see what I thought was about as clear a sign you will ever get from me to back off. You just couldn't stop trying to explain and justify what you said. Why couldn't you see how fruitless your efforts were and just stop?
Why do you get to be upset over me getting upset at so meting you said wrong? Regardless of what you thought, it was wrong. And that I got THAT defensive over NOTHING didn't tip you off that you should stop?
My heart's stopped pounding in my ears, and I can breath again, even if momentarily to steal my nerves.
Ahhhh. Writing is therapeutic, and my crutch makes it come easily.
Its what we have together when we're on the same wave length.
Am I subconsciously pushing you away? Is that really what's happening here?
You know, you've told more than once that only being around your mom and sister for so long taught you that you didn't need a filter, and so sometimes you may say things that aren't okay to say. This was on of those times.
01 February 2015
20:34
I'm about to embark on an exciting chapter in my life. There's just one thing holding me back. I'm wandering off the path. I don't have a beacon to be my guide.
06 February 2015
01:48
To My Mentor
I want you to know that I hold you in high regard. I've been struggling with some things and have considered the belief of those I look up to. I have a great deal of respect for you.
09 March 2015
21:10
I'm excited but I'm afraid.
18 March 2015
20:56
This space will be good for me. It will probably hurt like hell, but it will be so worth it.
4 April 2015
7:58
I feel like the conversation is mute at this point. I don't know whether you are trying to persuade me on this or not, but going back and forth like this isn't going to do that. It's disheartening because I feel like the only time you really try to engage with me anymore is over my sexuality (albeit indirectly). I lost you once over religion, but never thought it would happen again. Especially from opposite sides. Just didn't see it coming. I think what makes it even worse is that you were one of the first people I came to with this, and you were supportive to say the least.
I'm not the authority on sexuality, and even though we can both find examples to support our bias, I just don't see us agreeing on this one. Contrary to what you may think, my actions are not a deliberate attack on Christianity. I did not choose to feel the things that I do. The only choice I've made is to act on those feelings.
Pretending to be straight would be living a lie. I've already tried that, and I can't see many things worse than that. I suppose remaining celibate would be a better option to some, but if a deed is in your heart, its no different than committing the act. And THAT is according to the Bible.
I refuse to be my own prisoner. I will not be held hostage by my mind. I'm don't feeling lonely and repressed. I'm done trying to ignore what I feel. I've never felt the need to justify my feelings or actions to anyone. No straight person ever has to justify their attractions. What goes on in anyone's bedroom should be the business of those involved and those only.
I'm not looking for approval. in fact, I'm not looking of anything more than I've always received. I just want to be treated like I always have, with the love, respect, and support of those I care about.
I know you and Dad think I'm wrong. You are entitled to your convictions, as am I. I appreciate your concern for me. I really do. I know that if you didn't care, than you wouldn't waste your time, and that does mean something to me. It's just starting to feel, that like dad, all you see is my gayness. Or at least that's the only thing worth discussing about my life. But I am so much more than my sexuality.
I can't remember a time when I've felt better adjusted than I do now, and I refuse to turn my back on that progress. I watched Mom spiral down into a place of utter despair, and even what I consider for most, a well concealed madness. She was lost to her beliefs, and I refuse to follow down that same path.
It hurts that some of the people I care for most are unable to rejoice in my happiness. I believe in letting people make their own decisions. Just like I'm not trying to convince Dad to be okay with my marriage, or come to my wedding. I want you both to be there, but trying to force you into going isn't going to make anyone happy in the end.
You are both so stuck on the gay thing, that neither of you even bother asking how I am, or what I've been up to. you don't care about all the good things that are going on with us, or how excited we are for the life we are building together. In fact, I can't remember the last time either of you even called me. It just hurts.
***To be fair, neither my Brother or my Dad (or myself, for that matter) are good at keeping in touch. I may have lost it a bit and went off on a tangent. Sometimes its hard to real it back in when I'm emotional. I did have to go back and apologize. He didn't deserve to be verbally attacked that way. Not this time, anyway ;)
04 April 2014
14:33
Days like today make me afraid. They remind me that life is short, and that you never know when it's going to come to an end. I'm reminded of that every time I think about my mom's abrupt demise. And how stress consumes the body.
It's true what they say about a name. There are days when I fit mine to a T (Ha! That wasn't even intentional)! I don't want to doubt myself, but I am so often crippled by fear.
And I'm so afraid sometimes that I'm wrong. I've ben shutting everyone out. Sometimes I'm easily influenced and this is something I just cannot afford to waver on.
I've been isolating myself. For a while, actually. I don't remember when it started, but I've been shutting everyone out again. Including me. Just twisting inward; tighter and tighter. Spiraling deeper inside my shell. Shielded by the wall.
I have to be able to stand on my own two feet with this. I have to know what I believe. What I truly believe. Other wise, I will continue to find myself lost in the turmoil.
"Your sin will take you farther than you ever thought you'd go." I hear it ringing in my ears.
"People will believe a lie because they want it to be true, or because they are afraid it's true." I just haven't figured out which lie I'm believing.
30 April 2015
01:25
Selling the house was like saying goodbye to something that was holding me back. Closing the door on so many memories, both good and bad. The parties, the lonely heartache, the nights I prayed "If we could just get through it." All left behind. A clean slate, and a chance to move on from so much pain.
10 May 2015
15:50
I'm trying to find a balance between morality and Christianity. I need find my way back to peace. Church so completely screwed my view of reality, that I am no longer a religious person, but still relentlessly bound to it.
10 May 2105
18:15
At 18:12 I was thinking about taking exit 80 6A to switch from I-95 to I-26. I was at exit 96.
22 May 2015
02:01
Patti O Furniture with a Hippie. Eating sea food with an awesome friend. Smiling for no reason. Excited to be living life. The possibility of new life. She's starting over, I'm beginning anew. Different places in life's journey, but growing and free! It feels good to be young. It feels good to smile. I'm in a good place, and we had an awesome two days together, experiencing the city. Drinking up all if has to offer. A tourist in my own town. Watching the sun rise, going to the beach. Eating good food. It puts a new perspective to gay and merry! I was happy tonight, and surrounded by so much of it, and it didn't feel wrong. I wasn't nervous; or afraid. I was earring comfortable clothes and flip flops.
She wants me to work restaurants and be free like she is. We shared truths and laughs and anger. Growth and pain. We drove over bridges and squirmed about babies, and saw the sun rise. Ate shellfish, drank cocktails, and hollered for drag queens. We met knew people, paid for parking, and jumped a curb.
We both took a much needed vacation, including a sun burn, and several naps. We promised to keep in touch. I hope we do. I need a friend.
My Buddy's in trouble. I'm afraid for him, because I can't protect him.
05 June 2015
08:14
During my last few days here, I've seen a boy riding a skateboard down St. James towards Rivers. For some reason, he's given me hope. I saw him again this morning, and could barely contain my tears as I realized it was the last time I would see him.
24 June 2015
14:30
Happy life.
Love my wife.
Rescuing turtles.
Jumping life's hurdles.
Counting blessings twice,
And good memories thrice.
Learning to put Coast Guard first.
Missing loved ones is the worst.
New adventures will begin,
But good friendships never end.
Moving is a must,
So enjoying wanderlust.
Always and forever,
We will be together.
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