October 23, 2013
Per usual, I have allowed my stress to manifest physically. My body is waving red flags trying to get me to take notice. I've got it! Loud and clear! I've been staying sober, and it took me until to today to realize that I think its part of the reason my anxiety is more elevated than normal...
I've become dizzy in a whirlpool tug of my thoughts. Become swept up in the current, and carried downstream. I choose to see the daisies, and the soft grass as I float by, and remind myself that it is the happy thoughts, the sweet memories we make along the way. Life can be so beautiful if we just take the time to see it. There is so much good, all around me, even in the ebb and flow of my journey.
On my Friend's prompting, I began looking at how I was. Really. I am busy, stretched thin, stressed out, but okay. Its been hard to settle back into the daily grind after traveling, and my sleep cycle is off. The jeep has needed work more than once, and has needed towing, and repair. I've made headway with the counter tops, but there is still lots to do, and its becoming overwhelming again. I'm trying to stay connected with family and friends, take care of my dog, my girlfriend, and myself.
Against the inner rage of a brewing storm, I remain peaceful, calm, on the out side. The mask of indifference I've grown accustomed to wearing. To break the silence would be to betray the need for tranquility that I can now see has only been a facade. My body's physical distress has once again become a testament to the truth of my inner conflict. I continue to make the same mistakes over, and over again, because I have still not learned to recognize the signs of my stress.
I was checking the mail tonight and found myself lost in thought. Somewhere before or after a shower, and after indulging, I briefly remembered my thought, only to become distracted again.
The next thing I remember was that I was getting the pets water, and then I saw that the kitchen window was uncovered.. I filled up the water jug, and then put away the clean dishes. I forgot to look for a cover in the same trip.
So I went back. I checked the linen closet for something to cover it with. To be honest I got stuck there for a while. The bathroom curtain would be perfect! But I couldn't find something to take its place. And also, I realized I shouldn't be standing on the counter naked!
And that reminded me of my earlier thought!
When I was checking the mail, in the beginning, I realized that by moving, I will be leaving the one place that has been safe for me as an adult. I felt comfortable being alone, in my home, naked, with the windows open. But somewhere between the mailbox and the house, I had a second thought that I should be more careful. A specific tug that I've felt before, and caused me to notice the kitchen window! There's your sign! My old demon of fear, trying to creep back in. But I refuse to give in. Refuse to feed a weakness I have tried so hard to free myself from.
As I made my way to the mail box, I realized that I had been worrying again, so I realigned my thoughts. I realized that even though I am consciously deciding to leave my home, a place where I can rest easy, and recharge, I know I will be okay. I will miss the sound of the trains, but I will be okay. She has my heart, and I know that I can make a new home with Her. She is my happy thought, my safe place.
