My plan was to get sober, and tell him by the end of the summer, but an opportunity presented itself, and I knew I had act. Telling Him was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done, but to continue living a lie has been slowing eating me alive. He left Friday night, only to come home, where he belongs, on Saturday. Three nights on the couch was all I could bear before welcoming him back to our bed. It proved to be what I already knew. A step in the wrong direction. Yet another selfish act to hold on to the safety I feel when he is near.
Two more sweat nights of sleep before it was all over, and I fear, gone for good. I awoke to find I was sleeping alone. Feeling cold, and empty all over again. He told me He was leaving, and was sorry I had been feeling smothered. The violation of my trust was written on His face and spoken from His lips as he confessed to reading my text messages, and telling my secret.
I am always so vulnerable when I first wake up, and couldn't withhold the tears. I knew He was right. That it was time for him to leave. Finally, I would have the space I have so craved. But I'm not happy. I feel empty, and broken. The knowledge of his absence intensified the growing knot in my stomach; stole my appetite, my joy, and my will to face the day.
At yet, somehow, I was able to steal my nerves; stop the tears; leave my emotions at the door to start another day of work. Smooth the pain from my face, and put on a smile to get me through another day. Only KP had any sense of what I was truly feeling. Something in my eyes, or the unsteady timber of my voice. But I didn't want even her to see my weakness, and so I pushed it down; kept it bottled inside.
Today I have not cried. Despite the lump in my throat, and the often tears brimming in my eyes, I have been able to hold it back thus far. My solace comes in knowing an end is in sight. Sleep is only a few precious moments away.
Things always seem brighter in the morning. Like everything is new, and fresh, and beautiful. A new chance to conquer my fears; a new beginning to forget past mistakes and start again.
Tomorrow I will go speak with my brother. He now knows my secret, and I am eager to confide in him the way I have always wanted to. I am eternally grateful for a second chance with him. I will no longer mourn the days that have been lost under the lies of the past.
So here's to a new chapter in my life. Learning to live alone, and truly focus on me for a change. And even though I am terrified of the road that lies ahead, I can smile knowing that I have people in my life that know of my shame, and are helping me to find my way.
