I should have noticed the Five Signs. I’ve experienced the exact same cycle, countless times. And yet I never noticed it for myself until I saw the faces. In that way, I failed you, but no worse than myself if its any consolation.
I felt humiliated. Instead of having the chance to decide how I felt about any of it, and whether or not I was wanted to stay, I was forced to face it head on, and tell all my friends and family for you, then at the last minute ask them all to change to your new name and pronouns. I was so angry. But that was after the shock. The sheer astonishment of it all. It reminded me of a time when I fell off a swing in the winter. The wind was knocked from my chest, and there was a temporary panic that my breath wouldn't return. Charlie Brown's teacher was droning on in my ears, as the tunnel vision promised sweet escape.
I bargained with you, and then myself, and found my line. I was heartbroken. Devastated by the truth, but faced with it, there could be no more turning a blind eye. I'd made up my mind, and that's all there was to it. The journey home was my acceptance. Leave the last part of us behind.
The friendship I'd hoped we would have, gives me shear anxiety just to consider it now. Every conversation returning to please to reconcile. I know you your still working through your stages of grief, and I'm patient because I love you, but if I don't learn to communicate healthy boundaries soon, I will soon slip below my own wall and surely disappear for good.
The masquerade has roared to life once again, to conceal what's bubbling to the surface. But not all of my days are bad anymore. In fact, I'm having more peaceful days than not. I just have to remember to breathe.
