It feels like the more peace I feel, the worse the anxiety when it comes. Like the pendulum has to swing further to maintain the balance. Self diagnosis is like watching a train wreck in slow motion; an out of body experience. I can even hear the warning sounds, pounding in my ears sometimes, but my actions are already fixed. Like fate, which I obviously don't believe in.
July 27, 2015
13:31
Something changed the first time that we kissed.
I never knew I could feel like this.
Everything around me began to fade to black.
I found my place and would never go back.
For the first time I felt like I fit inside my skin.
And released a new part of my life was about to begin.
Weightless, head in the clouds and feet off the ground.
In your arms my happiness has finally been found.
No looking back or troubled regret.
A past of sorrow to soon forget.
Growing closer day by day.
Heart a flutter when my name you'd say.
You took my hand; you took my heart.
From that day on we did not part.
I'd follow you over land or sea
For I know you'll always love me.
Undeserving, though I am,
You see the good of what I can.
So much of me still left to discover,
Who better with, than my lover?
August 18, 2015
19:38
Life isn't always good, but we all have the potential to be good. We have to reprioritize. All life is precious. All of it. People, animals, bugs, we all have the right to live.
Killing is wrong. Defending your life, is not. The fact is, police brutality is a real problem. But not all policemen are. We need to deal with the. attitude that is's okay to kill each other. Gang, domestic, racism, all of it.
We have all been given a choice of what we will do with our lives. They are fragile, and fleeting, and beautiful; a gift only given once.
Hatred is bred.
It becomes a part of our fiber. Change has to be brought about. It cannot be forced. It must be fought for.
Be the change you want to see in the world, because change, whether good or bad, starts inside each and every one of us. You have to be passionate about something. It is contagious. Passion inspires.
It has the power to bring about change. What a tremendous idea, that we all have this ability, and yet so many squander it. We have become complacent. The real world zombies are here.
August 21, 2015
00:05
Change the world. "Many in Body, One in Mind." The Spirit of "Many in Boxy, One in Mind" is the Path to Victory.
Connect the dots.
September 1, 2015
19:44
There are some things about my mom that I need to be able to speak about. Out loud. They just have to come out. And I can't guarantee if or when I will be able to articulate them, but I'm holding back because of it. I'm stuck in a place of tug and pull. Suspended in a pond, but needing to get back into the rushing water. My clarity will carry me as a babbling brook; but not until then, will I escape. Basking again in the sunlight.
September 7, 2015
18:58
None of my usual outlets have been working.
Did I just say my brain is constipated?? Ewwwwww..... But yeah, somehow instead of floating down the stream I was dumped into a pond where I've been stuck. Stranded in the standing water of a stagnant pool. No escape. Not until I clear the muddle. Until I am drunk on the clarity.
September 30, 2015
22:17
I am not filled with a crushing certainty that eliminates all doubt. Not about most things, and certainly not spiritually.
November 22, 2018
18:33
I've been struggling to find my way and feel so out of balance. Some days are good. Most days aren't bad; just repetitious. I operate on autopilot, functioning because I am a create of habit. Constantly blinded to my own patterns. Repeating the same mistakes because I haven't learned the lesson. I feel like I've been thrown from a rapid stream into a stagnant pond, and my own motivation becomes the lead in my boots keeping me from reaching the current.
December 11, 2015
03:31
I miss my mom so much today. The way I felt when she hugged me. How I could always feel her love. It's the purest heartache I've known. The anguish her death still brings me, continues to pull the carpet from beneath my feet.
December 22, 2015
14:49
If I am truly honest with myself, I feel afraid, and alone. Years ago my mother told me to stop running from God. My doubt hinders me as I question my own resolve. My sanity balancing on a thread.
I'm afraid because I do not know what comes after death. If religion forces us to live in a way we might not otherwise not? And really are we any worse off because we did? Living with the hope that it might be true. So are we to value our possible life after death more so than the only we we know for sure that we have?
I'm tired of living up to my name, but I can't just throw away reason.
Believing in something doesn't make it true. The truth will always be the truth.
January 7, 2016
03:12
Be still.
She taught that We are in a life or death battle for our souls. And that we should be afraid.
Fear of the LORD is the foundation of true knowledge.
Fear. And I live my life in fear, because I can't remember any other way.
January 13, 2016
02:02
It's not about not wanting to share, because I like having the option; feeling less trapped. But with each new partner, I lose a part of myself. And I want to give all of me to you.
January 25, 2016
17:58
For me, the Bible is a tool enforced by fear. The beginning of wisdom is fear; all that. Many of my fears stem from that; that unknown and damnation. the Bible says the dead will rise and the wicked will burn in Hell. And we've become so fixated on end of days, and the apocalypse. Collapse of the economy, our government, terrorists, nuclear war, natural disasters, even zombies! and none of that sounds good! Then add in moral doubts, and the fear that I'm believing lies because I'm afraid they are true or because I want them to be. My compassion is spinning and peach is so fleeting. I am constantly reminding myself to just be still! But never can. If I can't learn how to, I'm afraid it will cost me my sanity. It's fear that is robbing me of the joy in all the small things. I just don't know how to let it all go; to find peace.
...And the next moment, my clarity breaks to the shrill ring of life and I am back on auto-pilot where I spend the majority of my time these days.
It's like the little specs you see in the corner of your eye. The more I try to focus on something, the less of it I can see until it's gone.
March 14, 2016
13:14
I can be impulsive and even though it doesn't always turn out badly, I still end up making big decisions without considering or processing them thoroughly. It causes me to later doubt and question my motivates until I replay it. I go through cycles of spontaneity and impulsive behavior, and then it comes to a screeching halt with anxiety, fear, and depression. I think I'm on a consistent upswing for now. I've lost some weight, I'm eating better, in school, I meditate, and I'm owning my happiness. But it's a daily struggle; one worth fighting co.
March 15, 2016
00:45
I feel kind of like life is learning how to skate. You're a little wobbly at first; and you'll probably fall down. But after a few scraped knees, you start to get the hang of it. As you build confidence, you go a little faster; and that's the exact moment a piece of rogue asphalt jumps up and invites you to eat it!
I hope this is what the beginning of a spiritual journey is like, because it's surely the way I've felt. I've wondered a bit, asked big questions, pondered many things, but haven't found too many answers. Still unsure of myself, blooming late, another winter waking up to spring.
I'm desperate to find my way. Wondering through the woods, looking for a light on, and the feeling the warmth of the breaking day's sun on my cheeks. I've made it through another long night of years. Tides of season blending together, my thoughts crashing waves on the shore of consciousness. The flow of knowledge too great to be contained and selling over the banks. Drowning me in the anguish of turmoil, coughing and gasping for life saving air. Oh just breathe! The sweet sigh of relief of the fleeting yet strangling fear of drowning in my insanity.
But how could I have been swept away? Gone was the focus and there too came the sleep. Blissful and comforting, I welcome my old friend to ease the pain. Forget the panic scattered in my mind; fragments of the life I'm slipping in and out of. Hanging just below the surface, held captive by my thoughts. Around and around an endless maze of Alice lost in her Wonderland.
Bombarded by the hustle and bustle of everyday life, and retreating to the peace I find in seclusion. Quiet from all the external sounds. Removed from the impulses felt everywhere. It's what makes me jumpy. Being pulled back and forth between the two. Lost in thought like leaves on the wind. The need to be outdoors, breathing clean air. Replenishing the life branded by the chaos.
April 8, 2016
11:58
I am not doing a good job of communicating with her. She is so patient an willing to do anything and everything I ask, if I could just open up! But I can't even talk about it without feeling shameful because that is what all sex is for me.
April 28, 2016
02:11
I'm just tired of being afraid. I have been for as long as I can remember. It makes me feel weak.
May 3, 2016
14:51
I live up to my name, to a fault. I thought I'd made peace, until I noticed my uncertainty slowly creeping back in. It's when I interrupt the disruptive thought pattern of rationalization my behaviors, that I realize I haven't found true peace. Justification shouldn't be needed if I've done nothing wrong. But I continuously find myself asking if my intelligence is to blame for my mental instability? Is it because I'm simply weak or because I'm somehow broken? Is it because I've laid down with dogs and risen with fleas? Have I allowed my sins to take me further than I ever thought I'd go, or am I just falling back in line with borrowed beliefs?
I've begun writing you this letter more times than I can remember, but life admitting my attractions, breathing life to my thoughts solidifies their validity. Life's uncertainty has inundated me for as long as I can remember. As a child, I was preoccupied by the end of days and weightier meting of life subjects more suitable for late adulthood quandaries. I feel old, and tired, but learned long ago the art of keeping it hidden, protected behind a wall. Where do we learn such unhealthy habits? How do they become so ingrained into the people we become that we can forget what it's like to live inhibited, as children do?
My compass is spinning without a magnet; turmoil threatens to overcome my calm exterior. The mask that allows me to keep it all locked securely away only further isolates me. Lost and lonely, defeat always looming in the darkness, waiting with eternal patience, chipping away at m sanity.
My thoughts rarely translate into words so eloquently. Writing is my therapy, but being shambolic has plenty of downsides. And yet here I am writing to you. Without inhibition or expectations. Just the need to express my thoughts to someone I hope can understand. I am my own burden, one jI've never asked or wanted anyone else to bear. Death may be the great escape, but one I want no part of. I'll take the pain of life any day but am ready to break the shackles and begin to truly live.
I have lived my entire life afraid, and it is simply exhausting.
Sometimes I scare myself into re-questioning if it's my fault because I didn't choose to try harder to find a man to love.
May 28, 2016
02:38
I'm Fine
Oh ya know. I'm not doing very well, but I'm doing what I do best: Not letting anyone in when I need help.
June 12, 2016
18:37
I feel afraid. Ever time I think I've put it to rest, made peace, it comes back and bites me in the ass. My fear grips me. It has a hold on me; and it won't let go. And I can't talk about it. I can't let anyone in to help me, and I can't figure it out on my own. I'm petrified. I don't necessarily want, or even deserve(!) to go to heaven, I just don't want to go to Hell.
August 31, 2016
14:41
You see the thing is, I know once we get there, everything is going to be okay. And I'm doing all the right things to plan and control what I can and not worry about what I can't. Relying on my partner and feeling safe because she's going to be with me. But it all just came undone when I thought I might lose Dharma. And I find things like packing my winter clothes that trigger a memory and I burst into tears. Just the signs of my letterman jacket reminded me of how I just so badly wanted to be a part of something. I wanted to feel like I belonged. I'm older now, but I feel like in a lot of ways, I'm still looking for the same things. Acceptance from others because I can't find it within myself.
September 11, 2016
20:40
I can be happy without most things, but not Dharma. That will break my heart. It aches to even think about it. Dharma is something good. She is a constant in my life, and helps me to feel balanced. I don't think I've ever been able to truly appreciate how much I need her until I was afraid of losing her this week. How much I'm still afraid of being told she can't live on base.
I've missed her so much while we were separated this week. Dharma just wants to be close to me. And she knows when I need her. She's persistent because she can see though my mask. She can see what I hide from everyone, even myself. My energy always betrayed the lie. And she doesn't give up until she knows I'm okay.
I suppose I should back up. I haven't gone to the chiropractor regularly, I've missed a dental cleaning or two, indulged my true self as an introvert, and gotten lost in the maze a bit; but my life is good right now. Not always easy, but growth is happening within each of us. The pains are sharp, but yield results. I've made advancements at work, and I'm doing well in Schoo. Do a bit of meditation or yoga when I can remember to, and ever so often, I love the girl I see in the mirror. That journey began with Dharma. One of the best gifts I've ever given to myself, and an anchor in my soul.
Of all the terrifying reasons to move to Alaska, being further from my family than I've ever been, I'm excited because I know I can do it with Her. In anticipation for her living for A-School, she helped me make a weighted blanket. So far, it's proving to be an asset, but if I had to go back home without Dharma, I'd be completely alone. She's non-negotiable. We belong together.
Choosing me means choosing my wife.
Truly, I don't have to work. I've been working since high school and never been out of work for more than probably a ten day lavation. It would be giving up a part of my independence that would be scary. I'm used to being able to take care of myself.
Then again, it would be nice not to work or find something part time. I suppose I have become used to a particular standard of living.
I think just knowing my TM is going to bat for me makes me feel better, even if I end up not being able to keep my job. I was completely shocked when they said I could work from AK to begin with.
I'm not confrontational, so I doubt I would wan tot go the legal route, even if I was entitled to.
I think once we get there, everything will end up alright. It's the getter there and all the uncertainty that's causing me to fret.
October 4, 2016
23:44
There are a lot of things about the trip that terrify me, but that's all the more why I think I have to. I want to be brave.
January 12, 2017
19:43
I will not apologize for the way I reacted to being backed into a corner. By waiting until we were already on the way, you made me feel trapped by trying to force me to do something I was adamantly opposed to. I went against my instincts to dig my heels in and not get out of the car in an attempt to avoid making an overly stressful situation that you created any worse...
April 1, 2017
13:34
"There are distinct differences between the female and male brain. The female brain has a larger hippocampus, which usually makes them better at retention and memory. Male brains have bigger parietal cortexes which help when fending off an attack. Male brains confront challenges differently than female brains. Women are hardwired to communicate with language, detail, empathy. Men, not so much. It doesn't mean that they are any less capable of emotion. They can talk about their feelings, it's just the most of the time they'd really rather not."
August 29, 2017
11:24
The journey and places for me where my significant other's families. I always stayed longer than I should because of the extended relationships. Put up with more than I should have because the good outweighed the bad. I usually knew early on something was wrong or off, but I tried to fill the hole I felt with anything that felt even just a little bit good. Always chasing something that would never set me free, but that blinded me to my own denial.
Honesty, true honesty (is that an oxymoron or what?) is a rare breath of fresh air.. maybe it's why it's such an anomaly, because it's addicting. There's just the slightest rush present, isn't there? Maybe it is the fear in vulnerability, but it can be intense.
September 6, 2017
04:41
I give too much of myself, even to the point of losing myself. There are pieces I can never get back.
It's like reciting lines. Trying to fill up a mold of what you think you're supposed to be. I've been wandering for while now.
January 7, 2018
02:02
At some point, I began shutting her out. I've tried to pinpoint when it happened, but I just don't recall. I struggle with my shame, but then I was reminded of tipping the velvet.
February 20, 2018
02:56
I'm completely introverting. I can feel it winding in. A slowly sinking feeling, helpless to prevent it.
I initiated descriptive mind blowing sex tonight. She's suspicious it's to get out of therapy. Truly, my sex drive was the only motivation. I'm sure the exercise this week is helping.
April 3, 2018
23:14
I won't downplay it; I was crushed. Although it's not something we usually celebrate, this year was different. Five years feels like a milestone, and by far the longest my fear of commitments has allowed. I had finally found a way to surprise you! And for something I was truly excited about. But you couldn't contain your enthusiasm about our proposition, or wait more than a few hours once I'd set you free. How could I compete with that? I felt like I was finally just too little too late. It felt like a critical. mass I would look back on; the single moment in time when I knew I'd lost you even if just in a small way; an important way. It's something I haven't been able to shake, and fear the memory of that day has been forever sullied.
May 20, 2018
02:51
To say I am devastated would be a gross understatement. My heart will be broken either way. It's funny that whoever reads this will undoubtedly see but a fraction of what this looks like from the inside, but I can't help feeling curious what that keyhole of a visual looks like. If only I could "being John Malchavich" you in there. Show you my timeline; from underneath the dandelions, up into the starry night sky. Then down the whirlpool to my depths below. Not a word spoken, but a whole universe unfolding before you. I'm losing myself to compromise.
I always have an escape plan... never fully let my guards down. And I'm trying not to let my irrationality get the best of me, causing me to bail.
But, I'm panicked. Am I stubborn enough to fight for it? Am I afraid I'll have regrets? Am I just too tired? Is it already too late? Will I survive this? Is it self-fulfilling? Sin will always take you further than you ever thought you'd go. I'm already there, and it issn' the first time I've felt this, by a long shot.
June 4, 2018
03:29
What I know, is that I come from a suppressed sexual culture. It has taken me a while to figure out who I am and what I want. A conflict has arisen with my sexuality and the path She has found herself on.
We are at an impasse. I want more than anything to support Her on this journey in whatever capacity I can, but I no longer see a healthy path forward for our marriage. It's not me giving up because I'm scared, even though I am scared.
I'm devastated about what our truths mean. But I am not ready to 'abandon' her in Alaska. I don't think I could forgive myself if I did.. There simply isn't a trick to making this easy. I've cried the tears and want to make peace with the heartache to come. The inaction may kill me.
My clarity comes when I'm numb. The words don't struggle as much. But it's when I breathe easiest. Slow and steady. Listening to my body. Letting go of my physical appearance of my stress. In my spine. At the base of my neck. My should blades. My sacrum. My stress affects me to the core of my being. The hard part was identifying what it meant. But the clarity is the blinding light illuminating the only path to take.
My parachute, once stored under the bed, is strapped securely to my back, but I can't escape. I can't jump. The red string would choke me.
GOALS
- Support in a healthy capacity.
- Not abandon Her in AK.
- Set appropriate boundaries.
- Begin to consider timelines.
- Remain realistic and respectful.
July 13, 2018
01:12
I'm not thin, and I'm a far cry from beautiful, but I'm loyal and kind; I've had my heart broken which means I've known love, but I prefer the numbness to the raw sting of emotion because it feels safe and familiar. I've taken leaps of faith, learned to fly, and even come crashing back down to rock bottom. One thing I know for sure is that new growth can never take hold in a comfort zone.
August 2, 2018
15:56
I know I'm not perfect; no one is. But I'm frosted because I've given up so much to your wife and support you in your military career. And I don't regret my choices or compromises. I've been happy to do it because getting to be with you is what I want more than anything. So it is extremely difficult to swallow that despite all I've given up, you are unwilling to budge on something that means so much to me.
August 11, 2018
21:38
Alaska Summarized
I've learned to love, really love, and let go; take chances, and live without regrets. I've known loss, and utter sadness, but also beauty, joy, and selflessness.
And while life has taken me further than I'd ever thought or imagined I'd go, I now know what I'm capable of. I know what it means to feel truly free. And even though it's an enormous understatement to say that my departure is bittersweet, I know I can move on to write the next chapter unabashed.
I no longer need to retreat when life feels too hard because I've weathered something which has tested my metal beyond anything I've ever experienced. I walk away a little more broken, but stronger despite the lingering sting because I know it's right. I'm still gasping for breath after having the wind knocked from my chest, but there is a familiarity to it that is strangely comforting.
August 16, 2018
23:20
I can't do it. I'm panicked and swinging back and forth. I'm hot and cold but I'm reaching for my parachute, I thought I'd finally begin to set back down.
My sin has taken me farther than I ever thought I would go. I want to run, so badly. At the exact moment, I'm terrified. I just want to let go.
In just a day and a half, this trip has solidified my need to leave.
I want to validate Her so much, that I did, because I love her. But it feels unauthentic to me. It's not that it's something I will just learn to love and enjoy, it's that it's not authentic for me..
He deserves someone who can love him for the individual he is. As much as I wish it was me, it's not. Maybe it was never meant to be. Maybe I was a stepping stone for him, as much as he will be for me. And that's okay.
The glass has been shattered. I can't unsee it, no matter how much I deny it. I have to accept and let go.
I'm staying for the wrong reasons, and it's not fair to either of us. He was right all along: We can't give each other what we truly need. I've been challenged to check my own motivations, unbiased. Love has been lost over time, but it doesn't even have anything to with love.
August 22, 2018
00:15
It had nothing to do with a lack of love. I wanted him to feel validated, so I did what I did because I love him. And although part of me truly did enjoy it, and his selflessness, it isn't true to me. It isn't what feels authentic to me.
What I've come to realize, is that we've both grown because of each other, as well as outgrown each other. We have become stepping stones for each other on the way to discovering our truest selves. I am a better person because he has been a part of my life, and I will never stop loving him.
August 26, 2018
13:08
It feels like the close to a chapter at the end of the story. I can see it coming, just over the horizon.
I have never experienced anything like Ragge at Red Rocks, and I say so despite the risk of sounding like a romantic. I tasted the smallest morsel of freedom, and was in awe of the way my sister reveled in hers. A celebration of the soul.
I am at peace with my soul again, in a way I didn't know how much I was missing. I'm why I'm suffering, and no one else, but I know how to fix it.
The leaps of faith I've taken on this trip are preparing me for what is left. The final act, bringing closure. I love Him, so I must set him free. It is an act of love, for both of us. One he was strong enough to make, but I wasn't ready to accept. I was selfish and afraid, but I'm not anymore.
January 4, 2019
00:40
I have all this bottled up emotion that's ready to spill over; I just need the privacy to fall apart. But maybe it's too late for that. I've spent so much time holding it together, almost bursting at the seams. If there's nothing left to let out, where does it go? Has it seeped inside of me to choke my dehydrated soul? Further damage to the wreckage I feel inside. Depleted. Pulled from the ocean and left on the sand to bake in the sun.
January 17, 2019
01:03
Feeling vulnerable causes me to over share.
I have a tendency to be impulsive. I make a knee-jerk reaction because I don't think before I act. I'm driven by my fear, rather than motivated by my goals.
I feel very far away and disconnected. I don't belong anywhere now. I spread my wings and and was on my own. Flew too close to the sun, and my wings melted. I'm not connected with anyone else's path. That feeling creeping in of being left behind. Spun out in the current and washed up on the sand. Temporarily stunned; trying to remember how I got here. Trying to figure out why life is racing by so fast.
March 23, 2019
14:42
You say that I abandoned you in Alaska, but you abandoned me long before I ever left. You cast the die when you chose to pursue your authenticity, knowing the risk it placed on our marriage. Either you jumped headfirst into a major life changing decision without being sure, after I pleaded with you to figure that out before acting, or your motivations to hold off are not pure.
