Entry Number 35: Said the Morning Star

Two years, almost to the day, in making. My voice lost to the chatter.

I think, maybe, I've always been broken.. I've just learned how to remain numb. Always managed to keep my darkness hidden; Never let it out, not entirely. The risk of becoming lost in it is too great.

None of my usual outlets have been working. No longer floating down the stream, I have been dumped into a pond and stuck. Stranded in the standing water of a stagnant pool. No escape. Not until I clear the muddle. Until I have become drunk on the clarity.

Few have an idea of what I keep buried. Fewer still have caught a glimpse of my darkness. You told me I only let the vail fall on occasion; called my darkness gorgeous and the reason you fell in love with me. You, the morning star.

I don't think I could let it go completely anyway. The damage is done. But I don't have to tell you that. Wearing a mask is just easier, albeit exhausting. It has the potential to destroy everything good. I've sabotaged myself over and over my entire life. It's an endless cycle to keep others from seeing my true colors.

I've noticed I'm started to fall back into old habits. They're creeping in, like images out of focus. Fuzzy in the peripheral field. Propelled by internal forces; unaffected by my consciousness. Outside the control of free will.. it's like slowly slipping. Losing my footing. Unmotivated to oppose it, but unable to even if I wanted to.

Its like a double edged sword; inviting the desensitization to dull the nerves, to stop the racing thoughts. Once the autopilot kicks in, falling into step is easy as a creature of habit. But the colors aren't as bright, and my body and mind becomes numb. I am nothing more than a leaf floating on the surface of a stagnant pond. Without emotion or purpose. Repitition becomes my safety net. Retreating down into the pit of my despair; tucked away in the confines of my mind.





So Says the Morning Star

So says the Morning Star, "where is your darkness?

Why do you struggle to keep it buried deep inside?

As a part of you, it harbors its own beauty,

Waiting for its match to come along and find."

So says the Morning Star, "wear it as your armor,

Not hidden behind your great wall made of stone.

For when its kindred spirit does come calling,

You'll forfeit blessings meant for you and you alone."

So says the Morning Star "I've loved you all these years, dear one,

Your presence will forever call from miles away.

But you must stop running from what lives inside you,

Unless balance is found, your soul is what you'll pay.