About a year ago, I began seeing a therapist. I was ashamed and embarrassed (about therapy that is), and confused. But She encouraged me to go. You see, I wasn't managing my stress well, was struggling to articulate not only what was troubling me, but also day to day things that popped into my head. With her support and encouragement, I decided that for me, it was the right thing to do.
Now I can't say I made any life altering breakthroughs necessarily, but I've seen improvement in my day to day life. I don't think this particular mental health professional was the right fit for me, but for what it was worth, I'd made a commitment to see it through, and I have.
That being said, life is bitter sweet. Mostly sweet, and now that I'm thinking on it, bitter is not the right word. There are still things I am, and probably always will, be working on. As human beings, I think one of our goals in life should always be to continue to learn, grow and develop as individuals. One thing I've learned from this experience is that no matter what life throws my way, I know I can handle it. I just have to take things one step at a time. And the best part about that, is that I know I have people in my life who love and support me. I just have to remain focused on the things that matter most, and not get so hung up on the little things.
The following are just some random thoughts, snippets, if you will, of some of my thoughts over the last year. Although I've had trouble sitting down to write, even just a few paragraphs here and there, I have made an attempt to at least jot down the more important ones as they have come along. Hopefully this entry will be a kick start back into the writing that I have always found so comforting.
March 3, 2013, 4:53PM
I've been drifting without a sail for so long, that I don't know how not to.
March 16, 2013
OCD is a coping mechanism to define order where none can be found.
June 23, 2013, 1:34AM
I am having trouble identifying how I measure right and wrong, instead of how I was taught to measure it.
June 3, 2013, 9:34PM
(Draft message to YL)
Hiiiiii! We missed you at dinner on Saturday! It was very generous of you to pay for the meal, though. Thank you very, very much :) I know you don't want to see me right now, and I respect your wishes. I love you and I miss you, and I hate feeling like your are disappointed in me. I just want you to know that I love you and dad and I don't want to cause you guys any problems. Also, I don't want you to feel alone or left out after Dad moves. If that means taking turns going to family dinners so you can go, I would be more than happy to. As long as you need space, I will give it to you. I just hope it isn't permanent because I really do care about you.
September 3, 2013, 1:33AM
I have a moderate case of ADD and social anxiety, with a comorbidity of mild, controllable OCD, and I have never effectively been able to manage my stress. My insecurities are crippling me. Even as I write this, I am fighting a panic attack. I felt like I was on a fair ride, spinning faster and faster. Trying to hang on to the face that keeps me centered. Realizing, again, that I have to be the one to hold my center. I have to love me before I can let anyone else love me. We accept the love we think we deserve. Despite Her best efforts, I do not feel deserving... And it is hurting us both.
October 1, 2013, 3:21AM
It's very hard to pry open a closed mind. Some never do open, and there were people who went to their graves believing desegregation and women's rights were BAD things. But the times ARE changing and there's nothing HE can do to stop that. If he'd like to reconcile his faith with his practices, perhaps he might consider exploring an inclusive church. They marry, ordain, accept LGBT people, and it's all the same Bible and Jesus. :-)
-Atheists of Zygotes
November 14th, 2013, 3:10AM
(Recounting an older conversation...)
I told My Friend that I fall in love with the person, not the gender. I can have the intellectual connection. The emotional connection. But not the sexual attraction.
The intimacy had been missing. I'd never considered myself pan-, not really. It was like a passing thought at the beginning of my growth. A side note, or a last grasp at denial.
I have grown up so much in some ways. Some moments have been truly terrifying; while others have left me breathless on a beautiful day. Fresh air and sun on my face. True inner peace as time slows down, even if just a tiny bit.
I want my violets. To leave my messes and sorrow behind, and remind me where I've been.
December 1, 2013, 9:55PM
My fear is beginning to destroy one of my most precious escapes; sleep. I find myself waking with a feeling of residual dread, distress. This morning I awoke the same. Waiting for the relief to settle in upon shaking my dreams, only to feel suspended in the negative emotions brought on by false realities.
I began my slumber with such sweet memories, only to be drug down into a pit of despair upon waking. The last dream was all but completely lucid as I struggled to rip myself from it. That I did not feel the immediate relief rushing in instantly created a doubt so great that I was afraid to sleep any more, lest the dream continued like a bad sequel.
I was being chased, and attached in my own home. I could still feel a sense of fatigue after waking up. The mob of young adults, just outside my door, waiting to do me harm. My bed and sleep no longer a safe haven. It was so vivid. I was safe no where until the game ended. My dog was also afraid as she was being threatened, and I could do nothing to comfort or protect her.
My nightmares are escalating, and if there is any hope of a restful nights sleep, I need to figure out why.
Sleep is a realm dictated by our self consciousness. A place where phrases like "where our wildest dreams come true," come from. But more often than not, it is a place where my fears run ramped. Where I am running or falling, or my teeth crumble from my mouth. Or worse yet, where a person has died, and I wake to find it to be true.
Although sleep is typically a source of comfort for me, i have always been plagued by my dreams. My once recurring nightmare has ceased, but at what cost? What it has been replaced with is the unknown. And though it was never lucid, it was familiar. What good is a lucid dream when my fear is too great to allow me to take control, or even wake myself up?
December 2, 2013, 12:25AM
I'm not sure what it is I am afraid of; what I'm running from. I continue to transfer my fear from one silly thing to the next.
January 11, 2014, 1:15PM
There was no time to think, which is good because I wouldn't have been able to. I already knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Her.
As I unwrapped and flipped open the pages of the book, I was stunned by what I found inside. Surely this can't be a right, I thought. It must be earrings. But then she took the box from me, and got down on one knee. I remember her holding my hand, ever so gently. From her knelt position, looking up into my eyes, I was brought out of my daze. African Violet, will you marry me? My own ears didn't recognize the words. It probably felt like an eternity as the word tumbled from my lips. YES!
On the year anniversary of the day we met, the love of my life asked me to spend the rest of it with her.
January 15, 2104, 12:12PM
I worry that the more planning or thinking about getting married I do, the more of a chance I will end up with cold feet. I don't want to start panicking and sabotage everything just because I'm scared.
January 18, 2014, 7:36PM
I'm afraid to move because I will be leaving what feels safe. I will be leaving my support system; willingly. Making new friends and trusting is hard. And I love my siblings..
February 1, 2014, 7:36PM
I have seen you make so many of the same mistakes that I have, and have done nothing to stop you. (In regards to my Little Sister, and how I feel responsible for the pain I may have been able to prevent.)
February 17, 2014, 8:34PM
Hard to love, not undeserving of love.
March 22, 2104, 12:04PM
I know I don't always explain myself. In fact, I rarely do. But I need this. For me. To concur my fears. To grow up. And I know you're scared. And hurting. But it's not fair the way you are making me feel. I know you think you're doing me a favor by not telling me how you fell, but you're not. (In regards to my Big Sister, and her passive-agressive behavior about me moving.)
March 24, 2014, 10:36PM
I feel like my family either won't tell me they don't agree with my choices, for whatever reasons, or lack selflessness to support them. Either way, I feel alienated.
April 13, 2014, 8:33PM
Either balls up and tell me you think I'm making the wrong decision, or stop trying to make me feel badly for chasing my happiness!
April 19, 2014, 2:03AM
The perception I hold of myself is skewed by irrational thoughts; insecurities that I have yet to reconcile. An unbalance in my soul.
May 11, 2014, 12:19AM
You talk about how you love that I am a classy lady. The way we behaved in front of the Girls the first time you met them, portrayed otherwise. Being a lesbian shouldn't make us any more desirable because of it. It IS normal. Not something special to be paraded. I am proud of who I am. And I am becoming a strong woman. One who does not compromise her values. I want to be treated with respect and not objectified in front of others. I know you find me beautiful, and want to show me off, but sometimes, it makes me feel only the heat of the limelight, and the color rushing to my cheeks.
June 30, 2014, 4:47PM
You take my breath away.
My heart skip a beat.
My palms sweat.
My knees weak.
You bring the butterflies to life in my stomach.
No one else makes my heart race and slow down, all at the same time, like you do.
July 26, 2014, 3:06AM
Haste makes waste.
Burns my britches!
Now, I'm hot!
Wives, submit to your husbands.
Love a cheerful giver.
We are the peacemakers.
Do not take delight in the misfortune of others.
Do not rob others of the opportunity to bless you.
-Mom
August 2, 2014, 8:20AM
I have been defining myself by the things that have happened to me. The ways I've changed after living each situation. The character I've built. Who I have become, because of it.
I'm not so sure that's how it should be...
Now I can't say I made any life altering breakthroughs necessarily, but I've seen improvement in my day to day life. I don't think this particular mental health professional was the right fit for me, but for what it was worth, I'd made a commitment to see it through, and I have.
That being said, life is bitter sweet. Mostly sweet, and now that I'm thinking on it, bitter is not the right word. There are still things I am, and probably always will, be working on. As human beings, I think one of our goals in life should always be to continue to learn, grow and develop as individuals. One thing I've learned from this experience is that no matter what life throws my way, I know I can handle it. I just have to take things one step at a time. And the best part about that, is that I know I have people in my life who love and support me. I just have to remain focused on the things that matter most, and not get so hung up on the little things.
The following are just some random thoughts, snippets, if you will, of some of my thoughts over the last year. Although I've had trouble sitting down to write, even just a few paragraphs here and there, I have made an attempt to at least jot down the more important ones as they have come along. Hopefully this entry will be a kick start back into the writing that I have always found so comforting.
March 3, 2013, 4:53PM
I've been drifting without a sail for so long, that I don't know how not to.
March 16, 2013
OCD is a coping mechanism to define order where none can be found.
June 23, 2013, 1:34AM
I am having trouble identifying how I measure right and wrong, instead of how I was taught to measure it.
June 3, 2013, 9:34PM
(Draft message to YL)
Hiiiiii! We missed you at dinner on Saturday! It was very generous of you to pay for the meal, though. Thank you very, very much :) I know you don't want to see me right now, and I respect your wishes. I love you and I miss you, and I hate feeling like your are disappointed in me. I just want you to know that I love you and dad and I don't want to cause you guys any problems. Also, I don't want you to feel alone or left out after Dad moves. If that means taking turns going to family dinners so you can go, I would be more than happy to. As long as you need space, I will give it to you. I just hope it isn't permanent because I really do care about you.
September 3, 2013, 1:33AM
I have a moderate case of ADD and social anxiety, with a comorbidity of mild, controllable OCD, and I have never effectively been able to manage my stress. My insecurities are crippling me. Even as I write this, I am fighting a panic attack. I felt like I was on a fair ride, spinning faster and faster. Trying to hang on to the face that keeps me centered. Realizing, again, that I have to be the one to hold my center. I have to love me before I can let anyone else love me. We accept the love we think we deserve. Despite Her best efforts, I do not feel deserving... And it is hurting us both.
October 1, 2013, 3:21AM
It's very hard to pry open a closed mind. Some never do open, and there were people who went to their graves believing desegregation and women's rights were BAD things. But the times ARE changing and there's nothing HE can do to stop that. If he'd like to reconcile his faith with his practices, perhaps he might consider exploring an inclusive church. They marry, ordain, accept LGBT people, and it's all the same Bible and Jesus. :-)
-Atheists of Zygotes
November 14th, 2013, 3:10AM
(Recounting an older conversation...)
I told My Friend that I fall in love with the person, not the gender. I can have the intellectual connection. The emotional connection. But not the sexual attraction.
The intimacy had been missing. I'd never considered myself pan-, not really. It was like a passing thought at the beginning of my growth. A side note, or a last grasp at denial.
I have grown up so much in some ways. Some moments have been truly terrifying; while others have left me breathless on a beautiful day. Fresh air and sun on my face. True inner peace as time slows down, even if just a tiny bit.
I want my violets. To leave my messes and sorrow behind, and remind me where I've been.
December 1, 2013, 9:55PM
My fear is beginning to destroy one of my most precious escapes; sleep. I find myself waking with a feeling of residual dread, distress. This morning I awoke the same. Waiting for the relief to settle in upon shaking my dreams, only to feel suspended in the negative emotions brought on by false realities.
I began my slumber with such sweet memories, only to be drug down into a pit of despair upon waking. The last dream was all but completely lucid as I struggled to rip myself from it. That I did not feel the immediate relief rushing in instantly created a doubt so great that I was afraid to sleep any more, lest the dream continued like a bad sequel.
I was being chased, and attached in my own home. I could still feel a sense of fatigue after waking up. The mob of young adults, just outside my door, waiting to do me harm. My bed and sleep no longer a safe haven. It was so vivid. I was safe no where until the game ended. My dog was also afraid as she was being threatened, and I could do nothing to comfort or protect her.
My nightmares are escalating, and if there is any hope of a restful nights sleep, I need to figure out why.
Sleep is a realm dictated by our self consciousness. A place where phrases like "where our wildest dreams come true," come from. But more often than not, it is a place where my fears run ramped. Where I am running or falling, or my teeth crumble from my mouth. Or worse yet, where a person has died, and I wake to find it to be true.
Although sleep is typically a source of comfort for me, i have always been plagued by my dreams. My once recurring nightmare has ceased, but at what cost? What it has been replaced with is the unknown. And though it was never lucid, it was familiar. What good is a lucid dream when my fear is too great to allow me to take control, or even wake myself up?
December 2, 2013, 12:25AM
I'm not sure what it is I am afraid of; what I'm running from. I continue to transfer my fear from one silly thing to the next.
January 11, 2014, 1:15PM
There was no time to think, which is good because I wouldn't have been able to. I already knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Her.
As I unwrapped and flipped open the pages of the book, I was stunned by what I found inside. Surely this can't be a right, I thought. It must be earrings. But then she took the box from me, and got down on one knee. I remember her holding my hand, ever so gently. From her knelt position, looking up into my eyes, I was brought out of my daze. African Violet, will you marry me? My own ears didn't recognize the words. It probably felt like an eternity as the word tumbled from my lips. YES!
On the year anniversary of the day we met, the love of my life asked me to spend the rest of it with her.
January 15, 2104, 12:12PM
I worry that the more planning or thinking about getting married I do, the more of a chance I will end up with cold feet. I don't want to start panicking and sabotage everything just because I'm scared.
January 18, 2014, 7:36PM
I'm afraid to move because I will be leaving what feels safe. I will be leaving my support system; willingly. Making new friends and trusting is hard. And I love my siblings..
February 1, 2014, 7:36PM
I have seen you make so many of the same mistakes that I have, and have done nothing to stop you. (In regards to my Little Sister, and how I feel responsible for the pain I may have been able to prevent.)
February 17, 2014, 8:34PM
Hard to love, not undeserving of love.
March 22, 2104, 12:04PM
I know I don't always explain myself. In fact, I rarely do. But I need this. For me. To concur my fears. To grow up. And I know you're scared. And hurting. But it's not fair the way you are making me feel. I know you think you're doing me a favor by not telling me how you fell, but you're not. (In regards to my Big Sister, and her passive-agressive behavior about me moving.)
March 24, 2014, 10:36PM
I feel like my family either won't tell me they don't agree with my choices, for whatever reasons, or lack selflessness to support them. Either way, I feel alienated.
April 13, 2014, 8:33PM
Either balls up and tell me you think I'm making the wrong decision, or stop trying to make me feel badly for chasing my happiness!
April 19, 2014, 2:03AM
The perception I hold of myself is skewed by irrational thoughts; insecurities that I have yet to reconcile. An unbalance in my soul.
May 11, 2014, 12:19AM
You talk about how you love that I am a classy lady. The way we behaved in front of the Girls the first time you met them, portrayed otherwise. Being a lesbian shouldn't make us any more desirable because of it. It IS normal. Not something special to be paraded. I am proud of who I am. And I am becoming a strong woman. One who does not compromise her values. I want to be treated with respect and not objectified in front of others. I know you find me beautiful, and want to show me off, but sometimes, it makes me feel only the heat of the limelight, and the color rushing to my cheeks.
June 30, 2014, 4:47PM
You take my breath away.
My heart skip a beat.
My palms sweat.
My knees weak.
You bring the butterflies to life in my stomach.
No one else makes my heart race and slow down, all at the same time, like you do.
July 26, 2014, 3:06AM
Haste makes waste.
Burns my britches!
Now, I'm hot!
Wives, submit to your husbands.
Love a cheerful giver.
We are the peacemakers.
Do not take delight in the misfortune of others.
Do not rob others of the opportunity to bless you.
-Mom
August 2, 2014, 8:20AM
I have been defining myself by the things that have happened to me. The ways I've changed after living each situation. The character I've built. Who I have become, because of it.
I'm not so sure that's how it should be...
