I have done no better, since my last post to determine the cause of my most prevalent causes of stress. To make matters worse, I dropped the "r" word in front of Her. Although I have not acted upon my urges, they are no doubt there, and continuing to grow as I refuse to feed into them. Not dealing with my stress is causing me to turn it inward in order to keep smiling.
Queue the racing thoughts; as long as the real problem is hidden beneath the overwhelming flow of distractions, I can avoid the impending despair that must be buried somwhere far below.
I am sad because I feel as though I have mislead Her. I tried so hard to tell her what a mess I am. I've hidden my scars from myself, but now we are both beginning to see them as our relationship unfolds. A little less guarded, a little more worried, because no matter what She says, I'm still afraid I will scare her away with all my baggage.
Eight months seems like a long time, and somehow I have made little progress on the road to recovery, and She has somehow felt She is not doing enough to help me. It saddens me to no end knowing She feels that way. I told her once that no matter how many times a girl is told she is beautiful, she still has to believe it for herself in order to accept it as true truth.
She feels as though Her reassurance has not made a difference. How can I make her understand that what looks like little to no progression to Her, is leaps and bounds ahead of the static passing of time I found myself trapped in. It's true that not all those who wander are lost, but I have spent more than my share of time wandering lost.
I don't know how to steady my mind to process everything that has happened since last October. The emotions I felt then, still so fresh in my mind. For the first time ever, I began feeling like me. My very own and unique shade of Violet. The preverbal exhale of "Finally! I'm starting to get somewhere!"
I was on such a good track until I let go of my Mother. Maybe it's because she's not done testing me. She's not really done controlling me. Somehow I almost let her grip reach me this past week. I felt like the sadness and mess in my life is my fault, and so I deserve to be drowned in misery. I had a moment of weakness, defeat, and all but hopelessness until I came up for air, and stepped out of her shadow. It came out of nowhere and caught me by such surprise that I had forgotten I don't have to worry about her judgement anymore. That even though I had been shaken, I didn't have to let her be the one to decide whether or not I deserve to be happy.
My happiness is my choice, and mine alone. The last few days of sobriety have brought with it the full impact and sting of the emotions I have been flooded with. I decided last year to do what makes me happy and not put all my energy into pleasing others. And then it was brought to my attention that I have taken it too far. I have taken advantage of my Lover's patience and have been neglecting some of Her needs as I selfishly indulge in my own joy.
It seems like just yesterday I was leaving in the middle of the night to see her. Listening to happy music, primping at stop lights, trying to hide my stupid grin before she answered the door. All but unable to contain the happiness I felt sure was going to burst from my body.
It's not that I consciously chose to be a bad girlfriend, but I don't have a good excuse for myself. I have no right to complain about insecurities when others have legitimate reasons to be guarded.
It feels so good to talk to her. To let go of the lies I've let myself believe and continued to subconsciously feed, something she has shown me. Between the shutting down and internal chatter, its no wonder she feels like I'm keeping her in the dark. I can't get out a single complete thought without sitting on it for days. And by then, the moments gone, and I've let her down again. She's guided by logic and reason, and doesn't understand the degree to which my emotions rule me. Rational or not. And its just so much more than to say "I'm not okay, I'm sad, I feel lonely, and lost, and in pain."
She thinks I'm so put together but its just a safety net, an artificial security for all the broken pieces I try to conceal behind my smile.
I think it hurts her that I can't communicate the reasons behind my actions, or lack there of. If only I could make her understand that if I knew the reasons, I could not only tell her, but fix the problems. I feel defeated. Her pain, cynicism, and frustration can be felt not only throughout the house, but even when she's at work. The last few days I have felt incredible emotional shifts preceding some of her texts. Today it caused me to ask something I shouldn't have because I couldn't control the rising panic and proved her points for her. The constant reassuring is not making the difference She'd been hoping for.
Instead of standing on the shore, looking out into the sea of emotions, I've become submerged. No one can make clear decisions based on emotions. I am clearly still learning to think before I speak and not react based on how I'm feeling in that exact moment. Not only am I causing myself pain, but Her now, too. And I hate myself for that. I can't even communicate how much I care for Her, and I am HURTING Her! That I am the cause for her pain is crippling to bare. I'm becoming an emotional, tearful, clingy, wreck and I wouldn't blame her for running for the hills before getting sucked into my turmoil...
Maybe this is too big to handle on my own, but I truly don't know what to ask for help for. I can hardly express how I feel, much less what is causing it. I don't know how I got here. I've been so happy. Tearing down the wall and letting her see the broken pieces is proving to be as hard as I was afraid it would be. I've never allowed myself to be so vulnerable with anyone. Does She know how fragile it makes me feel? How exposed I feel around Her? That trust is such a fine line between utter peace and crushing disaster.
Feeling: Defeated, Tired, Inebriated.
