I've been kind of rattled by something that was said to me the other day. Tonight, on the way to my Little Sister's, I replayed it, and it brought back the sting of being slapped in the face. A memory of a time that I hadn't thought of in ages. That is, until recently. How funny that such a precise statement would be made within such close proximity to my pondering of these events. But then, I always have had a thing for coincidences..
At the time of the statement, I was so taken aback that I was sure I wore it all over my face! My Companion was polite enough to not react, but I'm sure she felt it. I feel dishonest for not piping up and saying something instead of looking like a deer in the headlights.. It was about not being able to relate to something, and I could.. I never talk about it. It can't be undone. It makes me weak, and broken, and it is a part of my past I have wished would disappear.
I know the lessons we learn are what put value to the mistakes we make. We will continue to make the same mistakes until we learn from them. This is definitely a lesson I learned the first time around. Rarely do I feel the familiar pull to fall back into those chains. Yet that is a place I dare not let my mind go.
The truth of not judging others as we do not know what path they have journeyed was a firm reminder in the sting felt in my cheek along with the long ago buried shame. Like most everyone else, I do not want to be judged by my past. By the mistakes that taught me some of life's most valuable lessons. For the chances I was given to over come my weaknesses and to grow into the person I am still getting to know today.
And though the road may be rough, and the lessons hard, I know that my character will always be tested when my back is against the wall, and I have no one to depend on but me. And when those situations arise, I want to be proud of the decisions I make, and the woman I have become.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Entry Number 20: Reprobate
The last few days have felt long. I have been overly tired physically, and exhausted mentally. I'm not quite sure I realized that was what I'd been feeling until today, but I'm sure now. I've pictured me retreating to hide behind the wall I'd once built around me. A shield not only for my heart, but my mind. To block everyone out and keep it all bottled inside.
How funny to think I could so easily return to such behavior when I know how far I've come. And yet I still feel like the shy little Violet I've always known myself to be...
In the quest of creating my own happiness, I must not forget to manage my stress along the way. How much easier it would be to just sweep it under the rug as so many years have taught. But I know that's only a bandaid on an wound that needs stitches. I know all too well what happens when you continue to shake a bottle with the warning, "contents under pressure."
Rearranging furniture has become the bandaid to the day to day stress that is beginning to accumulate. And yet I feel happy. All except that little nagging in the back of my mind that reminds me there are things yet to be settled. I am conflicted as I want to focus on the positive and not allow my worries to slow me down.
Sometimes I want so badly not to worry about what others think. To throw caution to the wind and just let loose. To be honest, I'm not even sure what letting loose would look like. I just know that it would mean not worrying about pleasing everyone else. Old habits die hard. I guess that really is true.
I feel like this is starting to turn into a pity party which was not my intent. It feels good to get it out, but also serves as a reminder that I have yet to deal with the cause of my stress. Covering it up with temporary appeasements will fix nothing in the long run.
And I feel like I have brought this on myself. After indulging, I had the nerve to ask what if it wasn't just a phase, and is it a choice? I was ill prepared for the answer of the second question, and hadn't truly considered the question before it left my lips. I was not necessarily shocked by the answer I received, but more so by how unprepared I was to hear it. It definitely gave me a new perspective on how I am being viewed. And even more, made me feel utterly alone. It felt icy cold, like a frost passing through my soul, cutting to the quick. Something I hope to never feel again.
It's a strange feeling of unease that I've not experienced around my Dad in a long time. It is as unwelcome as it is frightening. And though I doubt she would have taken it any better, it makes me miss my Mom.
I wish I could just continue to bathe in the peace I feel when I am with Her. The loving embrace of safety that reminds me that I am not alone and lets me forget the judging eyes that stir up lost memories of shame.
I have been deep in thought this week as I have pondered a few of the greater thoughts rushing down my stream. A night in with my mentor proved to be as thought provoking as always, along with my unease over conversations with my Dad have kept my emotions running intensely.
And as I stop here, my wish is simple; to be wrapped in the sweet embrace of slumber. To drift off to a place of tranquility for a tired soul, and to awake revived with the joyous spark to life that I have come to relish with the dawn of a new day!
Until my words again flow freely from my mind, or as they are written in heart, goodnight.
How funny to think I could so easily return to such behavior when I know how far I've come. And yet I still feel like the shy little Violet I've always known myself to be...
In the quest of creating my own happiness, I must not forget to manage my stress along the way. How much easier it would be to just sweep it under the rug as so many years have taught. But I know that's only a bandaid on an wound that needs stitches. I know all too well what happens when you continue to shake a bottle with the warning, "contents under pressure."
Rearranging furniture has become the bandaid to the day to day stress that is beginning to accumulate. And yet I feel happy. All except that little nagging in the back of my mind that reminds me there are things yet to be settled. I am conflicted as I want to focus on the positive and not allow my worries to slow me down.
Sometimes I want so badly not to worry about what others think. To throw caution to the wind and just let loose. To be honest, I'm not even sure what letting loose would look like. I just know that it would mean not worrying about pleasing everyone else. Old habits die hard. I guess that really is true.
I feel like this is starting to turn into a pity party which was not my intent. It feels good to get it out, but also serves as a reminder that I have yet to deal with the cause of my stress. Covering it up with temporary appeasements will fix nothing in the long run.
And I feel like I have brought this on myself. After indulging, I had the nerve to ask what if it wasn't just a phase, and is it a choice? I was ill prepared for the answer of the second question, and hadn't truly considered the question before it left my lips. I was not necessarily shocked by the answer I received, but more so by how unprepared I was to hear it. It definitely gave me a new perspective on how I am being viewed. And even more, made me feel utterly alone. It felt icy cold, like a frost passing through my soul, cutting to the quick. Something I hope to never feel again.
It's a strange feeling of unease that I've not experienced around my Dad in a long time. It is as unwelcome as it is frightening. And though I doubt she would have taken it any better, it makes me miss my Mom.
I wish I could just continue to bathe in the peace I feel when I am with Her. The loving embrace of safety that reminds me that I am not alone and lets me forget the judging eyes that stir up lost memories of shame.
I have been deep in thought this week as I have pondered a few of the greater thoughts rushing down my stream. A night in with my mentor proved to be as thought provoking as always, along with my unease over conversations with my Dad have kept my emotions running intensely.
And as I stop here, my wish is simple; to be wrapped in the sweet embrace of slumber. To drift off to a place of tranquility for a tired soul, and to awake revived with the joyous spark to life that I have come to relish with the dawn of a new day!
Until my words again flow freely from my mind, or as they are written in heart, goodnight.
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