Friday, October 25, 2013

Entry Number 30: A Homework Assignment

What started out as a homework assignment to organize my chores and grocery list, ended up with thoughts spilling out of my head and onto the white board.  Here is a sequential product of my ramblings:


"Coming out has probably been the biggest blocking block I have overcome in the mountain climb I feel against my anxiety.

You are right in the middle of my beautiful mess.  You have been part of my break through.  I love you so much more, and will love you all of my days because of that.  

You inspire me to change.  To be a better person.  To grow.  I love you because I respect you, and I admire you.  Because I am not afraid when I am with you.  

I found my center last October.  I balanced on my own.  I found my inner peace.  The moments of complete calm I have had since, have given rise to new meaning.  I know what it is to be happy, and know in my heart that it is possible.  I know happiness can be a reality.  I accept that.  

The joy I feel when I am with You is all the sweeter because I have finally learned to make myself happy.

Still, a continued battle, but a truth I have seen with my eyes and felt in my soul.  A year ago I felt a drive burn hot with new will to live, not just exist.  I was blessed for being brave.  For choosing to own my happiness.


scatter brained
shambolic
channeled
distracted
focused
lost
melancholy"


A little rough around the edges, but honest.  God, I miss indulging..  I miss the clarity.

Entry Number 29: A Trip to the Mailbox

October 23, 2013

Per usual, I have allowed my stress to manifest physically.  My body is waving red flags trying to get me to take notice.  I've got it!  Loud and clear!  I've been staying sober, and it took me until to today to realize that I think its part of the reason my anxiety is more elevated than normal...  

I've become dizzy in a whirlpool tug of my thoughts.  Become swept up in the current, and carried downstream.  I choose to see the daisies, and the soft grass as I float by, and remind myself that it is the happy thoughts, the sweet memories we make along the way.  Life can be so beautiful if we just take the time to see it.  There is so much good, all around me, even in the ebb and flow of my journey.

On my Friend's prompting, I began looking at how I was.  Really.  I am busy, stretched thin, stressed out, but okay.  Its been hard to settle back into the daily grind after traveling, and my sleep cycle is off.  The jeep has needed work more than once, and has needed towing, and repair.  I've made headway with the counter tops, but there is still lots to do, and its becoming overwhelming again.  I'm trying to stay connected with family and friends, take care of my dog, my girlfriend, and myself.  

Against the inner rage of a brewing storm, I remain peaceful, calm, on the out side.  The mask of indifference I've grown accustomed to wearing.  To break the silence would be to betray the need for tranquility that I can now see has only been a facade.  My body's physical distress has once again become a testament to the truth of my inner conflict.  I continue to make the same mistakes over, and over again, because I have still not learned to recognize the signs of my stress.

I was checking the mail tonight and found myself lost in thought.  Somewhere before or after a shower, and after indulging, I briefly remembered my thought, only to become distracted again.  

The next thing I remember was that I was getting the pets water, and then I saw that the kitchen window was uncovered..  I filled up the water jug, and then put away the clean dishes.  I forgot to look for a cover in the same trip.

So I went back.  I checked the linen closet for something to cover it with.  To be honest I got stuck there for a while.  The bathroom curtain would be perfect!  But I couldn't find something to take its place.  And also, I realized I shouldn't be standing on the counter naked!  

And that reminded me of my earlier thought!

When I was checking the mail, in the beginning, I realized that by moving,  I will be leaving the one place that has been safe for me as an adult.  I felt comfortable being alone, in my home, naked, with the windows open.  But somewhere between the mailbox and the house, I had a second thought that I should be more careful.  A specific tug that I've felt before, and caused me to notice the kitchen window!  There's your sign!  My old demon of fear, trying to creep back in.  But I refuse to give in.  Refuse to feed a weakness I have tried so hard to free myself from.

As I made my way to the mail box, I realized that I had been worrying again, so I realigned my thoughts.  I realized that even though I am consciously deciding to leave my home, a place where I can rest easy, and recharge, I know I will be okay.  I will miss the sound of the trains, but I will be okay.  She has my heart, and I know that I can make a new home with Her.  She is my happy thought, my safe place.  

Monday, September 30, 2013

Note Number Seven: Actions Speak Louder Than Words

I gave myself a deadline; September 28th.  I couldn't let another month go by giving into unhealthy behavior, keeping her waiting, taking advantage of her patience.  September 18th/19th proved to be an amazing day.  For a while now, I had been struggling with somethings that I didn't quite know how to reconcile, or even fully understand.  I couldn't figure out why it was such a big deal, or what was fueling my inaction.

We were laying in bed and I found myself becoming distracted by one of my happiest moments.  I can't say what triggered the memory, but I found myself being whisked away as if in a dream.  I was once again falling asleep in Her bed at the townhouse.  And as clear as day, I heard her whisper that she loved me.  Even if I wanted to, I am unable to recall this event without being filled with joy.  It was the simplicity that I remember most.  Everything else fell away as I could truly feel the emotion in her words.  The truth escaping from her lips and permeating my mind like sunshine warming my skin.

It is one of the clearest memories of total bliss I have.  She is my favorite person.  My happy thought. I knew at that moment, the time was right, and I couldn't let the opportunity pass me by.  It was high time she felt the reciprocation She'd been longing for.

My only regret is that it took me so long to show her that her needs are are important to me.  That they are more important than my fears, my insecurities.

Saturday, August 24, 2013

Entry Number 28: My Insecurities

I noticed a pattern tonight regarding my racing thoughts.  But I'll come back to that.

I have done no better, since my last post to determine the cause of my most prevalent causes of stress.  To make matters worse, I dropped the "r" word in front of Her.  Although I have not acted upon my urges, they are no doubt there, and continuing to grow as I refuse to feed into them.  Not dealing with my stress is causing me to turn it inward in order to keep smiling.

Queue the racing thoughts; as long as the real problem is hidden beneath the overwhelming flow of distractions, I can avoid the impending despair that must be buried somwhere far below.

I am sad because I feel as though I have mislead Her.  I tried so hard to tell her what a mess I am.  I've hidden my scars from myself, but now we are both beginning to see them as our relationship unfolds.  A little less guarded, a little more worried, because no matter what She says, I'm still afraid I will scare her away with all my baggage.

Eight months seems like a long time, and somehow I have made little progress on the road to recovery, and She has somehow felt She is not doing enough to help me.  It saddens me to no end knowing She feels that way.  I told her once that no matter how many times a girl is told she is beautiful, she still has to believe it for herself in order to accept it as true truth.

She feels as though Her reassurance has not made a difference.  How can I make her understand that what looks like little to no progression to Her, is leaps and bounds ahead of the static passing of time I found myself trapped in.  It's true that not all those who wander are lost, but I have spent more than my share of time wandering lost.

I don't know how to steady my mind to process everything that has happened since last October.  The emotions I felt then, still so fresh in my mind.  For the first time ever, I began feeling like me.  My very own and unique shade of Violet.  The preverbal exhale of "Finally!  I'm starting to get somewhere!"  

I was on such a good track until I let go of my Mother.  Maybe it's because she's not done testing me.  She's not really done controlling me.  Somehow I almost let her grip reach me this past week.  I felt like the sadness and mess in my life is my fault, and so I deserve to be drowned in misery.  I had a moment of weakness, defeat, and all but hopelessness until I came up for air, and stepped out of her shadow.  It came out of nowhere and caught me by such surprise that I had forgotten I don't have to worry about her judgement anymore.  That even though I had been shaken, I didn't have to let her be the one to decide whether or not I deserve to be happy.  

My happiness is my choice, and mine alone.  The last few days of sobriety have brought with it the full impact and sting of the emotions I have been flooded with.  I decided last year to do what makes me happy and not put all my energy into pleasing others.  And then it was brought to my attention that I have taken it too far.  I have taken advantage of my Lover's patience and have been neglecting some of Her needs as I selfishly indulge in my own joy.

It seems like just yesterday I was leaving in the middle of the night to see her.  Listening to happy music, primping at stop lights, trying to hide my stupid grin before she answered the door.  All but unable to contain the happiness I felt sure was going to burst from my body.

It's not that I consciously chose to be a bad girlfriend, but I don't have a good excuse for myself.  I have no right to complain about insecurities when others have legitimate reasons to be guarded.

It feels so good to talk to her.  To let go of the lies I've let myself believe and continued to subconsciously feed, something she has shown me.  Between the shutting down and internal chatter, its no wonder she feels like I'm keeping her in the dark.  I can't get out a single complete thought without sitting on it for days.  And by then, the moments gone, and I've let her down again.  She's guided by logic and reason, and doesn't understand the degree to which my emotions rule me.  Rational or not.  And its just so much more than to say "I'm not okay, I'm sad, I feel lonely, and lost, and in pain."

She thinks I'm so put together but its just a safety net, an artificial security for all the broken pieces I try to conceal behind my smile.  

I think it hurts her that I can't communicate the reasons behind my actions, or lack there of.  If only I could make her understand that if I knew the reasons, I could not only tell her, but fix the problems.  I feel defeated.  Her pain, cynicism, and frustration can be felt not only throughout the house, but even when she's at work.  The last few days I have felt incredible emotional shifts preceding some of her texts.  Today it caused me to ask something I shouldn't have because I couldn't control the rising panic and proved her points for her. The constant reassuring is not making the difference She'd been hoping for.

Instead of standing on the shore, looking out into the sea of emotions, I've become submerged.  No one can make clear decisions based on emotions.  I am clearly still learning to think before I speak and not react based on how I'm feeling in that exact moment.  Not only am I causing myself pain, but Her now, too.  And I hate myself for that.  I can't even communicate how much I care for Her, and I am HURTING Her!  That I am the cause for her pain is crippling to bare.  I'm becoming an emotional, tearful, clingy, wreck and I wouldn't blame her for running for the hills before getting sucked into my turmoil...

Maybe this is too big to handle on my own, but I truly don't know what to ask for help for.  I can hardly express how I feel, much less what is causing it.  I don't know how I got here.  I've been so happy.  Tearing down the wall and letting her see the broken pieces is proving to be as hard as I was afraid it would be.  I've never allowed myself to be so vulnerable with anyone.  Does She know how fragile it makes me feel?  How exposed I feel around Her?  That trust is such a fine line between utter peace and crushing disaster.


Listening to:  Brand New - Handcuffs.
Feeling:  Defeated, Tired, Inebriated.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Entry Number 27: What is the Real Issue

I miss Dad today, though its not just that.  My stress is piling up again.  I've seen the signs but not clearly.  The usual tug to rearrange the furniture is back.  I'd hoped the living room and bedroom would have appeased it, but truthfully I was not satisfied upon completion, and it has continued to build ever since.  It scares me to let her see me like this.  I shamefully waited until I was alone, even though I knew I couldn't hide it.  All the same it was out of guilt because I knew I shouldn't feed into it.  Not dealing with the cause only prolongs the stress..

I have to address the real issue, I'm just not sure what it is.  I guess I never really do, and that's part of the problem.

I've not only been shutting down lately, but I have been noticing it, which is good.  Its almost as if its a preemptive strike to protect myself agains an impending panic attached.  I'm just not sure why I feel the need to shut down and retreat into the safety of my mind.  Especially when the questions being asked or the situations I find myself in are truly not all that threatening.

It is so frustrating to not be able to tell her how I feel.  She deserves to know.  I want her to know.  Why can't I just find the words??  Sometimes I feel like she must already know or feel it, but that isn't enough for me.  I want her to hear the words and know with absolute certainty the emotion imprinted on my heart.  The feeling behind the rapid heartbeat that must surely penetrates my entire being when she holds me close.  Oh the things She does to me with just a single kiss.  I long for the comfort of being lost in her embrace, the peace she imparts with a simple touch or reassuring phrase.

I've never felt as close to someone as I do Her.  And She knows more of the real me than maybe I even I do..  And yet I feel like she wants more.  I am not deliberately withholding, but I don't know how to let go.  So much is still trapped behind the wall.

Its hard because I'm not used to letting anyone see this side of me.  My weakness; my stress; the unhealthy habits I've formed to deal with the outward expressions of said stress.  Its not that I feel judged, but more so that I feel ashamed of my own inability to fix the underlying problems.  Its my pride that prevents me from asking for help, and yet I wouldn't know what help to ask for even if I could.  Damn my independence that has become a stumbling block on the road to a better adjusted me.

I just don't want anyone to see this side of me, but especially Her.  In some ways I feel like I am still broken, damaged goods, and I know She deserves better, more.  (Ironically, after years in retail, She now opts to purchase the "damaged goods" in order to leave the more esthetically pleasing ones for the other shoppers.  Ha!  There's your sign...)

I hate to think I am holding her back or keeping her from something or someone better.  I promised myself I would fix myself before dragging anyone else into my mess, but when I least expected it, She swept me off of my feet and lead me to a place of happiness I never imagined could exist for me.  I finally have someone in my life who wants to help me unpack my baggage instead of helping me carry it, or worse, ignoring it.  I just don't know how to let Her help me...

Unimportant day-to-day problems have plagued the forefront of my mind, preventing me from pondering the deeper causes of my anxiety.  Home renovations, temperamental AC unit, and car trouble are all minuscule when considering the big picture, but somehow I have let the "little" things consume me.  In part, I think it is just a further reminder that my Dad and Brother are no longer here to run to when I need help.  Now when something goes wrong, I have the slightest rise of panic because I feel like I have no one.  But that is simply not true.

I have to learn to lean on my partner.  Have to accept that She is here for me and that it isn't a burden to go to Her when I need help..  She has shown me time and again that I am not going to scare her away, and yet I still struggle to accept that.  Why am I so afraid that those I love will leave me?  How can I be so "trusting" in some regard, and yet so afraid to let go and just be me?

I've found it to be increasingly difficult to articulate lately; and not just in my writing, but in spoken word as well.  It has taken me days (days!) to even get these less-than-average words in print.  I have yet to determine the source of my block..  It is so much easier to let the anxiety slip below the surface of my new found happiness that it becomes tempting to let it reside there permanently.  Only I know that isn't possible.  Sooner or later it will rise up again and I will find myself giving in to the need to control my life, my safety, and the rearranging will begin.  One of the many outward expressions of an inner turmoil I am still learning to control cope with.  Perspective is everything.  If only I could see what I am doing to myself through a clear lens, then maybe I could stop the pattern.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Entry Number 26: Reason 14 Why I Love Her

I was laying in bed last night, thoughts racing, when I felt the familiar rise of panic creeping up on me.  As my breathing became rapid, I began to wonder what was causing the fear that was suddenly closing in on me; threatening to overcome the peace I had felt only moments ago.  In that instant I realized there was no point in wondering why or where it was coming from.  Instead I chose to think of something good, and my thoughts refocused on the warm embrace of Her arms.  

As though She could hear my thoughts, She began to rub my shoulders; increasing in pressure as if to say "I'm here," and "Everything is going to be okay."  I have never felt as in sync with someone as I have with Her.  Our non-verbal communication continues to astound me.  It is uncanny how She can not only sense the slightest shift in my mood sometimes, but also ascertain what I need before even I can.

I've always believed that we accept the love we think we deserve, and have only recently been able to apply that to my previous partners.  It has been nothing short of eye opening to contemplate how I have viewed my own self worth; the value, or lack there of, that I have become accustom to seeing.  I don't know how I became lucky enough to deserve Her love, but not a day goes by that I don't feel grateful to have met Her.

Surely, She must see something in me that I can't, because I feel a little less broken when she holds my gaze.  I know I will never be able to see myself as others can, but I know I'm on the right track to having a much healthier self image.

In even the most simplistic of ways, She has helped me to let go and move on from events that have plagued me since childhood.  No longer do I feel like I am fighting an uphill battle for my sanity.  Somehow I have found someone who is helping me unpack my baggage rather than carry it.  The progress I have made both on my own and with Her help has been monumental.

I love Her because She makes me feel like everything is going to be okay.
Because She makes me feel safe.
Because She takes my breath away, makes my heart skip and my knees weak.
Because She gives me butterflies.
Its how She looks at me.
How She touches me, and runs Her fingers through my hair.
The way She kisses my forehead and holds my hand.
For all the things She makes me feel that I will never be able to put into words.
I love Her because She loves me for me.  The me that no one else can see.

It gives me hope that She can see potential in me.  That She doesn't think of me as the lost cause I so often thought I was.

Knowing Her has shown me that perseverance pays off, and that happiness has always been within my reach.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Entry Number 25: Misery Loves Company

Today my heart is heavy.  Plagued by keeping a truth that wasn't mine to tell, I buckled and divulged knowledge that wasn't mine to share.  As the saying goes, misery loves company, and mine has been multiplied by the grief I have caused my confident.  Shamed in my weakness and the dishonesty I felt by keeping it to myself, my heart aches from the pain I was unwilling to shoulder alone.

My fear is that no good will come from what I've told.  And instead of feeling better for getting it off my chest, I am ailed by my worry.  Has my keen ability to be blunt as a spoon once again caused me to do no more than put my foot in my mouth?  I've known from the beginning that this was not my problem to fix, and yet the guilt of keeping it a secret compelled me to set the truth free.  But now I know for sure that the chances of something good coming from this is next to none.  Why I ever thought that bringing light to this would do any good, I don't know.

I thought by coming clean my conscience would be at peace, but instead I feel that I have only aided to further complicate a situation I should not have involved myself in.  Oh, but don't you understand why I could no longer keep this secret?  How it has slowly been chipping away to break free from the neat little box I tried so hard to keep it hidden in?  Maybe this is only my selfishness talking; trying to convince myself that telling was the right thing to do..

It is in my nature to be honest.  My conscience has never truly let me hide in the shadows of deceit for long.  My mind will be all but consumed by any dishonesty until set right, but I never truly mean to hurt anyone.  In my heart I feel that I did the right thing, and yet the burden of that knowledge has now been replaced by a subtle but growing panic that I've made a huge mistake. 
 

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Note Number Six: Empath 101 (Interesting Read)


Empath 101

Dreamtongue - The Empathic Language

What is an Empath?

To get straight to the point: Empath is a form of identity emerging in the twenty-first century. The term has been used in literature and in film, but the reality is that there are ever increasing numbers of people who identify with the Empath concept.

An Empath is a person who was born with unique variations in the central nervous system. This means how the brain is configured and how the nervous system works in the body. This has not yet been studied and quantified by science. Instead it is being brought forth by individuals who are becoming self-aware of these qualities and who explore this experience through creative and intuitive outlets.

A high degree of overall sensitivity is the general indicator for this type of person. All of the sensory organs of an Empath have low thresholds thereby resulting in unusual sensitivity to light, smell, and sound (as well as other subtler senses). Although underlying sensitivity is the unifying factor behind all Empaths, how this sensitivity is "managed" or "funneled" varies from person to person.

An Empath also possesses a very sensitive emotional nature, that is typically difficult to self-manage. Books have been written on "highly sensitive people" and those materials are relevant to this topic. However, being highly sensitive is only one part of the formula for Empaths.

As a result of the interaction between an extremely sensitive neural network and the concurrent emotional nature of a person with this profile, Empaths are highly intuitive. The word intuition needs to be better understood when used in communications but I will save that for a later article.

A better understanding of intuition leads to a better understanding of what actually constitutes an Empath. For now, I only want to say that Empaths are highly intuitive which means they tend to do things by feeling, by sensing, by reacting to proprioceptive queues, and by following "hunches, gut-feelings," etc. This includes critical decision making, reacting, and acting upon influences in their own lives predominately from intuitive queues.  This process can lead to better or worse results depending upon the development of the Empath.

Empaths are driven by their own intuitive natures. This can be for good or bad. There is no virtue implied in the term "Empath." After nine years of studying Empaths online, and thirty in general,  I have found that the majority who step forward suffer from some form of mental distress or disorder. This does not mean that the majority of Empaths suffer from mental "illness", instead it implies that the majority of Empaths encountered in my research profess to some sort of "struggle" with their own uniqueness.  Since my training is in mental health counseling, I found this to be fascinating and made this area a special part of my research.  My model does not supplant the medical model of mental illness but does suggest that "excess wiring" (so to speak) and "diverse thresholds" may require other interventions beyond medical treatment.  I firmly believe in adhering to the standards we have established in all medical and psychological fields of science.  Yet this belief does not          inhibit my desire to explore and discover through, what I call, the "panheuristic" process.  Ask me about the panheuristic process in my Yahoo Empaths group.

Empaths are driven by deep intuitive connections that are largely unconscious, as if sitting on top of a vast oil reserve in the ground and being a conduit (oil well) for this massive amount of energy. Most of what an Empath senses or "knows" cannot be verified immediately which creates a terrible psychic conflict for the person. The over abundance of real and imagined stimuli are frequently overwhelming. Sorting out the two is even more so.  That is why I am a major advocate of structured training!

Imagine having vast amounts of information floating around in your head but no direct way to access it or express No way to sort it out or use it in any clearly defined way. Most of what it is cannot be proven immediately but does get proven over time. (I am skipping over a great deal of points here, just to make a point).

The stress of taking in the emotions of other people, of sensing information on a continual basis, of being a "human sponge", of being driven by deep inner forces that are not understood, all create a "torture chamber" of sorts within the average Empath. This does not have to be as melodramatic as I make it sound, but please understand - it frequently is for the subject.

I refer to this state in the Book of Storms as the "unbonded" Empath. Before figuring out who you are, you must figure out what you are, and reconcile the two. It's called the Book of STORMS for a reason!  Learning about your internal storms, the nature of "storms", and how to "manage your own inner weather" are all par for the course.  Empaths identify with many forms of nature and frequently feel affinity towards storms.  Obviously, it is a powerful personal smbol for me.  I have always felt "connected" to storms.   As a metaphor, storms offer an unending supply of creative insight.

Many Empaths suffer from anxiety due to an overload of incoming stimuli and intuitive information. Some suffer from depression due to being overwhelmed with all the "storms" going on inside. It is not uncommon for an Empath to tell me that he or she has been diagnosed as "bipolar/manic-depressive." Now, that does not mean that          if you were diagnosed as bipolar that you are automatically an Empath - it just means there is a possibility that we are quick to put medical labels on things without fully investigating them.

The interesting questions that arise are: Are Empaths more susceptible to mental illness? OR Is the mental illness/distress the result of being an unbonded Empath? Which comes first? This research still goes on.  I have met plenty of well adjusted Empaths - yet will still find that they seek some sort of comfort somewhere, either in mild medication or counseling, something to soothe those internal storms.

The professional fields of Psychology & Psychiatry do not yet recognize these factors and continue to leave all the issues "clumped" together, undifferentiated. I originally planned this work for a doctoral thesis but will not be pursuing that in this lifetime now. Instead, I am putting it into a user friendly format in hope that an emerging self-awareness among Empaths will take place, creating a positive wave of change for the planet. Anytime the "collective mind" of the human race can change towards the better and grow, good can happen on new scales.  Yes, I am an idealist. We frequently are.

Now, for a more popular explanation! An Empath is a type of "psychic", but instead of reading the "future" or viewing remote objects, the Empath specializes in reading people. I only mention all this because there is now a huge overlap/confusion          between the two words. The "free for all" mentality of the new age movement seized upon the Empath term after we flooded it on the internet, so everyone , everywhere threw in what they had or knew to the concept. I suggest using the word Empath as a hybrid form of psychic, more of a realistic/grounded version of our potential for extra sensory perception.  An Empath is sensitive to the visible as well as the invisible. An Empath reads  body language,  tone of voice, body movements, the words people choose when they speak, the words they avoid, the logic they use; and the hidden things that only an Empath can sense inside another person. A fully developed Empath reads on what could be considered a 360 degree scope. I have this entire 360 scope mapped out in great detail in a teaching model I call the PHI Model of Consciousness or P.H.I.  P.H.I. stands for "panheuristic intelligence" which is ultimately what I am advocating.  My research has been inspired by the work of Dr. Timothy Leary and the many brilliant souls who elaborated on his work.  It is also inspired by the profound teachings of the Buddha, from the very core and heart of what I believe the Dharma to be.

Empaths are extremely powerful people. In the next article I will tell you what I mean by that and introduce the first course. The first course is very basic. Yes, I know - you could be very advanced and beyond all that, but start the first course in Empath 101: "Dreamtongue" starting with the basics. That way, by the time you get to the advanced stuff - you will excel and feel wonderful about your growth!

Dreamtongue is a course in empathic communication and is the pre-requisite for all classes to follow. To benefit from the course start with the introduction and then work with each lesson separately and in order. You can work at your own pace. Some people will be ahead of you, some will be behind, and others will be starting just after you.

Work at your own pace. Post questions as needed and share your experiences with the materials inside the Yahoo group. Do not be concerned with others being ahead of you or of feeling that you are too far behind. Just work in your own timeframe and you will be fine. This process has been tested over the years by many people.

http://mysilentecho.com/dreamtongue1.htm


Saturday, April 13, 2013

Entry Number 24: Patience for the Unenlightened

Yesterday was the first time I felt any negativity towards my choice to be openly gay.  We met a friend for lunch and were waiting in line to pay when I noticed one of the employees glaring in my direction.  I tried to ignore it, hoping he was looking at someone else or possibly just frustrated with his current task; but he didn't look away.  In fact, after a couple of minutes, he had a friend with him who was also casting hateful looks in my direction.

At first, it did hurt a little, but those feelings were quickly replaced by anger.  I wanted to yell at him, or flip him the bird, or at least give a dirty look back.  But in the end, I decided he wasn't worth it.  Those few fleeting moment of hurt and then anger lasted only long enough to remind me to look at the bigger picture.  The LGBT community has fought so long for tolerance; equality.  Who am I to treat anyone in a way other than how I would want to be treated?  Why even let myself become upset by the ignorance of others?  And then what I realized was that I felt sorry for the employee.  Sorry that he wasn't brought up being taught the golden rule and to love one another.  Sorry that he is closed minded and unable to share in the happiness I feel and the joy I have come to know by living openly.

It is humbling to again have it brought to my attention how naive I can be.  As much as I want to believe that everyone has the potential to be good at heart, that just isn't so.  And that's not to say this guy isn't a good person, but that I can't expect everyone to see things the way I do and to be willing to give people a chance.  Definitely leaves more to think about...

Monday, April 8, 2013

Entry Number 23: Growth is Progress

I've been reminded several times this week that I am still struggling to make peace with my sexuality.  I don't want to ignore the conflict, but sometimes it is easy to forget while being swept away in a whirlwind of joyous emotion.

I am finally creating my own happiness, and image that; I still manage to find a way to feel bad about it.  My true pessimistic self can stay hidden for only so long..  It makes no more sense than any of my other irrational thoughts, and somehow I'm determined to dissect it.  I think it is important to know why I am feeling bad about it so that I can completely let it go.

Its like trying to convince myself I'm okay when I know I'm not.  Justification in the worst possible form..  Self mutilation of a different brand.  Creating inner turmoil instead of promoting peace.  Its the ever fleeting zen that I'm afraid to lose if I spend too much time "feeling bad."  I hate carrying the burden of guilt imposed by a false prophet.  He continues to haunt me from not only his grave, but that of my Mothers.  Her will broken, her hand forced, and the lingering damage inflicted under the guise of protection rage in battle at the cost of my sanity.

Still waters may run deep, but a pebble dropped in a puddle will still send ripples to the edges.  Even the smallest disturbances threaten to destroy my peace some days.  But inside I'm a fighter.  My stubbornness refuses to let me give up.  I've worked too hard to get where I am to let anyone else take my happiness from me.  I am finally (finally!) learning to love me.  Feeling good about who I am, instead of being weak, broken, crazy, damned, what I am.  Is it selfish to not want to give that up?  Not selfish, but weak..  I cannot continue to grow until I let this go.

No one ever said growing is easy, and if they did, they lied!  Its not that I'm afraid of the pain I'm sure to feel, I'm just not prepared for the mental exhaustion.  The seclusion and darkness that comes with bringing light to the past.  Reliving the way the emotion felt all over again.  But the understanding gained will only help me to let it go and move on for good.  This just isn't one of those things I can let go without processing first.  Oh how I wish it was, but wishing will get me no where.  Nothing in this life is free, and those that are worth the most often take the most toll or energy to not only gain, but keep.

Happiness is worth the chase.  Peace is worth fighting for.  Exhaustion is worth the toll.  The preparation has begun.  Jumping in with both feet does not mean stopping when it gets hard; it means preserving when strength is all but gone, and doing what is right, not easy.  In the end, all we have is our integrity, and hopefully the story of a beautiful and full life lived.  That is what I want, and that is the dream I choose.